Sunday, January 31, 2016

My Name's Blurry Face (and I (usually don't) care what you think

It's been one heck of a week.  Not in terms of the baby hasn't slept, Greg blew the mortgage money buying igloos for the sauna and the toddler is throwing dynamite at the cat terms of life.  I usually have this blog down pat, right? Run, run. run, healthy recipe, coupon, baby cuteness.  Repeat.  It's a nice little hobby that honestly captures my life 99% of the time.  It works.

For all my friends and family that are parents of get it.  You basically play referee and catch with your spouse for 20 hours a day trying to juggle everything that life throws at you without fucking up too badly.  Have I eaten today?  Showered?  Are the kids alive?  can I pay the (ridiculously increasing) water bill?  Check, check check.  If there's on for a run.  If there's really time...maybe a kiss or hug to that vaguely familiar man over there that my son looks like.  Who is he again?  I forget.  Meh.  He pays half the mortgage, so I guess he can live here.  But only if he holds the baby so I can do 43 things at once that should have been done yesterday.

Welcome to my world.  And I'm seriously not complaining.  99% of the time I look at my life and think...How did I get so lucky?  When I was 22 16 8 and dreaming about my future when I was a "grown up" it looked like this.  If I was lucky.  Two kids, a house, a hubby, a good job, friends, and hobbies.  I am one lucky girl.

But then there are days.  And people.  It seems that this week just sorta married every single stupid button that could be pushed.  Nighttime is party time, not sleep time.  We have sniffles.  Work has been a stressball.  And to top it off, my one stress relief has been compromised... my Achilles seems to think now is a good time to be acting up. Which it has never done before, but it seems kind of fitting, no?

The "heel" of it all...I had coffee with a friend I hadn't seen in a long time the other day.  I respect this person and genuinely had a great time with her - it's always good to catch up.  But during the conversation, it naturally turned to a discussion about our current lives...and they really couldn't be more different.  She isn't married, lives in a rented townhouse, and goes out every weekend on the town. She has a kick ass job that easily pays twice what I make....and a better degree, natch.  It's crazy how different we can be when 10 years ago we had the same starting point.  Anyways.  The date evolved into a discussion about politics, current events, and the nightlife in Rochester.  I'm sad to say I'm batting zero for three there.  As she sat and discussed her last Friday night and how Bernie Sanders will save our country from the abomination it is now...I felt...stupid.  and irrelevant.  Of course, I didn't let that on (and she doesn't read here so my sort of venting is safe), but I was more than dejected as I walked away from the night.

Am I shorting myself?  I don't think so.  I will admit that sometimes my knowledge of current events doesn't extend beyond what I see in my news feed or who got changed last....and that my view on politics is right now, dim at best.  I participated in a survey the other day that asked me who I would vote for if the election was RIGHT NOW...and I would honestly have to abstain.  (I picked someone because you had to (don't ask, Im embarrassed) but I wouldn't cast my vote unless I knew the issues well, which I won't until it's time to cast that ballot).  I don't have a degree beyond my BS, and I'm sure sometimes that degree is BS.  (Yes, boss, I know.  I know.)  I leapfrog day to day...getting things done that need to be done RIGHT work, at home, and for me personally.  But that whole "What will things look like in 5 years" sometimes eludes me.

 I used to think about things like that on my long runs but right now, sometimes it's nice to just to zone out to the latest 21 Pilots album and just think about silly things like...I wonder what 8 hours of sleep feels like?  Or....What is date night again? When I'm feeling frisky I remember not so long ago when I would get ready with my roommate and hit up Murphy's Law to check out that hot guy that OMG bought me a drink last night and...I smile fondly.  That was so much fun.

Then I turn a corner, see my house (with the Christmas lights still up) and head into the chaos.  I change a diaper.  I grab a glass of milk RIGHT before it falls off the table.  and then I trip over our dumb but loveable cat who insists on sleeping right in the middle of the damn stairs as I run upstairs to take a 5 minute shower.

And I realize...I love my chaos.  and I'm certainly glad that someone gets to go to the bar on the weekend...and that people are interested in politics and the current issues that are relevant to our country.  I'll get there.  But there are two littles right now that I'm too busy loving on right now, a husband that needs my hugs and skills at making a veggie lasagna that I got all the ingredients on sale for (early mortgage payoff?) and a team at work that appreciates it when I figure out how to get us all fully employed by some very creative budget techniques.

It takes all kinds.  And even though she wouldn't ever tell me, I suspect my friend might just envy my messy "just so" hairstyle (ummm, right) and my Cornell hoodie fashion statement circa 2000.  Cause when I get home, I might not have that hot guy from the bar, but I have the hot guy that gave me the two most perfect kids in the world and also (pretends to) love the way I look at 10pm when I'm passed out on the couch, glasses on, drooling.

And I feel better.

1 comment:

  1. Your life has plenty of chaos, for sure. And it has the love of/with the 3 most important "things" in your hectic life. How can that be topped? I suspect that friend is, indeed, filled with envy, and if not, it's only because she as no idea what's missing in her life. I guarantee that in 20 years you will look back and SO miss spending every day with your children.