Wednesday, July 15, 2020

266 Miles for Cystic Fibrosis: Running for a Cure

This is one of those posts, guys.  It ranks right up there with my first Ironman...My first Ultra....My first tri.  You start to write it a few times but you can't find the right words.  You want to convey the sheer magnitude of the experience you just had but the written word cannot in any way, shape or form, do justice to the feelings you have about it.  So I'll do my best.

2020 has been hard.  So, so hard.  And I know I'm nowhere near alone when I say that.  We have had our ups and downs, and the downs have been low, low downs.  Everyone has felt it to some degree, so this is not news.  I hit my lowest low a few weeks back.  There were a few days at the end of June where I actually could not get out of bed.  I thought I was sick, but was afraid to say anything to anyone.  My stomach hurt.  I couldn't eat.  And walking to the bathroom was a task that was insurmountable.  You get the gist.

2020 - "gently rolling hills"
Coming out of it, I got stronger every day, and had to be thoughtful of how to expend my energy so I didn't slide back into the hole I was in.  It was not an easy climb back.  I had to let go of certain things I clung to.  To accept things that I didn't have the energy to address or change, and to focus on what was most important in my life in the world that we currently live in.  As the days went by, I began to realize that the "sick" I had was a hitting of the wall with life - my stress had compounded so much with work, my family, my friends, my training and my environment that my body said ENOUGH!  and forced me to rest.  It was eye opening.  Coming out of it, I knew that I could, in fact, use the experience to become a better version of me.  I'm taking my time with this one, and of course I will have some thoughts along the way, but, as always, it comes with quite a few steps and a shift of my mindset.  Growth.  It's a scary, wonderful thing.

I preface my post with this because it really sets the stage for my experience.  I want to call this a race report, but it wasn't a race.  Or maybe it was?  You decide.  This past Friday, I travelled down to Cattaraugus County, NY, to be part of something amazing.  My friend Bradley Poole (well, I had met him once, but we are now BFFs, I'm confident) is a CF warrior.  What's CF?  Cystic Fibrosis, a rare genetic disease, produces mucus within the lungs and other organs in the body.  It's a rare genetic disease, and is fatal.  There is no cure, and the study to find one is severely underfunded.  Bradley has this disease, and I am a carrier for it.  He is 32 years old and has accomplished feats that no one with CF should logically be able to accomplish - he is a fantastic trainer, motivator, and holds a 1:34 half marathon PR (I know.  I need to work harder).  All in all, he is an amazing example of what it takes to NEVER GIVE UP.  (You're gonna want to donate even more when I finish this post, but in case you are inspired RIGHT now - https://passion.cff.org/runforacure).

As part of his quest to raise money to find a cure and inspire those with CF to live their life to the fullest, he, along with his sister Lauren (who is totally my sista from another mista) devised a fundraiser to run EVERY town in their county.  That's 7 days, 266 miles, roughly 38-42 miles of running per day.  Wow.  I eagerly signed up to pace him for 42 miles on the 6th day of the challenge, figuring my (limited) experience with ultras might in someway assist him.  I was so, so excited to be part of this.

As the week of the challenge arrived, we figured out his goal pace (10-12 minute miles)...and then....life hit.  The weather was predicted to be in the nineties all week, with the heat index over a hundred.  I was getting over being sick.  He figured out the first day that not only is Cat county hilly AF, but your pace for an ultra....especially a multi day one....needs to be flexible.  He tweaked his schedule and did the runs in two parts, one starting at 7am, one starting at 7pm.  I revised my pacing and decided to do the first 21 with him and then hand it off to a PM pacer.  Sensible. (Maybe?).  The morning of, I had my normal bagel and gatorade and packed for a 5 hour run - his morning runs had been about that long for 20 miles.  Into my camelbak went water, a pack of chomps, 2 gus, some peanuts for salt, gum, and emergency aquaphor.  I drove down to Alleghany, which was two hours away.  At 6:45am, the weather was a balmy 75 degrees with a projected high of 95.  Yowtch.

I met up with a small group of runners that turned out to be a mix of Brad's friends and people that didn't even know him.  One was a woman that read about him in the paper whose son battled anxiety.  One was a high school principal of a town we were running through.  Some were members of the local running club that wanted to lend their support.  Others co- workers, people he trains, and his wfie's co-workers. Their goals ranged from following for 2 miles to ten, and everyone knew we were going to be part of something great.  "Forrest" (as we oh so originally called him) showed up right at 7 and after a few photos and jokes, we were off!

The pace started out at an eleven minute mile of easy running.  Chris, a co-worker of Brad's wife, served as my co-pacer for the first 12 miles and she, Brad and I developed an easy rapport right from the beginning.  We chatted with Brad about his goals (run the flats, walk the hills) and I gave him his mile splits, which he asked for and said he found helpful.  We started out pretty quickly with the bad dad jokes (What do sprinters eat for breakfast?  Nothing....They Fast!) and kept up a decent stream of chatter for the first few miles.
About 3 miles in, our first 5k group peeled off and we hit an "aid station", which was filled with awesome supporters, water balloons, and ice!  Score.  I had elected to wear my camelbak and it began to rub, so I hit it up with aquaphor, ate some peanuts, and played with my new husky dog friendo (hint, greg, hint!)  We took off after a photo op and three members of the local fire department joined our entourage.  About mile 6 we were back on the roads and managed to get ourselves a fine lead vehicle (Thank you Deb!) and a police escort (Thank you Devine!), along with Brad's wife, Steph, who carried the SAG vehicle (she was AMAZING).  This parade of vehicles stayed with us for the whole 42 miles of the day, which was just unreal.  If I would have known, I would have thrown a change of clothes and my cooler in a car (this would totally bite me later, but live and learn), but it was super awesome to have an entourage - and Deb doubled as our photographer - she averaged at least 200 pictures per day, and was our map reader, cheerleader, and literal driver of the bus!

Around mile 6, we got sillier than normal and Chris and I started singing to Brad (this poor man).  We sang a little Def Leppard (my forte) and some Bon Jovi, eventually ditching the words to "Halfway There", as Brad was, in fact, way more than half way to his goal.  I give you the new chorus:


"Ohhhh!  We're 80% there!
Ohhh ohhh! I wish I had cold air!
Take my foot, it don't smell I sweearrr
Ohhh oh! Where's the cold air?"

Yep.  It was like that.  I'm a ball of cheese and I'd feel bad about it, but I got him to laugh through the pain, so thanks, I'll be here all day (foreshadowing, anyone?)

It was also at about this point that we developed our first grand idea of the day.  Brad confessed to us that after 5 days of running he had lost 15 pounds and we joked that it was a great dieting strategy (disclaimer - it's not, and we know it, and we were joking) but over the next few miles we developed our new marketing tool - the 2-6-6 diet!

Only 2 runs a day for 6 days, for 6 miles (plus 260) total! (266!)

your results may vary.  Do not try this at home. 

Somehow this seemed totally hilarious at the time, and after day 7 Brad lost 20 pounds total and might have to revise his plan.  Don't worry buddy, I'm still available for consults!

Teegan, Brad and I, hitting the first major hill
Mile 8 changed the tone for the day.  We were still averaging about an 11:30 mile and picked up two new running mates - Teegan and Trae.  Teagan is a 12 year old child warrior who battles CF and is one of the top wrestlers in the state.  She began wrestling at age 4, which blows my mind.  She, her brother, and her Dad became part of our entourage, and these two kids just blew me away with their can do and amazing attitude toward life.   These guys joined us for the next 6 miles, and this is when we started hitting the major hills.  I joked about hiring a bulldozer the night before to flatten the hills, and about 2 miles into them, realized I needed to fire them immediately (THEY HAD ONE JOB TO DO!) Our morning buddy, Chris, peeled off here (don't worry, we are totally besties now, she texted me bad dad jokes all afternoon for the cause, and is one of the new amazing friends I have from this day!).  The first major hill, about mile 10, was at least a mile long and totally unrunnable.  The second stretched at least 2 miles long and Brad kept us going strong here - at this point, it was about 93 out and the pavement was well over 100.  We were running up these hills at a steady 11-12 minute mile and I was just in awe of this man.  Any thought I had of stopping would have been laughable.

At mile 13, we came to the intersection of a new town and stopped for water, a balloon launch in CF colors (purple) and a few words with the local paper, which my backside made.  (They clearly knew my best shot LOL).

With the first half marathon down, it was off for more fun, more water spray, more cheering, and then miles and miles of desolate country.  We had a new runner join us, Trina, who was an awesome cheerleader and we hit it off immediately.  We spent the next 6 miles or so trading spots next to Brad and talking him through one mile at a time.  At this point, we found out that Teegan's Aunt lived on the course at mile 21 and we made plans to stop for the morning there.  It was where I planned to unload, until I found out that Brad's third pacer for the day might or might not make it.  Trina and her husband, JD, planned to do as much of the back stretch as possible, but with it being as hot as it was and with Brad's condition (he began to question a stress fracture at this point) I decided I would stay with him as long as I could stand it.  I had a bail out option at 1pm, 5pm, or Steph offered to drive me back to my car at the end.  I ditched my camelbak about mile 15, as it had rubbed the spot of a silver dollar totally raw, and gave it to Deb to SAG.  We finished the morning stint super strong, and did the first 21 miles in 4:15 total moving time, a 11:35 pace, which was his fastest morning yet of the week!


Our lunch stop was nothing short of gourmet.  Teegan's Aunt, Deena, had a pool and we jumped in fully clothed.  We feasted on Peanut butter and fluff sandwiches (OMG SO GOOD), popsicles, and cheese puffs.  I aired out my shoes and shirt.  Aquaphored.  And sat down and chatted with Brad, Steph, Deb, Devine, and Teegan's Dad, Shane.  Their stories blew me away.  They shared their life experiences and opened up 100% to a complete stranger.  My feet hurt, I was warm, and I wasn't feeling awesome, but being part of this day took all of that away, and a feeling of peace and grace took over at this point that would remain the rest of the day.  It was indescribable to be part of something this amazing and I knew I wanted to soak up every minute.

We headed out for the second 21 miles about 3pm, and the day was just brutal.  It was easily 95.  Brad donned his new "umbrella hat" that his wife (oh, did I mention she's 7 months pregnant?) got with a diaper purchase, and we joked about his modeling for the company for when you get "the runs".  At this point, a new runner, JD (Trina's husband) became our third, and we started out with the goal of run half a mile, then quarter mile walk.  We bid Deena goodbye (what an awesome woman!) and headed out, with Deb at the lead, Devine in his cop car, and Steph trailing the parade.  The first 3 miles were pretty great, then we realized that the 1300 feet elevation gain we had in the first 21 miles was merely a warm up for the PM hills.

The hills came fast and furious, and the day got even hotter.  We were in the middle of complete desolation, and as we trekked through dirt roads in the country we began to wonder what passerby thought of us.  We decided that it was most logical that we were 3 inmates with our police escort getting our hour rec time.  Man, we are not model prisoners.....we took way longer than an hour!

At the top of hill number 412....gorgeous, but DAMN!
About mile 25, on our 537th hill of the day, we abandoned the running and opted for a power walk.  We started talking about how we got to our journeys as runners and how we were all so different than we were 15 years ago.  We started sharing really personal stories, and even though it was above 90, we all got shivers.  We agreed that we were so damned lucky to be where we were in life, and how running really helped us ground ourselves and be good friends, partners, and parents.  JD has two kids as well, and we gave Brad some solid, likely shitty parenting advice I'm sure he holds near and dear to his heart.  In this stretch we also developed a real craving for bacon cheeseburgers, gravy fries, calzones, a solid base of four letter words and "That's what She said" jokes.

In the heart of the country, we noticed an abundance of Trump signs and the talk turned to politics.  This could have gotten sketchy, but we were past any squeamishness (yes, we already resolved the "If a runner shits in the woods debate") and had a lively political chat.  We ended in agreement - clearly, it was time for Brad to cast his net into politics, and run for president.  We came up with a platform "He ran the county, now he can run the country!" and I'm pretty sure I volunteered to run the campaign while JD fed us and kept us up in dirty jokes.  Somehow, I have faith this will be fruitful, and you can all thank me in November.

Umbrella hat!
About mile 28, we encountered a new obstacle - there was construction on a bridge that led to a road closure about 12 feet long.  We had 3 choices.....jump it, run the detour (an extra 3 miles), or catch a ride to the other side of the bridge.  JD and I volunteered Brad to test the jump, and he wisely opted for the ride.  (See, he is smart).  We loaded to the other side of the road, and continued up another mother f*cking hill on our way.

About mile 30, Trina joined us again (at the top of a hill, cause she's super smart) and we entered dog country.  Devine gave us some siren support to stave off the ankle biters, and we (almost) unanimously decided JD could totally be our dog bait (Sorry, JD).  The next 5 miles were pretty uneventful - we stopped a few times, Brad was really hurting, and I was starting to hit a wall based off of the fact that I packed nowhere near enough food, no electrolytes, and nowhere near enough liquid for the day.  Thankfully, Steph shared water and ice, and I shared my trick of how to go from a B cup to a D cup with just a handful of ice (its a cool party trick).

About mile 35 we had some new people join us - our pom pom crew, Steph's mom, Sue (who had knee issues and was out there gettin it done!) and Tom, who brought fresh dirty jokes to our crew.  My gamin gave out at mile 36, and JD volunteered his stats for the cause (which were way better because my watch consistently shorted us.  Damned garmin).

It was about 6:30pm at this point and every time we thought the sun was done, it would prove it was kidding and give off more heat.  The bugs came out and the hills were relentless.  The ground was mostly rocks and dirt, and I got really thirsty.  Trina and I paired up and came up with a few awesome running plans - I think I agreed to coach her and JD and pace them for a half in the fall (I am so in, guys!) and we traded more life stories, which was much needed!

About mile 38, I took a break.  I was getting cold and fuzzy headed, which is never a good thing.  I hadn't peed in 5 hours.  I took a break in Steph's car, slammed a gatorade, and looked down to see my legs were totally covered in heat rash.  It was still in the high 80s, and about 7:30pm.  I could not warm up and knew I was in trouble.  I took over as support with Steph via tunage, and we came up with a playlist to finish out the day - including epic jams like "Till I Collapse" and "The Hills" (I knew I liked this girls sense of humor).  I eventually rallied and can't thank Steph enough for her awesome support of the silly runner who didn't prep (Of course, in my defense, I DID plan to run 21, not 42!).  The last few miles Brad decided not to stop at all and the crew maintained a strong as hell pace of 16-17 minute miles (with JD in charge of splits!) power walk, even breaking into a jog for the last half mile.  According to JD's timekeeping, we finished the second 21 miles in 5:35, for a 16:00 pace.

Total elevation gain over 42 miles:  3600 feet.  Un freaking real. For comparison, the 112 mile Lake Placid Elevation gain for the bike IN TH ADIRONDACKS is about 6000 feet.

Cause why not bunny ears at mile what the hell ever.
The end was filled with air hugs, fist bumps, exchange of phone numbers, and a ride back to the car (still craving that cheeseburger).  I was exhausted, dirty, and my neck was sore as hell.  My legs were covered in heat rash, and I ate a bag of tortilla chips for dinner (those babies were so darn good), along with some gourmet McD's burgers.

The next day, after fueling up well, I felt pretty awesome.  Brad finished his last 14 miles strong Saturday and met his goal.  I woke up to so many kind words and group camaraderie from my new Cat county peeps - and the feeling of being part of something so much bigger than I was.  The whole day was beyond anything I could have even imagined.  In today's world, especially with the events of 2020, to be part of something like this was exactly what I needed.

 Brad asked me to pace him, and he and his support crew and family gave me more than I ever could have given them.  I had a bunch of new Facebook friends, I might be in someone's wedding (kidding...maybe??) and I think I might have spring boarded my future as a  running coach. 

  I met so many amazing people over the miles - Misty, Althea, Chris, Trina, JD, Trae, Teegan, Shane, Deena, Sue, Tom, "D" Devine, Deb, and of course Steph - and the man him self.  (Sorry if I missed anyone!) He might be Forrest Gump.  He might be a personal coach.  He might be a runner.  But above all things, he is a warrior who goes for what he believes in and what he sets out to do - as an example to others of the lack of limits living with CF - and to a daily example to everyone of living life without limits.

How inspiring.  How amazing.  How.....I have no words.  Brad, I won't forget this day ever.  Thank you for inviting me into your world. It meant so much to me.

And like you, I'll stride till I'm done.

Please donate to his cause - https://passion.cff.org/runforacure.  His goal is 100,000 and he is halfway there (no I won't sing more Bon Jovi).  In a year where we need a "why" - here it is.

(Note: Thanks to Deb Golley for the awesome pics!)

(Note:  Five days post run, I feel awesome - I took a few days off and am back to running again, though a slow build up for sure!  I DO NOT advise doing what I did - I had one 18 miler build up to this day and drastically screwed up my nutrition and hydration.  I was able to fix it on the fly with no long term damage but it was not a wise way to handle this. Also note, all decisions were my own and not my coaches - due to 2020 being lame AF, I am on pause with my coach and all stupid decisions are mine alone.  He would, um, strongly advise against this, period.  )

Wednesday, July 8, 2020

Power Up - Rob is 7!!!

You guys.  Every year I say it, and every year it gets a little wilder.  Where does the time go???  I can't believe my little baby is seven years old.  SEVEN.  I kindly asked him to stop it, please, and he told me "Mommy, I can't.  It's what people do - we grow up!".  Alright, kid.  Point made.  I don't like it much, but as we do, we roll with the awesome parts of your little kid not being so little any more and cherish the fleeting times that are passing way too quickly for this mama!

And you made it, buddy.  The big seven.  This year has been a year of ups and downs (mostly ups!) and some mega changes!  A big move, your first mile race, being six during a pandemic, and making some pretty awesome new friends while keeping your nearest and dearest friendships alive in a whole new world!  As always, it's a time for this mama to not only look back on the last year, but also to take a trip down memory lane to when Rob was born...One...Two...Three...Four.......five....six...

And now he's 7!  So let's talk about the man of the hour....the ROB MAN!



Size: 49 pounds, four feet tall even.  Right where you should be dude!!  You have a fantastic appetite and definitely are a mover and shaker - you are growing up so beautifully and well!  Our main worry is to always make sure you are eating enough for your constant GO GO GO!  

Likes: Some things never change - though you don't obsess the way you used to, you still love your cars....instead of the matchbox variety you now have a thing for cool classic and muscle cars.  You point them out whenever we go out for a ride and have decided that our new 3 car garage is a perfect place to store your new lambo.  Sure, buddy.  I'll get right on it.  (That could be a hot wheels, right??).  You still love science, and have been loving physics and astronomy lately - we busted out our telescope and love the night sky!!  You still love swimming and biking and ADORE running - you go out with mommy at least once a week to log the miles and are getting so darn fast!!
You love your video games and really got into Minecraft this year, and the most recent obsession is Mario Kart and Smash Bros...you have a Mario costume you dress up in and go to town on your Nintendo Switch!
You still love dance parties and can really bust a move, and you're getting into strategic gaming - whether it be in real life or on the X box.  Watching your mind put moves together is just amazing, buddy - I love the way your process and the awesome conclusions you come to!

Dislikes: Art - coloring, projects, etc...not a fan.  You've started to draw and create characters, and you are pretty darn good at it - but its on your own terms, which is cool.  You have a love/hate relationship with your sister, which is totes normal, though I will say being with her 24/7 the last few months has definitely made you closer!  You still have doubts about school but our recent move to Webster has been eye opening and you loved your teacher for the few weeks that you had her.  I'm hopeful if we return in the fall that we can make school into something you love and look forward to!

Sleep: While this has never been your forte, we seem to be doing better with this one!  You have some nights that are tough and are still prone to nightmares, but more nights than not you sleep through the night.  I'm hopeful this trend continues!

EatingYou still eat all the things!!  This year yous tarted to learn about nutrition at school and are pretty intent on following a balanced diet - you ask me all the time if a certain food is healthy and if it has too much sugar.  It's been a great lesson in moderation for our whole family and we have learned to balance our favorite treats - pizza, chicken nuggets, hash browns and hot dogs - with carrots, broccoli, yogurt, and fresh fruit.  Your favorite food is APPLES and you have at least one a day and would probably eat four if Mommy could stock them fast enough!  This is your dessert every night and you could teach mommy a things or two, buddy!  Way to go!!

Milestones/Firsts: First mile race last Fall - you learned you love to run long but have to control speed!  You're learning that if you go out too hard you end up using all you have in the tank.  I'm impressed - it took Mommy about 30 more years to realize this!!  You also lost your first tooth!!  When asked what you wanted the tooth fairy to bring you, you responded..."A Dime".  (Love you kid!!)  You made the big move to Webster.  Started a whole new school...for 3 weeks.  Learned how to kick some ass in first grade via distance learning, and did amazing at it!  You are reading at close to a 3rd grade level and your science grasp is off the charts.  We are so, so proud!


You keep learning more Spanish bit by bit and also have picked up on a new language...profanity.  Uhhh....can I blame Daddy?  No?  Alright fine.  (steps back slowly).

Best Moment: Every single day, buddy.  I've said it before and I'll say it again - watching you grow up and learn new things every day is the best experience ever.  I see your wonder, your excitement, and yes, frustration as you navigate new things and understand the world around you better every day (kudos to you kid, the world is a giant mystery to me right now!)  You are in the coolest spot right now - you are growing up from a little kid to a boy that's not mommy's little guy anymore, even though you still humor me from time to time.  You assure me that you will always give Mommy hugs, 'mooches and snuggles and will never, ever, get too big for that.  I'm gonna hold you to it dude - watching you grow is beyond amazing, but from time to time I get the Mom sniffles and remember when you curled right up and fit in my lap and slept there....my little peanut.  I remember when you relied on me for every thing and when you tell me "Mom, I got it.  Let me do it" I am simultaneoously so excited for you growing up and also nostaglicly tearful as I know...you don't need me like you used to.  It's every parents catch-22, buddy.  We love you so much and it';s our job to help you grow up then let you go.  I know it.  But it's not easy.  


Looking Forward To: Our summer together - we have no idea what this looks like in the "Brave New World" of 2020, but we sure are making memories every day and making the best of it!  We swim, we play catch, tag, ride bikes, eat donuts for dinner, and take life right as it comes to us!  In a year where we don't know what "big moments" will come our way, we sure are loving all the Little Wonders (Google it - It's a Rob Thomas song that will totally make you cry when you have kiddos!)
I love you so much buddy.  As always, I remember every single day how very lucky I am to be your mommy and that I was trusted with the most important job in the world!!

Saturday, June 6, 2020

Closer To Fine

It's no accident I've had some radio silence lately.  Every time we turn around, the world is changing, and usually not for the better.  As someone that posts publicly, I've struggled to find the right words to say about our world right now.  It seems wrong to flippantly post about my latest run when some people are fighting for their livlihoods, whether it be in terms of taking a literal breath, recovering from economic devastation, staying healthy, or keeping some semblance of a healthy mental and emotional outlook.

I also feel as if I am in no position to offer any real wisdom or guidance on any of the above.  I'm a flawed person, living each day to my best, trying (unsuccessfully) to understand the world around me.  I'm also learning lately that sometimes its best to keep your mouth shut and your ears open.  I don't in any way, believe thats a way to advocate for any systemic change.  But I am learning, one step at a time, and have always believed in the concept of understanding before action (at least in terms of actions that go beyond ones that affect me, myself and I.  I give myself perfect permission to f*ck up my own life.  I mean, to learn from my mistakes).

I can't decide really how to classify life in a pandemic.  It seems to exist in a bubble for me. At times, it feels like life has been this way forever. I forget what its like to see a school bus.  Go to the store to just shop mindlessly.  Plan an evening out. See my friends.  HAve a play date for the kids.

The past month has had its ups and downs, as I am sure anyone can attest to.  I can't do it justice in a post except to speak through my own personal lens.  The beginning of May held such promise of some sort of return to normal (whatever that is!), and the end of the month simultaneously nudged the door open to living again in the COVID era while shutting it down with swift and non-sensical violence in the world.

No one knows what to think or talk about any more.  We are all in such a state of shock and concurrently numb to any more life knocks that are happening.  I firmly believe that empathy, open ears, and open communication is the only path out.

So I've been living my own truth.  Even though 2020 was really in no ones plans, we all have to live with what we've got.  Not to accept our circumstances, but to navigate them the best we can.  I can't say I'm killing it.  Far from it.  I'm usually a woman with a plan - whether it be a plan for racing, for the weekend, for my career, for my kids...and right now, that plan changes daily.  It's either a recipe for mental growth or for complete destruction.  Sometimes both in one day.

So I'm learning to be patient.  To be flexible.  To honor what both my family and I need.  And that includes listening to what helps me be a better person.  There are the mandatory life "necessities" of course, but lately I've been doing a lot of thinking about who I want to be coming out of this.  It seems as if there have, in fact, been the "Stages of Pandemic Life" in 2020 for me -

First, there was denial.  This isn't happening.  This isn't part of my plan.  Nah.  We gonna be back to normal soon.  I pretty much lived this stage for the first month, until April 10th, when my summer Ironman was cancelled.  Not that my life revolves around racing (ok fine, busted), or that I had minimalized the pandemic at all,  but this set off the notion in my little brain that we were probably in this for the long haul. 

Post denial, I went through the overwhelm stage.  I spent four days weeks eating wayyyy too many carbs and sort of flim flamming from one extreme to the next.  I ran 15 miles.  I took two days off at drank too much wine.  I spent a full day being creative maven to my kids.  I spent a full day saying "f it", go play minecraft.  I worked a 12 hour day.  I took a day off and hid under the covers.  I'd call the normal female behavior (I can say that 'cause I have two X chromosomes) but I strongly suspect this behavior was indicative of most of the world in some shape or form.  The "pause" was not meant to be a time to be our best selves.  The stress, fear, and grief - no matter what your specific grief was - was enough to unleash any kind of coping mechanism that could be found. 

I think I've finally hit the third stage.  I'm not quite sure what to call it.  I'm tempted to call it serenity, but that's probably not accurate.  There is a strong element to accepting what I can control and learning to let go of what I can't.  In terms of my relationships, I've accepted the ones that aren't healthy for me - if they are in a spot in my life where I can step back from them, I will.  If not, I treat them as such so that they don't define me.  I don't need to instigate contact with people that make me feel bad about myself - I can do that on my own.  I've started to spend more time and energy on those that naturally build me up or encourage me to be my best self - whether its my kids, my husband, my family, or my friends - I've got some pretty great contacts in my inner circle right now - a fantastic little group of people that accept me for who I am, both the bad and good parts.  I've also started taking things into perspective in shades of gray - it's not an all or nothing world.  If you know me at all, I use running as a pretty constant form of stress relief, socialization, time alone with my thoughts, and race training.  I've started running on a "how I feel" basis, rather than any type of pre planning- I've had some pretty awesome runs with one of my best friends.  Pretty fantastic runs all by myself.  Runs in the heat.  Runs in the rain - splashing through puddles and enjoying the life I CAN be thankful for.  Thinking runs where I come to some pretty great conclusions.  Runs amid tears, where I work through myself, one mile at a time. 

Truth is, I'm in a pretty good spot with me right now.  And oddly enough, at a really undefined time.  And without a "goal".  I had grasped at straws for so long, looking for some milestone to help define me.  140.6.  26.2.  BQ.  I had settled in on a 100 miler and went for that for the past 3 weeks.  After a fantastic training block, I found out last night the race was cancelled.

This morning, I laced up my shoes and set out in the early morning dawn... regardless of the race that was no longer.  About a mile in to my 5 or 10 or whatever mile run, my legs said...stop.  Today is not a day to run.  It's a day for other things.  I thought about it for a minute, hit stop on my watch, and walked back home.  It was a perfect seventy degrees out with a light breeze.  There were people out walking, running, riding.  The sun was rising.  The clouds were magnificent.  I appreciated every moment of that walk home and knew I would be out tomorrow, running again, with fresh legs.


Sometimes, life is like that.  You run the miles, you kick some ass.  Then sometimes, you step back and appreciate the beauty of the world in a different way.  You listen instead of doing.  You reframe your thinking.  You reset your goals.  Two miles later (yes, I took the long way) I got home and my six year old son, our early riser, was the only one up.  He asked "Mommy - did you have a good run?" And I looked at him and said "buddy, I didn't go fast.  Mommy's legs needed a rest.  But it was a great run.".  He patted the spot next to him on the couch and said, "Mommy - come snuggle?"

Of course I will buddy.  Can't think of a better way to start this day again.  Was it the 10 miler I had planned?  Nope.  It was even better than that.  And just like that, a new day had begun.

Tuesday, May 5, 2020

Goggins 4x4x48 Challenge: The Space Between

Well, here we are - five days into May and I know that, aside from Murder Hornets and Margaritas, everyone's mind is clearly on one thing - did I escape the Goggins challenge alive?

I'm happy to report that this is not an auto generated post from the great beyond and I am, in fact, alive, well, and even walking (pretty) normally!

For a quick recap, I decided a few weeks ago to take on the Goggins challenge this past weekend - or - a 4 mile run every 4 hours for 48 hours.  There were no time goals in mind, simply to finish the challenge in one piece.  I've had a few friends do some variation of it and it seemed to pair well with my goals - run all the miles (1000k by August 31, at least!), try new things, and perhaps some sort of festering goal I'm not ready to fess up yet (so secretive).
I had decided to kick it off on May 1, and with a little logistical help from my crew, determined that a 10am start worked well.  I would run 16 miles on Friday (10am, 2pm, 6pm, 10pm), 24 miles Saturday (2am, 6am, 10am, 2pm, 6pm, 10pm) and finish it off Sunday with 8 miles (2am, 6am).  Easy peasy, right?  I worked through the "race checklist".  Blocked off 2 one hour slots for work om Friday to run.  Laid out everything I could think of - 6 changes of clothes, compression sleeves, 2 pairs of shoes, gum, visor, headbands, gloves, aquaphor, ibuprofen, and a partridge (I had no pear tree).  I packed a bin full of easy run snacks - peanut butter crackers, applesauce pouches, bananas, bagels.  All easy to grab.  I had been told the two things to watch were my nutrition and resting - to rest as much as possible and eat well.

I mean, with a full time job, two little kids, a quarantine, a husband that works weekends, and the random weather of Rochester, what could possibly go wrong?  It's just 4 miles.....

Friday morning rolled around.  I woke up early, caffeinated, ate some oatmeal and began work by 6:30.  I was oddly nervous about this - much like a race!  I got some good lucks from my friends that knew what craziness I was attempting, and at 9:55, Biz threw a giant tantrum and the cat got out.  OMFG.  I had a mini panic attack, cause we all know the world was gonna blow up if I didn't start at 10 on the dot.  Managed some superwoman gymnastics with the help of Greg, and I was off right at 10:00!

Run #1 kicked off with little fanfare.  I had all of the first mile crazy mind jobs - my legs were killing me, my breathing a mess, and absolutely no faith I could pull this off.  It was humid as hell out and .7 miles in, my Garmin fitness read my performance condition as "-4".  Thanks Garmin.  Douchebag.  I tried to keep it slow and easy - my overall goal was about a 9:30-10:00 mile - the rule of thumb for any ultra is if you think you are going too slow, go slower.  Check.  This lasted until mile 3, which was an 8:54.  Whoops.  I rounded off run #1 at just over a 9 minute mile.  Got home, showered, ate some eggs and veggies, and hopped on a conference call.  One down, 11 to go!


Run 2 was supposed to happen at 2pm, and of course, we had a minor work crisis at 1:45.  WTF, guys!  Again, luck was on my side (because of course, this was OH SO IMPORTANT) and I was out the door at 1:59.  This time it was a little windier, little less humid.  I picked a different route and the run was uneventful except my right calf was a bit sore, so I foam rolled post run.  I again failed miserably at my goal of 9:30-10:00 pace and hit a 9:05 average.  This was slightly concerning but since I ran totally on feel, I figured I would roll with it (see what I did there?).  I had been encouraged to share my crazy weekend on social media so after my first run, the few comments on the scary face I was making led to a little fun with post run snaps.  I grabbed a sparkle hat, donned it with fanfare, and posted my second go around.  Grabbed a shower, changed, and ate some soup.

As I dressed for run #3 I noticed my Heart Rate monitor had already left marks on my chest and rubbed it raw.  F*ck.  I did not sign up for BDSM here, folks.  I grabbed some lube and decided to try another position for it the next time around (TWSS).

I finished work about 5pm and made dinner for the kiddos.  I saved a slice of pizza for post run and before I knew it, it was 6pm!  Run #3 actually felt better than the first two - my legs had no clue what the hell I was doing, but at this point, running felt better than not running.  Weird.  My first mile was slowest (as it was for this whole challenge) but this run was pretty great.  I had queued up a massive playlist for daytime runs and there was a great string of slow songs that got me breathing, smiling, and in a good head space.  Finished the run with a 9:02 pace and it was my fastest yet!  Good?  NO!  Though i was technically flying solo here, my coach texted me pretty much within the hour after every run to check in and also to tell me to slow the F*ck down.  I swear, I tried!

It was now bedtime for some, so the next few hours were mommin' time.  At this point, I had the rhythm down pat. 

Start run at Hour 0:00.  Finish at :35-:37.  Shower. (Yes, I showered after every run.  It was totally necessary.  I also wore a new outfit every time.  Somehow I did laundry twice during this challenge.  I'm a moron.  You knew that). Post to Social Media.  Enter in training notes.  Eat.  Finish everything by :55.  Life, Mom, Adult, or attempt to rest :55-3:35.  3:35 - prep for next run.  Hour 4:00 - run. I was stuck in my own little Groundhog day cycle of a 4 hour window.  Crazy how quickly it became routine!

This round called for bath time for the kids, story time, snuggles and bed.  I rested with my legs up the side of the bed (poor kiddos) and finished up about 8:30.  At this point I prepped for my 10pm, 2am and 6am runs.  Set alarms.  Set out outfits.  Set out snacks.  And got ready for run #4!

Run #4 was super tough.  I've run at night a few times, but it never gets easier.  I wasn't tired yet, and I ran with a lighted vest and reflectors to be seen, but running at night is erie.  Night running forces me to be slower so I don't break important things like my legs or my stride.  I got to keep on mooooovin... (Oh, sorry).  And about a half mile in I heard coyotes close by and thought....this is not good.  I took a deep breath.  And just focused.  I noticed my HR was higher on this run, probably due to nerves, and my pace was my slowest yet (this was actually my slowest run out of the 12).  I was really glad when it was over - this was not a toughie in terms of body, but totally in terms of mind.  I was showered and in bed by 11:15, when, of course, I couldn't sleep.

SATURDAY


Before I knew it, it was 1:35 and my alarm went off.  I stepped out of bed (the spare room - I was not gonna put Greg through this more than I needed to!) and knew immediately I was an idiot for not wearing compression sleeves.  I couldn't walk.  Which means I could totally run, right??  Somehow, stubborn won out and amidst tons of yawning, I was off for run #5.  My legs were starting to feel it a bit, though I really felt it in my back and was really tired.   I literally almost ran over a few deer about a mile in (they look really weird up close at night and I think I freaked them out!).  About mile 2 I saw some cops whiz by...and again at mile 3 (I chose an out and back for the dark runs on a main street).  The second time they drove by one car slowed, cracked the window and asked if I was ok.  I was scared shitless and told them I was out for a run.  I think they were equally as thrown as I was, and told me to have fun and be safe (um, ok!).  Post run, shower, post, east and sleep.  Lights were out by 2:55 - a new record!

Run #6 - halfway there - was my first sunrise run.  This was officially my low point and where I seriously considered ending the challenge.  This was a total roller coaster run.  The first mile was incredibly painful - at this point my legs had caught on to the idea that I intended to destroy them and were not very happy with me.  It got better after mile 1, but my stomach also told me I wasn't feeding it well.  Bunch of whiners. The lack of sleep, time between runs to "recover" but not really, and nutrition were the killers of this challenge - you had to eat, but not too much.  And the right stuff.  Drink enough.  Rest, but not lie down too much.  Such a cycle.  Somehow, I talked my head into a better place and finished this run well - and at my fastest pace to date.  Whoops.  We have now hit a sub 9:00 pace.  This....was not good.


Between runs 6 and 7 I foam rolled, stretched, and used the trigger point (roller of death).  This made a HUGE difference and run #7 was my fastest run.  My stomach was a bit off for this round but I suspect it's because I ate shortly pre run.  It was shaping up to be a warm sunny, day - great for hammock reading, not great for running.  Oh well.  Could be worse!  With an 8:49 pace for run #7, the post run text came fast and furious telling my that I needed to knock off the ego - a fair point and I recognized it.  The danger of hitting the wall was real - with 5 runs left, could I hold on??

I celebrated a fantastic run with a grilled cheese sammich and some play time with the kiddos outside - one of these was not a good life choice.

...and it was the sammich.  Run #8 was the poop run.....of course, I had a little inspo from some of the ahem, song input I had solicited during this portion of the challenge.  Somehow I managed to get a song about poop on my playlist *THANKS GUYS* and it hit right at mile 2 when my tummy told me how very unhappy it was with me.  I was really bloated, felt like crap, and um, literally needed to crap.  I made it home by the grace of who knows what and mile 3 of this run came in at 8:26, my fastest mile overall.  That was the toilet mile, folks.  I'm not proud.  I banned lactose for 24 hours, took an epsom salt bath, and drank a diet coke post run (cause that's really smart.  I know).


Run #9 was slightly better.  Pre run, my daughter yelled out "Mom....are you running AGAIN???" Um, yep.  Sorry kiddo.  My son then asked if I was running to outer space.  God I love my kids.  Totally put a smile on my face.  I clearly channeled my inner sparkle unicorn this run and it worked!  My stomach as back to playing nicely, however, my legs at this point had fully caught on to the extent of my intentions and the jig was up.  Miles 1-2 were really painful, but by mile 3 I had settled in again to what was clearly my happy pace....a 9 minute mile average!  I got another warning about going to effin fast and at this point I was totally worried about the last 3 runs.  At this point I hadn't slowed or walked yet....could I make it?


Run #10 -  The good news was, I didn't die.  Woot.  The bad news...pre run I was so cold so I layered up.  Dumb move. Bad news - it was humid as hell out there and since I'd lost all thermal regulation, I way the hell overdressed. Oh well.  More people left their lights on the second night, which was cool.  I spotted a nice BBQ grill on the side of the road left out for the taking and debated a cheeseburger, but it totally would have messed up my splits. Damn me.  Post run, I busted out the hard stuff and celebrated a 56 second PR from my previous 10pm run (I'm kidding.  Kraken inspires terrible life choices on my part, and since I was already invested in such a decision, the ramifications of a shot would have been unwise.  I'll wait till after quarantine to test that one).

SUNDAY

Run #11 - Last 2am run.  As the alarm sounded (I got nearly a full hour of sleep, yay!) I limped down the stairs and groaned with every step.  This run was uneventful except for the sheer amount of cops out at 2am AGAIN.  I'm positive they had all heard about me from the neighbors re: that "lunatic runner that runs by every 4 hours".  Suspected I would probably be on the news soon (sadly, that did not happen).  Just call me Forrest.  I keep RUN-NING (I practiced that and never got to use it.  Pity). I developed a hot spot on my lower right calf that made the last mile really painful, but I squeaked through.  Post run, applied tiger balm, a compression sleeve, and crawled into bed.  ONE. RUN. LEFT.

Even though the last run was set for 6am, I set my alarm a little early.  I had big plans for this run.  With the previous 11, I had run along the neighborhood streets.  This time, I headed out a little early to chase sunrise, toward the lake.  Mile 1 of this run offers a wicked uphill and I didn't want to screw myself over, but this was the last one, baby, so who cared. Do it.  The first half mile was so painful, then, as always, I hit my stride.  At mile 1 I was rewarded with the views of the lake and the sun peeking over the water.  The next mile was all lakeside sunrise and so breathtaking, I forgot my "quest" and just enjoyed the view, and was so darn thankful to be out there amidst the beauty.  As I finished out the last run, I got emotional about the whole thing and felt as I did during the end of any race.  Did I just do that??  Did I really run 48 miles without stopping once to walk?  Did my last 3 miles of 48 clock in at a sub 9 pace?  How is that possible?  Shivers. I. Did. It.

I ran up the final hill and saw my house in the distance.  As my watch hit 4.00 miles I stopped it, slowed to a walk and took a deep breath.  Smiled at nothing in particular.  Sat on my front porch and enjoyed a quiet moment of reflection.  Then I went inside, hugged my kids, and made breakfast, same as any Sunday. And life goes on.

***

Post Challenge reflections:

Sunday, my whole body hurt.  I made sure to refuel,  don compression gear, walk around, and did an ice bath for recovery.  Yesterday was slightly better.  I took the day off from working out and did a nice walk on the trails to get the blood flowing.  Today I rode very easy for an hour and stretched.  I feel like I ran a hard half marathon or did an easy 20 miler Sunday.  So, not the extent of an ultra for sure, but I know my perception alone doesn't mean I don't need to recover.  I plan to get some good cross training recovery work in this week and start a slow run toward the end of the week.

Do I recommend this?  I think it's a good idea for those training for stage races - ultras that last several days or perhaps 100 milers.  It seems simple enough - just 4 miles - but you are asking your body to go constantly on little recovery and no sleep (I got about 3 hours total sleep)..  The nutrition was super hard to nail as you had to eat enough, but not too much.  The right nutrients, but stomach friendly for the jostling of running.  And to time it right.  This part reminded me very much of ultra fueling and would be good practice for those training for one.

Would I do it again?  Probably not.  I blew myself away by being able to hold a decent, consistent pace (which was way faster than I expected - my slowest mile split was 9:37) and it reminded me what the most powerful tool is during an ultra - your mind.  My body gave me many, many reasons to quit and I had to combat it with mental toughness - even moreso because there was no "official race" happening - no finish line, no competitors....just me.  With that being said, it was a fun quarantine challenge and admittedly put a few crazy thoughts in my head for some future goals.

Oh you knew I was going there.  As always, stay tuned :)

A big thanks to everyone that cheered me on, send good thoughts, texted, commented or messaged me - your words and cheers kept me going!  And an even bigger thanks to my awesome family for putting up with my crazy - love you guys!!

Tuesday, April 28, 2020

Virtual Insanity

Well then.  Clearly I needed a little bit of cheese with the wine in that last post, am I right?  Thankfully, it's been two weeks, about a million perspective shifts, a lot of deep breaths, and a ton of patience later.  And here we are.

I took some time to feel sad about the lack of racing in 2020.  I'm fully aware it's a first world problem, but I'm also aware that during this whole unprecedented time, no one wrote a book at how to get through it.  We all have bad times, good times, moments of sadness, moments of insanity, moments of not giving a $hit, and moments of pure, simple, joy in ways we never expected.

Sometimes all in one day.

Over the past few weeks, I've taken a step back and learned to have some patience.  Acceptance for not being in control of what lies ahead.  Open minded thinking for people that might be viewing this a different way.  Stepping back from people that judge the way I am handling my life choices.  Understanding for those willing to have a conversation with me about where our viewpoints differ, usually ending where both of us come out better for it.  And absolute empathy for myself.  This might shock you, but I tend to be a pretty goal oriented person.  I don't take any shit.  I don't make excuses.  And I go for what I want.

But I also get tired.  I run out of bandwidth.  And now seems as good a time as any to take those deep breaths and say, much like I would to anyone else that's struggling to keep it together, "It's ok.  Whatever you are feeling now, it's ok".

It's funny, isn't it, how we have the least amount of patience with ourselves??

I took a little bit of time to just be sad about the whole state of the world.  Then, over the past week or so, I have started to pick up the pieces and to reframe my state of mind.  There might not be races in 2020.  There might not be school until the fall.  There might not be big get togethers.  But there are certain things we really can have - positives to focus on.  The ability to actually spend time with my kids - and to watch them play together and use their imaginations (they are actually getting along.  Amazing what a lack of options does!).  The ability to connect meaningfully with friends 1:1 in a non "in person" manner.  And the ability to set some new goals for 2020 that don't hinge on legit finish lines.

Since it seems my whole "traditional" race season has shifted from 2020 to 2021, it allows me the time to actually do a few things I wouldn't have otherwise.  To work on my bike limiters without working on speed at the same time.  To be flexible with my training schedule and allow it to serve as a stress relief and not as a hard core goal to "do everything fast".  And to "race" in a totally different way.

I've decided to do a few things I've always wanted to do.  First of all, run the year.  That equals 2020 miles, twelve easy installments of 168.33333333 miles, or for those who like to measure the minutiae (guilty), 38.84615384615385 miles per week.  Every year, I've wanted to do this and got sidelined by that whole biking and swimming thing that seems to get in the way of running if I want to actually be a triathlete.  I know.  WTF?

I've signed up for a few virtual races.  I've never done these, but there have been a few lately that I've done or signed up for that have been pretty awesome.

I took part in a 24 hour relay for Rochester Running Company to help keep running going in Rochester.  The idea was that every half hour, there was a virtual baton passed on to keep sneakers on the ground at all times.  Because I am an idiot adventuresome, I signed up for 2am.  What a cool run  What a neat experience! Something I never would have done before.

I also signed up for the "Spring Clean" half marathon.  This was a great idea by one of our local running stores - they charged $20, which went to pay employees that cannot work on-site right now.  They "spring cleaned" their medal and tee shirt inventory and sent out a random medal/tee to every racer.  Then they ran the race over a weekend, you submitted your time, and got entered into the results.  Pretty cool!

My Swag!

While I didn't come close to breaking my PR of 1:40, this was a pretty great run with lack of "race energy" on tired legs and good enough to net an AG win and 5th overall female (whatever that even means when you can't see your "competition").  Even better, it helped keep our local running scene going!


Next up is a dual challenge - I signed up for a 1000k virtual run across Tennessee.  Years ago, while running Mind The Ducks, one of my ultra friends told me all about Vol State, a 500k ultra that 10 hours into a 12 hour race, seemed like a fabulous idea, and we made a pact to do it someday.  (Insert reminder here where I am incredibly influenced by terrible ideas.  I don't apologize for this for one second, as its enriched my life in more ways than one!)

Vol state is no longer, but the creator of the Barkely Marathons (AKA the best terrible idea ever that I WILL DO one day!), Gary Cantrell (aka "Laz")  created the Virtual Run Across Tennessee - you run 1000k in 4 months "across the state".  For this race, you get a shirt, medal, virtual tracker to see your little emoji guy run across the state, and the entry fee goes to "Feed Tennessee", a charity that Laz supports passionately.  All good stuff.  (There's also additional swag if you run back across Tennessee....2000k....but I'm not that crazy.  Maybe.  Um....well, we will see about that.)

Moving on.  The 1000k race runs May 1-August 31, so it seems appropriate to do another challenge starting May 1 - The Dave Goggins challenge.  This one is a great quarantine challenge and also works well to train one for an ultra.  The goal?  4x4x48, or, a 4 mile run every 4 hours for 48 hours.  It's a great test of endurance, f*ck it, and stupidity, all in one!  What more could you ask for??

Of course, that fits me to a tee.  Some of my buddies have done variations - a mini challenge of 5x6x30 or a 100k total for 5.25x4x48.  Whew.  I'm going to stick to the original.  Ideally, this begins Friday afternoon and I finish my last run Sunday.  I plan to document it and share the results early next week, so stay tuned!

Is this nuts?  Yep.  Virtual insanity?  Absolutely.  Jamiroquai always hit the nail on the head, and the concept of "Virtual Insanity" seems not only to apply to my "race goals" but to our current world right now...

And now that things are changing for the worse,
See, its a crazy world we're living in


Futures made of virtual insanity now
Always seem to, be governed by this love we have


Is it what I expected of the year?  Absolutely not.  But somewhere in this whole virtual insanity, I am working to find my grounding.  With the love that I have.  One step at a time. And as I always seem to do, it starts with one step into my running shoes.  Ready, set, GO!


(Note that these ideas are solely my own.  My coach thinks I'm absolutely bananas and I have taken this challenge on as my own.  He has much better, saner ideas as to what to do with my time, but as always, allows me the head space and freedom to go off in my own direction at my discretion.  He rocks).