Thursday, November 29, 2018

Origins

So, I officially apologize for the cheese and w(h)ine fest last post.  I wrote this whole entry with (semi) decent points (it is me, after all) and for some reason, blogger got hungry and ate the post.  I figured this out a few days later and just could not re create the same black magic, hence, a more than normal half assed post that really didn't convey what I wanted it to.

Spoiler alert:  I'm not quitting the blog.  It was really nice to get some cheering from my dedicated readers (you DO exist!  Yay!)  No worries.  I'm not going anywhere anytime soon.

I just need a new direction.  What that is, I'm not quite sure yet.  I do know that I've been feeling out of sorts lately (well, no kidding) and as odd as it sounds, I think I've decided to get my mid life crisis right out of the way at the age of 36.  We all knew I was a bit of an over achiever, so why the hell not get a jump on it.  Lately, I'm not feeling quite right about a bunch of things, so rather than complaining, its about time to take some action.  But how?


Well, to borrow from one of my favorites, Dan Brown (really love his stuff - if you haven't moved beyond "The Davinci Code" - do it!), I'll start with the quintessential question: How do you know where you are going if you don't know where you are or where you came from?  (Actually, Maya Angelou really said it.  Dan Brown just wrote a whole book on it with respect to evolution.  So, it's all to scale.  Or however I decide to spin it.  My blog). 

 So, it was time for some soul searching.  As luck would have it, I had a long run on tap, it was 45 degrees out, and the kids spent the night at my mom's house.  What else could I do but take a nice longish run to my old stomping grounds in Webster?  Seems perfectly legitimate to think about how you've gotten here if you are running "home".  

And, as I usually find, my running becomes a microcosm for my life.  In those 11 miles, I hit several high and low points that seem to define perfectly my journey of self reflection....and I noticed several things worth considering.

1.  When leaving on an adventure, don't take the time to let it scare you.  When I left the house, it was 45, with a 50% of showers.  Usually I would bag a long run that wasn't looped with that type of radar screen.  I didn't.  As I pushed off, it was lightly misting.  By mile 3, it was decidedly raining.  Mile 7...it started to pour.  And by mile 10, I couldn't even take a step without audible shoe squishing.  And ya know what?  It was literally one of the best 11 mile runs I've had in awhile.  If I would have backed out due to over thinking, I would have stared at the wall in the basement for 90 minutes.  And I would have missed out.

2.  There will always be obstacles.  See above for the rain.  And the stupid driver that ran a stop sign and nearly hit me at mile 5.  And the asshole that aimed for a huge puddle on my side of the road at mile 8, splashing the hell out of me.  Idiots.  But depending on how hard you believe in your journey, these are merely asides, and no reason to derail your goal.


3.  Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better.  My mom's house is 11.5 miles from mine.  The first half of the run is hilly as hell, then it evens out toward mile 5.  This is my turnaround point, should I choose to bail.  After mile 5, the terrain gets significantly easier and it makes no sense to turn around.  As luck would have it, the rain started to significantly get worse at mile 4.5.  And the wind picked up.  I could have turned around.  But I didn't.  There was something about the run that I knew was charting a course for more than a semi decent workout.  And in life, I don't quit.  So I pressed on.

4.  When you least expect it, a helping hand emerges.  Notice it.  And appreciate it.  Even if you don't need it.  Before I left the house, I told Greg my route, and he went on his own 3 mile run.  As he got back home to shower, he noticed the shitty weather and wanted to make sure I was ok.  By then I was at 6.5 miles and I saw our Equinox drive by then pull a U turn.  My angel of a husband offered me a bail - which was awesome.  Did I need it?  Nope.  But it was a really sweet gesture I appreciated.  As he drove home to shower, he yelled out, "By the way, you're killin it!"  And yes, yes I was.

5.  When you are getting close....there is (almost always) one last obstacle.  At mile 11, I pass my old grammar school, which was fitting as I reached the end of my journey of self reflection.  The sidewalk diverges here and the shoulder of the road is super narrow...and there was a nice snowbank in my way.  I could either run in the road or jump the bank.  As there was traffic, I wisely chose the latter.  And, as I have no natural grace, I did a nice plant in the bank and got even colder and wetter than I already was.  After a second of hesitation, I laughed and went on my way.  After all, there is a stoplight right past my mom's house and I could SEE my goal.  And when you can finally see what you want, what can stop you?  NOTHING.

6.  You CAN go home. (Thanks Bon Jovi). Well, I literally was going home.  But as I stopped at my Mom's driveway (OK, just past it....I was at 11.47 miles and admittedly have runner OCD), I looked at my childhood home, knowing my mom and kids were inside, and took a moment to appreciate the juxtaposition of my past, present, and future...all inside the same house.  And I stopped my watch, relishing in the 8:19 pace I held for 11.5 miles, which is awesome for a long non race run for me...and went inside to what was most important.  

As odd as it may sound, this run gave me more peace than I have known in awhile.  Running by some of the places I grew up, in a semi meditative state of what was most important to me, what I value, and why, put me in a great spot to consider where I am now.  What got me to this point in life.  What I bring to the table as a person, and which parts I need to keep, and which parts I have outgrown.  And with those "origins" in mind, I know I can step into some of the new roles I see for myself in the future.  What are they?  I have some ideas.  And for some....I still have no answers.  But that's really definitive of life, isn't it?  And that's ok by me.

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