Thursday, August 15, 2013

I need a Hero

 It's been a day here.  That's all I'm gonna say on that.  We're sleep training.  And we have a cranky pants child.  So cute when he smiles...such a barracuda on the 8 times I've fed him....such a strong man when I try to swaddle him....such a holy terror when I put him down.
Love ya buddy.  But Mommy's tired.
It's just one of those days.  Like I said.  And I'm gonna be real here.  Having a kiddo is the best thing in the world.  My little man...I wouldn't trade him for anything in the entire world.
But sucks.
I'm not gonna go into the whole mommy martyr thing cause frankly, who needs it?  If you don't have a kid, you don't give a shit.  If you do have a'll either tell me to suck it up, that you had it worse, or what I'm doing wrong.
Or you'll be a super cool mom, give me a hug (virtual or real), and tell me you get it.  That I'm human.  And a good mom.  And you love me.
By the way...the latter option is your best bet.  And if you aren't a mommy, hugs are welcome too :-)
So what's up my you know what?
And everything.
No Sleep on my watch onesie...oh little man :-P
I had my 6 week check up yesterday at my OB office.  Physically, she told me I'm doing great....everything is where it needs to be, and I have the green light to go ahead and run marathons else.  (No dear, I have a headache.  lol).  I talked to her a bit about some of the issues that I've been having....feeding, sleeping, etc. and she gave me some thoughts and suggestions.  It was helpful, but I kinda left feeling dejected. And I still do.
 I'm not even sure why.  I have no signs for PPD, and I am thankful of that.  My little man is 100%, and I'm thankful of that.  But I feel....I dunno.  Kind of aimless.  Like I am a milk stand, baby soother, and sleepless wonder.  I can't even remember the last meal I ate that wasn't coincided with a feeding, or what 2am DOESN'T look like.
Greg and I have discussed our situation, and it seems best for our family that I use more of my FMLA than the 6 weeks.  So I'm in talks with HR at work, and we'll see when I go back.  It seems right for our family....even though our little superstar is such a strong guy and is way physically advanced....he just...hates sleep.  And loves eating...all the time.  Since they tend to grow out of that a bit, we feel its best for me to be with him until he gets a bit more structured.  One week at a time.
mommy carrier!
We are taking steps.  Sleep training.  Working with our ped on feeding regimens.  It will get better.  I have faith in that.
But I'm still tired.  And grumpy. I think I need direction. A goal.  Something that makes me Rae and not Rob's mommy.  Something to keep me sane.  I have a few idea's up my sleeve...more to come.  And something to share with you about how I've tried to be Rae.  But that's for another post, another day.
I've pretty much laid myself out here guys, I wont lie to ya.  But if you know me, you know that I've never been a rainbows and sunshine up your butt kinda person...I like to keep it real.  So here it is.  It's real.
I love my life.  But I need something a bit more right now.  And I know I'll find it....stay tuned :-)

PS - Please no judginess on this post....I'm in a fragile state of mind, and quite frankly, tired of energy vampires hounding me and/or doing the mommy judging. I love you all to bits, but I need some kid gloves...just for the next 24 hours, k?  Thanks :-)


  1. Been there, done that. my husband would tell folks that I was "emotionally fragile". I had twins as my first babes and thought after the fact well, duh, that is, wrong, same state with the singleton. I chalk it up to the fact that I have never done well without sleep particularly the hours of 3-5AM (I am an MD, I had way too many sleepless nights during training, know my triggers), was very career oriented /project oriented which comes to a screeching halt with the babe, and the hormones have got to play a role in here. I took more than the 6 weeks with each pregnancy (kinda had no choice on one of them) and am glad I did/was able to. It is a marathon, not a sprint. no advice from this stranger...hugs

    1. Twins! You ARE Superwoman!!! Thank you!!!

  2. As a woman who hopes to be a mother sometime in the next 5 years or so, I really, really, really appreciate you speaking honestly about your experiences. I KNOW it will be hard for me. I'm career-oriented, I've never had baby-fever, and I am a nightmare when sleep deprived. There aren't enough female voices out there talking about the difficult parts of motherhood, and it makes me feel alone about facing those. I really appreciate you speaking openly, and I hope your sleepless nights are ever-diminishing.

    1. Annie....its the best thing ever. Just really really hard. But so worth it!

  3. Virtual hugs. You are a good mom. I love you!

  4. Thanks everyone....I love you guys. My are THE BEST!!!

  5. ((gentle virtual hugs))

    I appreciate your candor. I think more women need to be this honest about the less-than-Kodak Moment parts of motherhood.

  6. I'm late to reply but yeah it sucks. feeling tied down, lack of sleep of course would cause emotions to amplify. I don't know about sleep training but stayed home for 12 weeks. At some point I wanted to go back to work to be able to escape. Fortunate to be able to have Evan in daycare which kind of helps with the sleeping schedule because of all the activity during the day but that was at 3 months. Oh and feeding I quit that quite early - most stressful. First time mom thing is we get all stressed about the details and I am just hoping if and when there's another one on the way I won't be the same crazy-stressed person. But you and I get it now : how everyone says their kid is the cutest. :)