Walk of Life: 2022 in review

2022.  What a freaking year.  Before I move into 2023 and find new ways to fuck up my life kick some ass,  I figured it would be a good time to revisit 2022 - to look at the things I learned along the way, what I want to bring into the New Year and ….what needs to be left behind.

Its a mixed bag, folks - 2022 was such a big year for me.  I look back at the past 12 months and I can't even believe what has gone down - If I would have pulled 2018 Rae aside and told her what was to come...she would have never believed it. Hell, if I would have pulled 2021 Rae aside, she wouldn't have believed it!

It makes 2023 so exciting.  I cannot wait to get started on next year an all of the great things I have to look forward to - but with the successes of 2022, came some giant epic failures, some "learning experiences" and a desire to change it up some going forward.  And that's about right - we can't get better without learning some hard lessons along the way.  I've done my best to speak freely about these - I don't think I've addressed "areas of growth" so honestly in quite some time, or ever freely addressed where I have struggled during this epic ride of life.  And while that hard stuff was not the things dreams were made of - it's shaped me and given me an arsenal of tools to make me a better person - and athlete - in the upcoming year.  

It's funny how sport and life can so closely follow each other, isn't it?  I always thought my blog was rather one dimensional, but I've heard from the readers that aren't athletes (fine, its my dad) that they find it interesting and applicable too.  Whether it's because I am for an honest assessment of how we are all treading water in life right now (damn, I did it again), or you just find my stories ridiculous and somewhat relatable, I'm here for you, guys.  I usually don't get it right the first hundred times I try, but boy, am I not a quitter.  So with that, I leave you with the lessons that 2022 has taught me:

Lead with your heart and your head, but listen to your gut.  

Man, this is one I still struggle with, albeit making progress.  A few years back, my be all mantra of
"doing scary shit" seemed so profound.  To just take the leap.  To be afraid but do it anyways.  And to go after what seems impossible.  I still like this theory, but I have learned without a doubt, to pay attention to those red flags. They are pretty... but man, they are there for a reason.  And even though saying "no" can be a struggle for someone that likes to give everything a shot, sometimes it really is the best choice.  Or at least.....leading a little bit more cautiously before throwing your whole self into what could be a painful mistake. 

While I'm not averse to a "screw it, you only live once" race, adventure, encounter, or a workout with people I "have no business with", I have learned that some of the choices I make really are bad decisions with consequences.  Such is life, right?  You live and you learn.  I made a few poor choices post Ironman that I paid for, and on the flip side, a few fall season decisions that were not easy at the time but yielded some pretty epic shit.  Sometimes I fell flat on my face, and I still have the visible....and invisible scars...to prove it.  Sometimes....big scary things are just not that great of an idea, and you need to know in your gut when to take that gamble and when not to, or when to put one toe in the water and watch for the signs that this year....I only saw in hindsight.   And as I go into 2023, I'm giving my gut a little more leeway (no, that was not a euphemism for Christmas cookies.  But....in every jest is some truth!)

Everyone Can Teach You Something

Even if you aren't sure what it is at the time.  This one still rings true to me years later. Embrace it and take care to listen to what the lesson is, even if it isn't obvious at the beginning and know.... when the lesson is learned.  I always think back to my key triathlon moment in the pool at the Y four years ago- but since that moment, there have been so many people in my life that have taught me something about how to look at life, who I want to be, or in general, just to be better at something - whether its physical, mental or emotional in nature.  Some of those people have stayed in my life, some of them have not, but they all have left an imprint on who I am and how I do things - which I am grateful for. 

And I will always be grateful, even if at the time, the lesson was painful...because at the time, it was worth it. I don't regret anything that happened this year.   Passion, Resilience, Endurance, determination.....how to laugh, have fun....all of it.  And in turn with this one, I've also learned that while you can have a hand in the beginning, you might not always have a choice on how it ends - which was a really hard lesson to learn.   But necessary nonetheless - it's possible that some people come into your life until you've learned the lesson, and then they leave.  I lost two major people this year that I never saw coming, as well as some newer friendships that I thought were going to last longer.  It hurt. A lot.  I never thought I would learn how to walk away, but I did.  Going into 2023, I've reminded myself to keep my head up, and my mind open - as you absolutely never know who or what is going to make a difference in your life. Or what that might look like. 

The only constant is....change. But...it can change back.  Wild. 

Off of the endings in your life are the people...that come back.  One year ago I could have written the exact same post with the lesson above about people moving out of my life - and I would have bet you a million dollars that they never would never come back.  I was...so wrong.  Some of the things that caused me tears in 2021 or even early 2022 turned right back around and those people are back in my life and in a much better capacity. It blows my mind.  One of them turned from what I might have called a mistake into a true ride or die and I never would have predicted that.  I've learned never to assign finality to anything - much like me, everyone is on a journey in life that takes them different places and through different emotions and experiences.  You never know what someone is going through, so if its not working out now, leaving the situation with the best of intentions to protect yourself is wise...but....life is full of surprises.  I've learned to smile at the past for the amazing experiences I have had, to read the room for what the present is and enjoy it as its happening, and to leave a situation with grace when needed.  But always....to leave that door open.  Never say never. 

There will ALWAYS be Trains 

I really can't express this (I KNOW, cringe) any other way.  Even though it was not funny at the time, both my 70.3 races this year....had trains.  For Musselman, it was on the run, and Barrelman, the bike.  Both times I lost momentum and time and had to make a quick assessment with regard to the "problem" and how to fix it on the fly.  And in life....there will ALWAYS be trains.  I've raced over a hundred triathlons in 17 years and have never encountered a train, so even with all my train....ing....(OMG why do you people read this crap) I was not equipped to handle it on race day.  I took a deep breath, assessed the situation, removed the emotion, and dealt with it as best I could.  For Musselman, I stopped my watch, peed, and drank water.  For Barrelman, I stopped my watch, swore, and took in a gu.  Both times, I took a second to feel the frustration, handled it as best I could at the time, and moved on.  And that's life.  I made a few good decisions - since Barrelman was NOT equipped to handle the train, my Garmin time was key to an AG placement and overall time adjustment.  I made a few bad decisions - peeing during the run....was not the smartest choice (I know guys, I'm gross.  But I'm honest)

  In both cases, I moved right on after the train and did not look back to second guess myself.  And that's life.  There have been a few knock me on my butt trains I never saw coming this year - and you take a deep breath, give yourself some time to feel what you need to feel, address it, and move on.  And don't ruminate on it.  You made the best choice at the time and it was totally out of your control. 

The Lows Make the Highs Even Higher

You can't appreciate success without failure.  This one's pretty darned elementary, but to be honest...I left it here because I needed to remind myself of this one.  A lot.  When I look back on the year, I tend to remember 3 months in particular - June, August and November.  Those 3 months were the absolute best this year had to offer - a huge PR for Ironman in June, Boston Qualifying in November, and August....well, August was just full of the best things life had to offer.  There were get togethers, local races, amazing times with friends, and more laughs and smiles than I could have ever imagined. It probably was my favorite month, full of the little things that are the big things - funny how that works out, isn't it? 

There were also struggles in each one of those months....a wicked bout of poison ivy that led to a crazy prednisone induced few weeks. in August, a pre-race work melt down in June, and oh man...November....well, pre race featured a few family emergencies that are still unresolved, and post race, a  week of being ridiculously sick and two family members in the hospital, along with the requisite post season melt down.  But when I look back....I'll remember the highs and be grateful for all the amazing moments those months had to offer, even if there were the not so great moments mixed in. 

 It always reminds me of when I first had a kid....someone told me to remember that with each rough spot, comes something amazing.  In the beginning, you might not sleep, but they fit right on your chest and snuggle into you.  Right now....both kids are so needy with everything but they want me and I am "the bestest mom ever".  I'm still tired.  One day I will sleep, and then they won't want to be around me.  The trick is....to appreciate and soak in all the good parts while working your way through the tough spots.  And that's life in a nutshell (thank you for coming to my ted talk).

Maybe when you look back it does make sense, even if it doesn't now. 

Holy shit was this a big one for me this year.  I had to laugh at myself, because I remember spending valuable time last year worrying about shit that...I didn't need to worry about.  And if I could have tapped myself on the shoulder a la Julie Nolke and said "Hey - dipshit - stop worrying about this - its gonna be okay.  Or, it isn't - and you're gonna deal with it and move the hell on with your life - stop wasting your time worrying about it " We all could use a future self to let us know what's a big deal and what isn't, and to give you a heads up as to who and what are worth fretting about, and who and what is not.  And even if we don't know why things are happening at the time, there is usually a reason for it at the end.  We just don't know it yet.  I learned this one mostly off the race course this year - endings at work, with friends, and family members.  Some of them I understand now, some I still don't and maybe I won't for quite some time.  But that's life. We are all just doing our best trying to figure it out.  I've always taught my kids to remember that people are doing the best with what they have, and that's really all you can ask for - to show up every day, do your best, and trust in the fact that it will all make sense someday.

And with these lessons guiding me, I cannot wait to start 2023 and make it the best year ever.  I'd be remiss if I didn't thank all the people that made 2022 one of the best years of my life - I can't even do justice to naming everyone, but you know who you are.  To my dumpster fire runners.  To my bomb cyclone heat advisory bad decision race buddy.  To the "Sounds Awful What Time" man - what a freaking race!  To the Scotts - you guys made me laugh and helped me NOT to drown! To the fellow runner aptly named "bad decisions".  To Tacos - Between race signs and wild rides, you made it fun and forever changed the way I look at so many things. To the tri fam - even though we look a little different, you guys are the best. To Zues - you are a pain in my ass but I love you with everything I have.  To the Norseman - you have no idea how damned much you inspired me this year on the race course - I can never express how much I appreciate it (even if you still owe me).  To all the runny friends, bikey friends and swimmy friends that shared miles with me this year - thank you for the amazing times and I can't wait to do it again!  To Cruise....you are my 3am.  To Miami Vice and all the big brotherly advice.  To my awesome family and friends that are family that encouraged everything I did this year - I love you guys so much.  And to Monsta - for more than you'll ever know.  And I can ever express.

On to 2023 - the year of Raising Up!!!  Let's get it started!