Confessions of a Triathlete: The Predisone Edition

 Well, its been awhile since I've spilled all with a confessions post!  To be very frank, its been a hell of a month.  I had a whole post outlined sharing a little dose of reality, and, quite frankly, a big ole chunk of cheese with my whine about the last four weeks or so...then I did the smart thing and just backed that thang up with a good ole dose of delete, delete, delete.  Who needs that crap?  We don't.  If I'm gonna bitch to you, I'll at least try to make it mildly entertaining.  Because you know what happens if you can't laugh....and I'm not a big crier.  Maybe.  Shh.

Fact of the matter is, I've been feeling some sort of way since Musselman and I can't quite pinpoint it.  I gave myself all the grace in the world post Ironman Des Moines, and really didn't expect much out of myself for Musselman 70.3 - which might have been the problem.  I flat out didn't listen to my body
and ended up being vaguely dissatisfied with the whole race - which is cool - they can't all be A races. Post tri, I gave myself a week to recover, then battened down the hatches for part two of this epic season - to include my crazy ass Barrelman goal and a handful of local races where, in addition to trying to do everything fast, I was all about the party of racing local and embracing the community, grassroots side of multisport that I adore.

Except the hatches....weren't battening so well.  I had a decent first week off the blocks, then a week where nothing worked well.  All my bikes felt flat, slow, and quite frankly, disastrous.  I finally figured it out - not only did I have an issue with my front derailleur rubbing my chain (no bueno for lots of reasons), the new pump I had just bought was reading hella low - which meant all my rides were taking place at 40 psi lower than normal (60 vs 100).  Well, that would do it.  Easy fix. Hold my beer....errr, skratch.

Week two brought some run speedwork and a ditch dive midway through a half mile repeat to avoid a car on a narrow road - which - of course- was a ditch infested with poison ivy.  For those of you that don't know me well enough yet, I'm pretty resilient, but the ivy is straight up my demise.  I didn't realize I had it for a day or two, and then it spread horrifically - including my face, in between my fingers, and my whole left hip and leg, which blew up to twice it size and no longer bent well enough to ride outside.  Lovely.  Four days later, I finally called the audible and involved modern science- a twelve-day supply of prednisone, which got rid of my "Freddy Krueger face" and Michael Jackson glove (yes, I wore gloves for four days, and moonwalked upon request), but has done absolute shit for my mental well-being and ability to sleep. On the bright side, I managed to avoid the weight gain side effect and am rockin' race weight quite nicely (SMH, not the goal). 

So, here we are.  Despite all my bullshit, the last week of training has been a decent success, even though I'm running on a solid 2-3 hours of sleep a night, a complete lack of ability to judge my body's effort at anything (I've felt drunk most of the time, which seriously calls into question some of these workouts), and have consequently done the only thing possible under such situations - revised my late season triathlon goals,  made some ridiculous life choices for  2023, and a few other debatable decisions that may or may not come back to bite me in the butt. (For all of you that have stuck by me and been the equivalent of holding a drunken sorority girl's head over the bowl, I thank you.  Really.)

For lack of a better descriptor, I completely been filter free the past week - which is both good and bad.  I've been pretty up front about my big 40 coming up soon - while I have absolutely no fear of hitting "mid life" I've decided unequivocally to embrace the fact that by societal definition, I'm pretty much given full permission to have a damned life crisis this year.  Am I right, or am I right?  I possibly hit most of my quota in the past few weeks, cause if you've a mind to do it right, do it big (that's what she said).  And, with that in mind, I have a few confessions....fueled by prednisone and a mid season/mid life crisis....that I've come to realize lately.....

1.  Don't be Afraid to Flip the Script Halfway Through.  About two weeks into this whole shitshow of a month, I realized that not only was my body (and bike) going through a few tantrums, but I was right in the middle of a mid season slump.  I absolutely adored everything about multisport, but the pressure of a sub 5 half ironman was weighing on me after doing some pretty epic shit in the front half of the year, like winning my first tri (still so weird) and banking a big PR at 140.6.  So I took the pressure off.  While I still am gonna try for a big PR at Barrelman if the day allows, I removed the number goal from my brain and have felt so much better about life since.  I'm still training, of course, but the goalpost has been moved to a few other much bigger goals that are more long term.  What are those goals?  Well, TBD.  But they're gonna be big.  Patience, young grasshopper.  Patience (no, I did not take up kung fu.  yet). 

2.  Fuck it Up.  Epically.  Along with #1 comes the realization that jumping off a ledge, is, in fact, a thing.  There have been a few moments in the past month, where, either inspired by someone else's crazy life choices (no, I did not sign up for any foreign extreme races, thank you) or by looking at some long range pipe dreams, that I've made some leaps that will either bring amazing things, or I'll fall flat on my face.  It's scary.  It's exhilarating. And I cannot freaking wait to see what happens.  Life is meant for taking chances and living - not for playing it safe and wondering...what if?

3.  Know when to leave the past in the past.  It's done.  Move on.  This equally applies to my last race and letting go of some of the shit I've been holding on to about myself and other people for the past few years.  There's some kind of phrase about living life with the ratio of a rearview mirror and a windshield - you need both, but in the right proportions.  You are where you are now because of the choices you've made in the past.  They are done, and the next step you take is determined by you - where do you want to be?  What do you want?  And how can you get it?  

This one also applies to the people you meet along the way - which has been a tough one for me, personally.  I have met so many people in the past few years since I decided to jump on this " try new shit, live fully" train, and I have 100% applied life lesson #2 in so many ways.  I've also made some beautiful new friendships and experienced things that I still can't believe - I can't regret any of the choices I've made because they shape who I am today, but I've admittedly struggled a bit as to when to hold on to something and when to let it go.  It's a work in progress. 

4.  Don't be Afraid to Embrace New People and Situations....but know who you can trust with your head and your heart.  As a follow up of #3, another lesson about balance.  There's a mixed purview of how much of yourself to put out there in the world - whether its personally, in competition, or in any situation. I err toward being a completely open book - about my goals, my successes, and my struggles. 

 It's a mixed bag - I don't regret being candid about where I am with things in terms of hitting it out of the park or being a hot mess, but I've learned that there's a line with who I can trust on the surface and who I let into my head and my heart.  The first one, oddly enough, being the harder one to master - while I seem pretty confident on paper, my self perception can sometimes be lacking.  As an adult learner to the sport of running and triathlon, it still blows my mind that this is my world, and sometimes I revert back to the "I'm not good enough for this shit" mindset - which - depending on who I surround myself with, can be exacerbated or kicked right to the curb by my cheerleaders.  I'm not 2018 Rae, looking for the RD to cancel the bike.  I'm also not 2019 or 2020 Rae with the fear of racing a bike or riding in aero.  I'm here.  I'm now.  And it's a fine mix when I step it up and walk into a situation that forces me to level up - how much I share of me.  

I tend to over trust, and assume the best of people - and that likely won't change.  But I'm slowly learning how and when to be vulnerable to someone and when to meet someone at a more superficial level.  It might sound a bit harsh, but its not -  some people that I meet on a less personal level are still absolutely amazing people in my life, and I hope I can be the same!  And during the course of the past few years, I've met some people that I trust with my everything - and they have become key people in my life - some I have known for years, some for only a few months.  I am so grateful for these people.  Some were there for a short time, and now the friendship has faded or shifted, and that's okay too.  There's wisdom in meeting people where they are - I have so many friends right now that give and receive in different capacities and they all play such an important role in my life, but knowing who fits where is key - to both my mind and heart. 

5.  Know who your ride and dies are.  Oh this is a big one.  The place where I flat out struggle the most is....I look like I have my shit together (for those of you that see my meme sharing on Facebook, you can quit giving me the side eye, thanks).  I look strong.  I look confident.  And in most of my life, I'm in a place where people come to me for the answers and expect me to fix shit when it breaks.  So what happens when I completely lose it?  Well, I found that out in the past few weeks, for sure.  I completely lost it - I was not doing well physically, mentally or really, with anything.  I had to take that first step and actually admit that I had none of my shit together - a poison ivy infested, prednisone infected hot mess.  I was pretty sure I was striking out at every capacity - as a mom, wife, friend, family member, athlete, and boss.  

And something beautiful happened.  My people showed up.  Some of them have absolutely no idea what they did or how - they pulled me out of a slump when I needed it just by completely being themselves.  Some of them have no clue anything was even wrong and that's okay too - you never have any idea how you impact someone's life just by being you - but I know it.  And some of them....watched the fall...and stepped in and showed me how much they damned cared.  And that last one....was so huge.  I'm not used to fallibility and knowing who I can lean on was so damned beautiful.  It gave me the courage to admit where I was struggling and to let some of it be what it was, but also to see the wonderful balance of making a plan to dig myself out and get on with the business of tearing it up -  and going after everything that's on my list to slay. 

My filter free people.  You need those in your life - the ones where you don't have to be on your toes all the time.  The ones where you can step back and say....holy shit....that might have been off or weird, but I'm trying here, work with me.   And....as I'm rounding a corner, I have nothing but love for these people.  You know who you are.  And whether you dried my tears, hit "submit" on that race registration, listened to my phone or text rants, or provided that quiet "I never doubted you" friendship.... I thank you. More than you know. 

And so, we move on to the next step.  Sometimes these mid season slumps exist to show you that you can, in fact, work through the hard things.  And that makes the success all that much sweeter.

We are heading into the end of the multisport season - this weekend is Peasantman Olympic, a local grassroots race that I've been dying to race in for years.  Next week is the Rochester tri, which I'm helping execute, and also sprinting for fun.  There's no expectation for these races other than a party with many of my favorite people and the love of sport - and I cannot wait!  (And thankfully, I'm no longer communicable, on anything, and back to normal.....uh.....or at least two outta three!)