Walk of Life: 2022 in review

2022.  What a freaking year.  Before I move into 2023 and find new ways to fuck up my life kick some ass,  I figured it would be a good time to revisit 2022 - to look at the things I learned along the way, what I want to bring into the New Year and ….what needs to be left behind.

Its a mixed bag, folks - 2022 was such a big year for me.  I look back at the past 12 months and I can't even believe what has gone down - If I would have pulled 2018 Rae aside and told her what was to come...she would have never believed it. Hell, if I would have pulled 2021 Rae aside, she wouldn't have believed it!

It makes 2023 so exciting.  I cannot wait to get started on next year an all of the great things I have to look forward to - but with the successes of 2022, came some giant epic failures, some "learning experiences" and a desire to change it up some going forward.  And that's about right - we can't get better without learning some hard lessons along the way.  I've done my best to speak freely about these - I don't think I've addressed "areas of growth" so honestly in quite some time, or ever freely addressed where I have struggled during this epic ride of life.  And while that hard stuff was not the things dreams were made of - it's shaped me and given me an arsenal of tools to make me a better person - and athlete - in the upcoming year.  

It's funny how sport and life can so closely follow each other, isn't it?  I always thought my blog was rather one dimensional, but I've heard from the readers that aren't athletes (fine, its my dad) that they find it interesting and applicable too.  Whether it's because I am for an honest assessment of how we are all treading water in life right now (damn, I did it again), or you just find my stories ridiculous and somewhat relatable, I'm here for you, guys.  I usually don't get it right the first hundred times I try, but boy, am I not a quitter.  So with that, I leave you with the lessons that 2022 has taught me:

Lead with your heart and your head, but listen to your gut.  

Man, this is one I still struggle with, albeit making progress.  A few years back, my be all mantra of
"doing scary shit" seemed so profound.  To just take the leap.  To be afraid but do it anyways.  And to go after what seems impossible.  I still like this theory, but I have learned without a doubt, to pay attention to those red flags. They are pretty... but man, they are there for a reason.  And even though saying "no" can be a struggle for someone that likes to give everything a shot, sometimes it really is the best choice.  Or at least.....leading a little bit more cautiously before throwing your whole self into what could be a painful mistake. 

While I'm not averse to a "screw it, you only live once" race, adventure, encounter, or a workout with people I "have no business with", I have learned that some of the choices I make really are bad decisions with consequences.  Such is life, right?  You live and you learn.  I made a few poor choices post Ironman that I paid for, and on the flip side, a few fall season decisions that were not easy at the time but yielded some pretty epic shit.  Sometimes I fell flat on my face, and I still have the visible....and invisible scars...to prove it.  Sometimes....big scary things are just not that great of an idea, and you need to know in your gut when to take that gamble and when not to, or when to put one toe in the water and watch for the signs that this year....I only saw in hindsight.   And as I go into 2023, I'm giving my gut a little more leeway (no, that was not a euphemism for Christmas cookies.  But....in every jest is some truth!)

Everyone Can Teach You Something

Even if you aren't sure what it is at the time.  This one still rings true to me years later. Embrace it and take care to listen to what the lesson is, even if it isn't obvious at the beginning and know.... when the lesson is learned.  I always think back to my key triathlon moment in the pool at the Y four years ago- but since that moment, there have been so many people in my life that have taught me something about how to look at life, who I want to be, or in general, just to be better at something - whether its physical, mental or emotional in nature.  Some of those people have stayed in my life, some of them have not, but they all have left an imprint on who I am and how I do things - which I am grateful for. 

And I will always be grateful, even if at the time, the lesson was painful...because at the time, it was worth it. I don't regret anything that happened this year.   Passion, Resilience, Endurance, determination.....how to laugh, have fun....all of it.  And in turn with this one, I've also learned that while you can have a hand in the beginning, you might not always have a choice on how it ends - which was a really hard lesson to learn.   But necessary nonetheless - it's possible that some people come into your life until you've learned the lesson, and then they leave.  I lost two major people this year that I never saw coming, as well as some newer friendships that I thought were going to last longer.  It hurt. A lot.  I never thought I would learn how to walk away, but I did.  Going into 2023, I've reminded myself to keep my head up, and my mind open - as you absolutely never know who or what is going to make a difference in your life. Or what that might look like. 

The only constant is....change. But...it can change back.  Wild. 

Off of the endings in your life are the people...that come back.  One year ago I could have written the exact same post with the lesson above about people moving out of my life - and I would have bet you a million dollars that they never would never come back.  I was...so wrong.  Some of the things that caused me tears in 2021 or even early 2022 turned right back around and those people are back in my life and in a much better capacity. It blows my mind.  One of them turned from what I might have called a mistake into a true ride or die and I never would have predicted that.  I've learned never to assign finality to anything - much like me, everyone is on a journey in life that takes them different places and through different emotions and experiences.  You never know what someone is going through, so if its not working out now, leaving the situation with the best of intentions to protect yourself is wise...but....life is full of surprises.  I've learned to smile at the past for the amazing experiences I have had, to read the room for what the present is and enjoy it as its happening, and to leave a situation with grace when needed.  But always....to leave that door open.  Never say never. 

There will ALWAYS be Trains 

I really can't express this (I KNOW, cringe) any other way.  Even though it was not funny at the time, both my 70.3 races this year....had trains.  For Musselman, it was on the run, and Barrelman, the bike.  Both times I lost momentum and time and had to make a quick assessment with regard to the "problem" and how to fix it on the fly.  And in life....there will ALWAYS be trains.  I've raced over a hundred triathlons in 17 years and have never encountered a train, so even with all my train....ing....(OMG why do you people read this crap) I was not equipped to handle it on race day.  I took a deep breath, assessed the situation, removed the emotion, and dealt with it as best I could.  For Musselman, I stopped my watch, peed, and drank water.  For Barrelman, I stopped my watch, swore, and took in a gu.  Both times, I took a second to feel the frustration, handled it as best I could at the time, and moved on.  And that's life.  I made a few good decisions - since Barrelman was NOT equipped to handle the train, my Garmin time was key to an AG placement and overall time adjustment.  I made a few bad decisions - peeing during the run....was not the smartest choice (I know guys, I'm gross.  But I'm honest)

  In both cases, I moved right on after the train and did not look back to second guess myself.  And that's life.  There have been a few knock me on my butt trains I never saw coming this year - and you take a deep breath, give yourself some time to feel what you need to feel, address it, and move on.  And don't ruminate on it.  You made the best choice at the time and it was totally out of your control. 

The Lows Make the Highs Even Higher

You can't appreciate success without failure.  This one's pretty darned elementary, but to be honest...I left it here because I needed to remind myself of this one.  A lot.  When I look back on the year, I tend to remember 3 months in particular - June, August and November.  Those 3 months were the absolute best this year had to offer - a huge PR for Ironman in June, Boston Qualifying in November, and August....well, August was just full of the best things life had to offer.  There were get togethers, local races, amazing times with friends, and more laughs and smiles than I could have ever imagined. It probably was my favorite month, full of the little things that are the big things - funny how that works out, isn't it? 

There were also struggles in each one of those months....a wicked bout of poison ivy that led to a crazy prednisone induced few weeks. in August, a pre-race work melt down in June, and oh man...November....well, pre race featured a few family emergencies that are still unresolved, and post race, a  week of being ridiculously sick and two family members in the hospital, along with the requisite post season melt down.  But when I look back....I'll remember the highs and be grateful for all the amazing moments those months had to offer, even if there were the not so great moments mixed in. 

 It always reminds me of when I first had a kid....someone told me to remember that with each rough spot, comes something amazing.  In the beginning, you might not sleep, but they fit right on your chest and snuggle into you.  Right now....both kids are so needy with everything but they want me and I am "the bestest mom ever".  I'm still tired.  One day I will sleep, and then they won't want to be around me.  The trick is....to appreciate and soak in all the good parts while working your way through the tough spots.  And that's life in a nutshell (thank you for coming to my ted talk).

Maybe when you look back it does make sense, even if it doesn't now. 

Holy shit was this a big one for me this year.  I had to laugh at myself, because I remember spending valuable time last year worrying about shit that...I didn't need to worry about.  And if I could have tapped myself on the shoulder a la Julie Nolke and said "Hey - dipshit - stop worrying about this - its gonna be okay.  Or, it isn't - and you're gonna deal with it and move the hell on with your life - stop wasting your time worrying about it " We all could use a future self to let us know what's a big deal and what isn't, and to give you a heads up as to who and what are worth fretting about, and who and what is not.  And even if we don't know why things are happening at the time, there is usually a reason for it at the end.  We just don't know it yet.  I learned this one mostly off the race course this year - endings at work, with friends, and family members.  Some of them I understand now, some I still don't and maybe I won't for quite some time.  But that's life. We are all just doing our best trying to figure it out.  I've always taught my kids to remember that people are doing the best with what they have, and that's really all you can ask for - to show up every day, do your best, and trust in the fact that it will all make sense someday.

And with these lessons guiding me, I cannot wait to start 2023 and make it the best year ever.  I'd be remiss if I didn't thank all the people that made 2022 one of the best years of my life - I can't even do justice to naming everyone, but you know who you are.  To my dumpster fire runners.  To my bomb cyclone heat advisory bad decision race buddy.  To the "Sounds Awful What Time" man - what a freaking race!  To the Scotts - you guys made me laugh and helped me NOT to drown! To the fellow runner aptly named "bad decisions".  To Tacos - Between race signs and wild rides, you made it fun and forever changed the way I look at so many things. To the tri fam - even though we look a little different, you guys are the best. To Zues - you are a pain in my ass but I love you with everything I have.  To the Norseman - you have no idea how damned much you inspired me this year on the race course - I can never express how much I appreciate it (even if you still owe me).  To all the runny friends, bikey friends and swimmy friends that shared miles with me this year - thank you for the amazing times and I can't wait to do it again!  To Cruise....you are my 3am.  To Miami Vice and all the big brotherly advice.  To my awesome family and friends that are family that encouraged everything I did this year - I love you guys so much.  And to Monsta - for more than you'll ever know.  And I can ever express.

On to 2023 - the year of Raising Up!!!  Let's get it started!

God Blessed Texas - Ironman 2023!

 Happy New Year!

Alright, not really.  While we still have two weeks for all that new year, new me jazz - I'm kicking it off tomorrow - when the official 2023 training season begins!  

While I still have a recap of 2022 in process (yeah, we can still give that thirteen days to shake out, because if I've learned one thing this year, it's to expect the unexpected!), December 19th is my new year in terms of 2023 goals.

And, as per the norm, it's looking a lot different than I thought it would.  One year ago, I mapped out my 2022 season - a redemption at Ironman, a few short races for fun, and a shot at going sub 5 at the 70.3 distance.  I decided to go at it solo (without a coach) for life reasons, and enlisted Friel, Hansen, and some fast triathletes and runners that are amazing people that freely lent me advice and a few well deserved smacks when I was being being foolish (which is probably more frequent than not). 

Oh, I laugh at myself. Suffice to say, the season produced results beyond my wildest dreams - my first ever overall female win at a triathlon (which was followed by a second win....and a third), new PR's at the sprint, half iron and iron distance, and a Boston qualifying marathon time.  Holy shit.  What a year.  And while I pivoted mid-year to stop chasing that sub 5 and start chasing Boston....it led to another pivot for 2023.

When I set out to do Ironman Iowa this year, the goal was to get some redemption for my horrible 2018 Ironman Lake Placid.  I have since grown by leaps and bounds as a triathlete, but that last Ironman finish was still hanging over my head.  I had signed up for IMMT in 2020 and 2021, but COVID killed that - so in a fit of bad decisions (Thanks Ken) Iowa was on the table for 2022.  And, despite the heat index being over 100 that day, I set a nice new PR of 12:18.  And....finished one spot away from Kona qualifying.

Woah.  It's funny, because when I re-tell that story, everyone gets a sad face - you were so close!  And I'm over here going guys - this was way beyond my wildest dreams.  I never thought I would be seven minutes away from joining the big dance in Hawaii!  Well, maybe in about 30 years, but I digress...

That was pretty cool.  And post Iowa, I put it away, because Ironman is time consuming, and I promised my family I would set it aside for at least a few more years.  Then, my amazing other half got ideas.  (I'm pretty darn lucky to be married to a guy that not only gets it, he encourages it).  He signed me up for Philly as a birthday gift, and I Boston Qualified.  And with that kind of momentum....we looked at 2023 together and got ideas.  Big ones.  And even with the crazy dance that Ironman is doing, which lands the women in Kona for 2023 solo...the idea stayed.  (Note that I think this is a stupid idea for many reasons and am supremely bummed to not be able to give it a shot with some of my friends that happen to be male, but since Ironman didn't consult me, I either play by their rules or I don't play at all).

After a shockingly little amount of debate, the die was cast for 2023.  It's a go big or go home kind of year.  After four years of amazing leaps in the multi-sport world, I'm throwing my hat in the ring for the big game - trying to qualify for Kona.  It's a moonshot goal, but I'm throwing everything I have at it and I'm excited to once again, giving it everything I've got to see where I can go.  Once again, I'm flying solo....but not really, because my favorite swimmers, bikers and runners have all offered to help me out along the way (and I am immensely grateful for it!).  The training starts tomorrow.  And if you're gonna go big....where do you go?

The state where everything is bigger.  

Ironman Texas it is!  April 22, 2023 - it's time to dance!

(Yeah, I meant that literally.  You can take the girl out of country line dancing, but not the line dancing outta the girl.  Think my outfit is aero enough??)

YEEHAW baby!

Blame it on the Rain

 This could otherwise be titled "How my off season is going?".  You know right away its going to be a smashing success.....don't the best laid blog posts profess a dedication to Milli Vanilli?  And with that, you know you're about to read a train wreck.  Which is highly appropriate for this season (yay for trains!), slightly eye roll inducing, and yet you know - you're gonna read it anyways.  Here we go!

So what does one do when they hit all their goals?  It's a mixed bag, folks.  I walked (yes, I walked - albeit slightly frozen!) away from my marathon in an odd state - I have never finished a race where I would not have changed a single damned thing.  There were small tweaks I suppose I could have made, sure, but in the big picture, I really couldn't have improved in terms of execution, training, or anything else given the variables race day presented.  It ended the season on a wicked high note, with the promise of Boylston St in 2024 (see what I did there) the pinnacle of my quest and the perfect end to a crazy successful racing year - one I could have never even imagined even last year.

And that was the moment when the proverbial kool-aid man kicked down the door and reminded me that while I had been so one dimensional in November chasing a dream (I admit it) that there was actual life going on outside of racing.  I knew this going in - I had blogged about it and luckily, most people in my life understood the few weeks prior to such an A goal were a little pre-occupied.  It was time to re-focus.  Big time. No more "blaming it on the rain"....errr...race (whomp whomp).

My body weighed in first and reminded me that not only had I just spent 8 hours in frozen windy weather prepping and running 26 miles and change - I also had been in training for some sort of endurance event for 11 months.  It rebelled. Hard. 

 I spent of the week post Philly a mess - I couldn't eat, had body aches and chills, and struggled to just be able to function.  Two ish weeks out, I'm happy to say I finally am on the mend - recovery took a bit longer than I expected just due to race conditions and the fact that I couldn't take any real recovery steps until last week.  I think I lost five pounds alone the week after the race - which I really couldn't afford to lose.  I've wisely (hey, sometimes I can do that!) put off starting the training for the 2023 season for a few more weeks and have spent lots of time resting and re-connecting with the rest of my life.

The latter really was the next step - it seems that the whole concept of "not cutting my bangs" pre race really caught up with me (as in, I knew I wasn't myself and refused to make any big decisions - about anything).  Last week, finally out of my fog, I sat down and asked myself some big questions about where I was with a lot of things in my life - myself, family, friends, and work.  And I made some decisions. Some were about me getting off my own ass.  Some were taken entirely out of my hands and I was forced to acknowledge them. 

Most people take stock of these things at the end of the year, but as a triathlete (we are such assholes, arent we - always gotta be switching things up - weeks start on Mondays, everyone has a birthday on January 1, and the "end of the year" is usually October or November) my year end was now. 

 The 2023 season starts December 19th, and I'm gonna need all my shit together, so this four week block is a big focus on all the things that I feel fell below the "line of suck" during my major build.  I'm a big fan of this way of looking at it - in life, you have so many different areas that you need to pay attention to - your physical health, your mental health, your relationships (family, friends), your obligations in terms of adulting (work, chores, paying bills) - that its impossible to always "be on top of" everything.  The trick is not to let anything get too far below the line of suck for too long.  

While I do a decent job of juggling as a whole, I had some major catch up to do at work - which I have been paying the piper back for in terms of paperwork and reporting.  Major household tasks and holiday prep that fell by the wayside (SO much cleaning and grocery shopping to do, along with "making christmas"). All the doctor's appointments in the world - and- shudder- the dentist (when gu is a major food group and you grind your teeth...well...lets just say my dentist might prefer I take up yoga).  But that's the easy stuff.  The hard stuff....was the people. 

Usually, I'll fall into a funk after an A race - which was not the case this time.  I have 2023 planned out, and while that's hit a few snags, (thanks Ironman)  I'll be ready to rock going into the new year to hopefully kick a little ass, doing what I love.  I'm good with that.  My proverbial shit hit the fan when I took a good look at the people I was surrounding myself with-  the ones that have been in my life for decades, years, or months.  And I needed to really look at a few things - where were they at, where was I at, and how did they fit into my life...if at all?

I tend to throw myself into things (duh, we know this).  A few years ago, one of my buddies (god, he's a pain in my ass) called me "highly suggestible".  And in Rae fashion, I took offense to it.  Then I thought about it and realized he was right (I hate when that happens).  And in the last 3 years, being highly suggestible has led me to some amazing things - even if it scares the shit out of me, I go for it.  It's led to some incredible highs and experiences that I'll never forget.

It's also led to me falling flat on my face.  After my last A race, one of my athletes commented on how
things just happen for me.  Spoiler alert - they don't.  I might showcase a funny, shit pulled together, all the workouts are easily, smiley race persona but - its hard work.  Sometimes I doubt myself.  Sometimes that tempo run is REALLY hard.  And sometimes those highly suggestible plans and people....well, I fall flat on my face and epically fail.  Not many people see the tears, but a few do - and I love them to bits for letting me show my weakness. 

After really thinking on it, I was able to identify some things I was doing and some people that just didn't belong in my life anymore.  Some have been around for a very long time and were really hard to let go of. Or at least - to alter how they fit into my life.  Without a doubt, there is nothing sadder than someone that you used to be close to...that is now basically a stranger.  For those of you that know me - I tend to go all in on something believing it to be the very best and take it at face value.  And - if I may- that's sorely bitten me in the ass this year more times than I can count.  I have two choices - I can either change me or change the situation, and since I like me, I've opted for the latter. Some - I had zero choice on - when someone walks out of your life, you have to shed a few tears, write a few letters you'll never send, then put on your big girl panties (well, if you wear underwear) and move the hell on. And some - well, you just need to reframe how you look at them and meet their energy.  There's nothing wrong with it - its life.  And now that my head's clearer, it was time. 

While I've "cut my bangs" a few times in the last week, I can't say I'm sorry I have.  They will either grow back...or they won't.  One of my mantras in the past few years is that every time I think I've figured it out - life surprises me.  I still laugh about it - things that I thought were in the past resurface.  Friends that I could have never imagine pop up.  I've learned to enjoy it all to the fullest and allow that it might not last.  But I'm pretty confident either way, I'll roll with it.  Some things were meant to occupy your life for just awhile, and some forever.  And there's a reason for everything, even if you don't know it at the time. 

I'm lucky enough to have both. This past Sunday, I met a newer friend "Dumpster Fire Dave" (really, do you need more than that??) for my first longish run since Philly.  On the way to the run, Siruis XM (free trial yasss) was playing the top 40 hits from 1989 and as I pulled into the Fairport Landing, Milli Vanilli's "Blame it on the Rain" came on.  As I was trying to get this ever loving SHIT off the radio, Dave called to tell me he was almost there and somehow he got put on speaker.  "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT??" He goes - laughing - as usual - at me.  I begged him to come save me from myself.

And he did.  Somehow in a run that was closer to 10 miles than the planned eight....and a trip up Loud Rd where there was a "little hill" (302 ft gain in 1.03 miles- I now have a new goal) - there were a lot of laughs, some yelling, and a lot of emotions as we worked our way through 80 minutes of running and two lattes post run.  Two giant fuck ups with a love of a certain amount of being uncomfortable, four letter words, and absolute no bullshit keeping it real with each other.  He somehow helped me screw my head on straight, pick myself up after this dumpster fire of the past few weeks, and leave me FINALLY feeing like myself after a month of floundering in my own headspace.  

And on my way home from the best Sunday I've had in five weeks (the last long run with Dave - coincidence?  Mayyybe) Sirius XM was once again on three hours later - apparently, cycling.  You know it.  As I drove through Penfield, Milli Vanilli once again reminded me to "Blame it on the Rain" - and of course I called Dave in hysterics, singing (lip synching?) like a damned fool.

Somehow he answered and two days later, is still speaking to me.  I think I've found a new friend.

And so we learn - that even though there are endings, whether its a season, or an experience, or a friendship - that they are beautiful and amazing in their own right. And if it ends - we gotta blame it on something....blame it on the rain, right?  (I'm sorry, please don't stop reading, I didn't turn on audio LOL)

There are always new adventures around the corner - and that some of those new adventures might turn out to be something pretty amazing.  2023....is going to be epic. I cannot wait to bring along some of the friends and experiences that have been so wonderful over the past year, years, decades....and to the new, beautiful ones that have just started and also the ones that await!