Boston: More than a Feeling

 Hey y'all! It's been a crazy minute, hasn't it?  Well, I promise I haven't forgotten the blogg-o, but damn.  I'll be real.  It's been a year.  If someone could remind me that joking about a mid life crisis at 35 was a REALLY BAD idea, that would be great.  Cause when 40 hits....it basically says....hold my beer. Yep, it's like that.

But it's a little different this year. Actually, it's much different than 2023.  Here's your 20 second catch up of 2024 - It was alright, it got bad, it got real bad, and now, oddly enough, we are rebounding.  I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.  And boy, is it fucking gorgeous.

The last 18 months have taught me two main things - that life never, ever goes as you plan, and that, at the end of the day - you can either look for the windows, or the brick walls.

Wait, what?  I didn't stutter.  Many of you know I'm a giant book nerd.  Years ago, I read a short story that has always stuck with me....

 It was about two men in hospice - they shared a room, and were bed ridden and could barely lift their heads.  One was in a bed by the door, and the other man that had the bed further away from the door would tell the man by the door about everything going on outside the room through the window he saw.  He would chatter about the sunshine, the kids playing, and the amazing sights.  The man by the door was really bitter about this - he wanted to be able to see this great view.  Eventually, the man that told the stories of outside passed away, and the man by the door waited a few days then asked the nurses if he could move to the vacant bed.  They complied, and the next morning, with great effort, the man lifted his head to look outside and saw....a blank wall.  Confused, he asked the nurse what happened to the window - and the nurse replied - there has never been a window in this room.  And the man, even more confused, spoke about all the sights the man that had died shared with him.  The nurse looked at the man and said....that man that shared all that with you....he was blind. 

Wow.  I've thought about that story quite a bit this year, and it reminds me of two things - that you never know what someone else has going on - and most importantly - if you look for a wall, there will be one.  If you look for a window....you will find one.

And the past few months - have been about windows. I leave for Boston this morning.  I have been dreaming about this race for over a decade - and when I qualified in November 2022 at Philly - I was over the moon. It was a total dream come true.  I had zero idea the trajectory my life would take in the next year and a half. Honestly, in the last 17 months...I have fallen down so many times and wasn't sure I could recover.

I did. I qualified for Kona.  I didn't go.  And after that, I threw all my energy at Boston.  It was a redemption.  It was a rebirth.  And it was...a window.  A badly needed window.  I was SO gonna do this race with the biggest PR ever!

As life would have it, a few months ago, life intervened and plans changed.  Massively. And in midst of all of the mess, I had a choice.  What to do about Boston.  Not going was never a choice - I promised myself that- but my aggressive goal was.  And really, in the last few months...year....I've really stepped back to think about that stuff.  I don't regret a single decision I've made or path I've taken, but when life happens....you can either see the walls or the windows. And you adjust accordingly.   (and for all of you that have Lil John in your head, you're welcome.  Me too)

This time - I saw the window.  And while my training through this mess has been mediocre at best for a

PR, that's honestly not the point.  The point is - to embrace the experience. To be so damned grateful for it.  My travel plans changed once, twice, three times - and I am now going with two amazing people that have picked me up, pointed me in the right direction, and are taking care of every. single. detail.  I just have to pay my way and show up...and run.  They both know Boston and are taking this rookie under their wing.  There will be insanity.  There will be beer.  There will be laughing.  It's a dumpster fire.  And its the perfect way to do Boston.

I ditched my running singlet and with the help of the people I love best - will be running with all your names on my shirt.  I threw out my playlist and took in suggestions from the best people that flooded me with songs that mean something to them.  I listened to every single one and I felt all the emotions that they were sent with them.  Thank you. Truly.  I know I have a piece of your heart. I already love everything about this race - and I'm not even there yet!

I'm sure I'll get even sappier as I toe the line at Hopkinton and see Boylston.  As I see the iconic start and toe the line with the world's best.  Its a dream come true.

But it's not about that.  Its about the last year and a half and all of those angels that got me there.  Its about those people that you meet on your path.  When you fall, and they pick you up.  When they look at you and say - or prove - they got you.  And even though the last year and a half has been absolutely mind boggling - I am one of the luckiest people in the world.  And I wake up every day knowing it - seeing those windows. Of  all of the exciting things that are ahead.  And being so fucking grateful for all of you.

I can't even name everyone, but I'm gonna try.  To the French fry gang - QVC, Those People, Swimmer Dude and Ham Bro.  You guys picked me up when I needed it most, and I will never forget it.  Ever.  8 minutes.  To Mean Dude - dude, I'm sorry I gave you that name - but for the last 16 months, you have done nothing but believe the best in me - and I cannot wait to do you proud.  To Zeus - you got me started.  And I'll never forget it. To my Renegade - five years ago, it was about piggy backs.  And you still carry me as one of the best friends I could ask for.   To Ken - you are my best bad decision maker.  I'll get back to you about November.  And every other amazing bad choice we have made!!  To my Y swim crew - Bear, Cat Woman, Kris, Mike, and my favorite speedo boys - you guys are the best.  I still can't swim but thank goodness we don't need to do that Monday - save a spot for me in the hot tub next week!!  To 1:20 - Thanks for believing in me when I didn't - and I can't wait for those "recovery runs" when I get back!  To cruise - You're ok.  And when life hands me lemons, I am so glad I have a lemon tree!!  To my dumpster crew - you helped me qualify and you've put up with my shit ever since.  And I'll never forget it.  

To my amaazing kiddos - Rob and Biz - you always are so great about when Mom runs, and I LOVE our buddy runs and Mom and me recovery - whether its the boots, a bubble bath, or ice cream!  And as always, to my rocket booster.  It's not what I thought it would be.  Far from it.  But at the end of the day - you still are there for me, and you always will be.  It just looks a little different than we thought.  But it's still our adventure.

To the many friends I haven't named but have checked on me, tossed a joke my way, run miles with me, or in some way shown your love - I haven't forgotten it.  And I never, ever will. 

Thank you all.  You have no idea.  But you have my love, and my heart, and I'm gonna go do BOSTON STRONG on Monday for every single one of you!!  Bib is 18486 - Boston.  April 15th.  10:52 start time.  LETS GO!!!!

2023 Year In Review: Stand

I'm a little late to this one - but with the way 2023 shook out, we needed to make sure of a few things - first, that the damned year actually ended, and then, to take a few deep breaths to process it.  

Maybe more than a few.  I think its de rigeur to look back at the past year and think - wow.  What the hell.  I know I did it looking back at 2022, and as I look back at that year, I had some amazing highs and lows that I thought 2023 couldn't even come close to the magnitude of.

Hold my beer, said 2023.  And as I read through my recap of 2022, at the lessons learned, I smiled, teared up and thought - if only you knew what the next year would bring.  If only - you knew.  The lines I penned one year ago: 

Going into 2023, I've reminded myself to keep my head up, and my mind open - as you absolutely never know who or what is going to make a difference in your life. Or what that might look like.

That was so damned spot on, I never would have guessed.  There are some people that I grew with from 2022.  Some that I left in 2022.  Some of them that left last year - came back.  And some in full force - ones I never expected.  And some people that showed up in 2023 that I never would have imagined have found a deep spot in my heart. You just never know what path your life is going to take.

And this year,  the people that showed up in my life - saved it.  2023, without a doubt, has been the wildest ride I have ever been on - I accomplished things I never dreamed I would, and was brought to the lowest of lows by life at the same time.  There have been many days where I wasn't sure I was going to make it, to be honest.  By by the grace of some amazing people, and a sheer stubborn will, I did.  And when I look back - this was a year of growth.  A year of pain and tears.  And a year to realize that I am so much stronger than I ever could have imagined.  

And as always, there were lessons.  Lessons that I never thought I would have to face.  In 2023 I learned...

You can't have it all.  This was such a hard lesson to learn.  Five years ago, I sat down and made a choice. I didn't like where I was at in life with respect to sport, or, quite honestly, how I saw myself.  I had just finished Ironman Lake Placid and was disenchanted with triathlon and my general fear of everything.  It was bad.  So I sat down and made some intentions for 2019 - big, scary goals if you will.  For the past four years, I've gone out of my comfort zone, put myself in situations I had no business being in with respect to racing and training partners (that's my perspective) and as a whole, adapted the "Why not" mentality.  As in - fuck it - lets give this a shot.  And done so, without barriers or reservations.

It's gotten me to places I've never dreamed.  This year alone, I qualified for Kona, Taupo (World's 70.3) and another Boston Qualifier for 2025.  I've had so many amazing people help me along the way - friends, awesome coaches, and teammates.  I never would have expected any of it.  And the trip has been amazing. Incredibly hard, but absolutely, mind-blowingly, amazing. 

And while 2023 was another year of epic feats, I learned a really hard lesson - that you can't have it all.  That the balancing act I tri - ed for (See what I did there, and now the blog makes sense) epically failed.  Because you can't always keep the balance.  And riding high on athletic success cost me dearly this year, even though I went at it with the best of intentions - and with the best idea of how to balance it all.  

Everything in life is about he delicate pendulum (oh, the irony).  There is a season, turn, turn turn.  And while I can't regret the choices I made at the time, if I could go back, I might do it differently. But I can't.  So I'll write the next part of the story a different way, with what I've learned.  I'm still excited for Boston 2024 - don't get me wrong. That is going to be one. epic. day.  But I've had to really take a look at how I'm choosing to do things with the resources I have - be it time, money, relationships, mental health, you name it.

What You see on the Outside...is not the full picture.  I know everyone was shocked when I opted out of racing Kona - and the love from my support crew.....was real. Of supporters I didn't even know I had.  One of the things I heard over and over again was - you seem to have all your shit together.  We had no idea.  And bythe way..... we....don't either.  September, October and November flattened me.  Flattened.  There were so many days when I doubted that I would make it to the next one.  But an odd thing happened during this low time - people that I never thought would be part of my story - became part of my story. And I became part of theirs.  Whether it was sharing their own struggles or showing their support to me during my darkest days in ways I never imagined, I was able to see sides of people that I never knew existed.  And find solace.  And at the same time - be honest and real about the parts of me that people don't see every day.  It's with that kind of grace that I know that no matter what 2024 brings - it will be okay.  And the people that saw me....and allowed me to see the real, vulnerable parts of them - will be okay. We are in this together. 

Everything and Everyone Happens for a Reason.  This lesson tends to follow me from year to year, and I always leave it in - because its such a double edged sword.  There are things that happened this year that were absolutely amazing - people that came back into my life, new people that showed up along the way, and events I never dreamed would be a reality.  Sitting at the awards banquet at Ironman Texas and hearing my name called for a Kona slot was - indescribable.  Wearing the lei put on my by Ironman deeming me eligible to compete at that world level on Ironman's biggest stage......unbelieveable.  I will never forget it.  And while life had a different plan in mind for the actual event - I know, in my heart of hearts, that I will qualify again.  And when I do, it will be right.  But the journey - was indescribable.  And the same thing with the people I've met along the way this year.  Some of them left - some are in a much different capacity than I ever thought they would be.  It's been really hard, embracing the change and knowing what I can and can not control.  But that leads me to my last lesson....

You are stronger than you think. I always knew I was stubborn.  And that I had a lot of will.  But never until this year did I know....what I'm made of.  And how very damned much I can handle.  Whether its a 5am swim, a 7 hour brick, a sprint to max for the last two miles of a 140.6.....or picking myself up off the ground after life flattened me..... again....I got back up.  Every. Time.  And I know, going into 2024, that no matter what life throws at me, I can do this.  

Back in 2008, when I toed the line of my first Half Ironman (Musselman!), I found solace in a song that re-played in my head for the next 6 and a half hours.  I was still relatively new to the sport, and the idea that I was playing at being an athlete - let alone an event with the word "Iron" in it - was absolutely unfathomable.  As I swam, rode and ran, the words of a Rascal Flatts song played in my head....

When push comes to shove, you taste what you're made of,

You might bend till you break

Cause its all you can take

On your knees, you look up, decide you've had enough

You get mad, you get strong, wipe your hands, shake it off, 

Then You Stand. 

Fifteen years later - it still holds true.  And with 2023 behind me, I can't be thankful enough.  For the lessons, for the perseverance, for the friends.  For those amazing people - my QVC, Dumpster, Safety Tights and Older Sister.  For PC and the Bear.  For Cruise, for Will, for Too Tall.  For my Ham Bro.  And for Mean Dude, Renegade and Zeus.  (Does anyone have a real name any more??)  There are so many more.  But I will never, ever forget what you did for me this year.  And as we go into 2024, I can only hope that I can be there for these wonderful angels even a fraction of how much they helped me in 2023.  

Over and out, 2023.  And on to 2024 - to a new year full of adventure, friendships, and love. A year to knock my socks off.   Let's do this!