Sorry guys. Some day I will break the love for Imagine Dragons. Today is not that day. I actually had an Eagles song title all picked out for this blog post, then as I started writing it, "Rise Up" came on spotify, and I paused for a moment and just listened to the lyrics and they 100% fit the bill.
"I was there but I was always leaving
I've been living but I was never breathing
The more I stray the less I fear"
So, I spent two days on the road for work this week, presenting and exhibiting at a National Conference in Buffalo, and meeting with high level county executives in southwest NY for new partnerships with the program I co-direct. The work was a smashing success, the trip long and somewhat draining, but with 7 hours in the car over two days alone, I got to do something I haven't in awhile.
To stop. And listen. And think. Aside from pointing the car in the right direction and paying attention to where you are going, there isn't much to driving except staying awake (which was a little bit harder on day two!). I usually load up the car time with conference calls with my team or other agencies we work with, but this time I decided to load up my ipod and just zone out and think.
It was pretty dangerous stuff.
I realized that I've been running around at a zillion miles an hour lately, trying to fit it all in, and doing none of it really well. I've laid down all these big, scary goals and zoomed from one to another, either achieving them or not, and if its the latter, I've taken about .3 seconds before I re up and give em another go. We all know I'm a little Type A and can't handle not pursuing something I want with all the energy I can muster.
But the problem is, there is no down time. No time to rest and reflect. Its been such a whirlwind lately that I find myself moving from spot A to spot B with the grace and fluidity of a well trained robot - that is, no grace and fluidity at all. There are certain things I can't really control - like being a mom and all the basic "adulting" stuff that I have to do, which is fine. Then add in the training, which has become way more intense this year in terms of time and effort, but I still love it. Add in work, which has been one big stress ball, and a few family issues, and its gone bust for me.
There's the good stress - see above - I am totally in love with training this year - I've had three huge PR's in 6 weeks, and I am incredibly amped about that. I've also made some great new friends this year because of that training, and I am incredibly happy about those new connections, which, even though it's introduced some drama into my life, has been way worth it and admittedly enteratining from time to time.
Then there's all that other stuff. And I find myself even stressing about the good stuff - whether its an escape mechanism from the bad stuff (running to de stress), or the overwhelming desire to achieve all the things...that I can admit I'm totally burned out about it. It's become completely overwhelming and gotten in the way of the path I thought I could see for myself....completely cluttered with "to dos" that have no way of possibly being accomplished, whether its another damn marathon training plan or finding a time to set up that estimate for the roof over. And when that happens, you look at your "to do" list that somehow has 45 things on it for this day alone- and you just give up. You lose your momentum and foresight to accomplish anything. And end up on the couch eating oreos and accomplishing nothing (not that I've done that. Ever).
Ive been spinning out with this lately and not doing a darn thing to help myself in any way - dealing with it in a very reactive kind of way. Sign up for another race. Hit that training every day. Take on a new work project. Do the school function. Grocery shop, laundry, bills, parenting - complete with at least 3 nighttime wake ups and a freak out because we spilled juice on our favorite pants. Get it done. On 4 hours sleep. Now. And even when I'm exhausted, I wake up at 3am in a panic, unable to calm myself and focus with all the mind clutter.
The other day, while travelling for work, I had the opportunity to pull off the side of the road and just stop. To enjoy the beauty of nature at its simplest. I stood there for a few minutes, completely unaware of anything else around me but the dance of the wildlife. There were three geese hanging out in a pond, squabbling over god knows what. They flapped around and squawked, and then as suddenly as their feathers were ruffled, they settled back in and glided in perfect formation down the water. And as they swam by, I watched the water ripple up the banks and seamlessly flow to the shore.
For some reason, this really affected me - the wild dance of controversy in nature and a return to equilibrium. As I made my way back to my own crazy dance of life, I thought about the importance of stopping and "smelling the flowers", or "watching the geese", and realized that I really needed to make the time to step back and enjoy. To realize that I don't have to do all the things, or fix all the things, or achieve all the things ALL of the time.
I was talking to a friend the other day about life in general, and how we were both really overwhelmed with "adulting". Of things breaking in our houses. Of random unexpected bills. Of the stresses and worries we had about the things that were most important in life. And as we ruminated and shared our worries, he started to talk about how maybe 2019 just wasn't our year. That maybe their were already things in play in early May that made it so that all the effort we were putting in just wasn't going to happen the way we wanted it to. And that maybe we needed to re-assess our goals or realize that we might not fulfill our dreams right now. As a friend, I completely sympathized and did what a friend needed to do - I kicked his butt and reminded him (and myself in the process) that if we wait for perfect conditions, we will never get anything done. And how easy it is to line up reasons why not rather than just taking that one step to getting what you want, even if its taking the time to get your mind right to figure out what that even is.
For now, that's where I'm at. I still have every intention of kicking some butt this year, and going and getting those scary goals. But perhaps with a little more purpose. A little more clarity. A little more time to think. And I little less fear of "straying" off the path as I go for them, even if it seems counter productive to do so.
Time to dive in. But tomorrow. Today, I think I'll stop for a few minutes and do some bird watching.
"I was there but I was always leaving
I've been living but I was never breathing
The more I stray the less I fear"
So, I spent two days on the road for work this week, presenting and exhibiting at a National Conference in Buffalo, and meeting with high level county executives in southwest NY for new partnerships with the program I co-direct. The work was a smashing success, the trip long and somewhat draining, but with 7 hours in the car over two days alone, I got to do something I haven't in awhile.
To stop. And listen. And think. Aside from pointing the car in the right direction and paying attention to where you are going, there isn't much to driving except staying awake (which was a little bit harder on day two!). I usually load up the car time with conference calls with my team or other agencies we work with, but this time I decided to load up my ipod and just zone out and think.
It was pretty dangerous stuff.
I realized that I've been running around at a zillion miles an hour lately, trying to fit it all in, and doing none of it really well. I've laid down all these big, scary goals and zoomed from one to another, either achieving them or not, and if its the latter, I've taken about .3 seconds before I re up and give em another go. We all know I'm a little Type A and can't handle not pursuing something I want with all the energy I can muster.
But the problem is, there is no down time. No time to rest and reflect. Its been such a whirlwind lately that I find myself moving from spot A to spot B with the grace and fluidity of a well trained robot - that is, no grace and fluidity at all. There are certain things I can't really control - like being a mom and all the basic "adulting" stuff that I have to do, which is fine. Then add in the training, which has become way more intense this year in terms of time and effort, but I still love it. Add in work, which has been one big stress ball, and a few family issues, and its gone bust for me.
There's the good stress - see above - I am totally in love with training this year - I've had three huge PR's in 6 weeks, and I am incredibly amped about that. I've also made some great new friends this year because of that training, and I am incredibly happy about those new connections, which, even though it's introduced some drama into my life, has been way worth it and admittedly enteratining from time to time.
Then there's all that other stuff. And I find myself even stressing about the good stuff - whether its an escape mechanism from the bad stuff (running to de stress), or the overwhelming desire to achieve all the things...that I can admit I'm totally burned out about it. It's become completely overwhelming and gotten in the way of the path I thought I could see for myself....completely cluttered with "to dos" that have no way of possibly being accomplished, whether its another damn marathon training plan or finding a time to set up that estimate for the roof over. And when that happens, you look at your "to do" list that somehow has 45 things on it for this day alone- and you just give up. You lose your momentum and foresight to accomplish anything. And end up on the couch eating oreos and accomplishing nothing (not that I've done that. Ever).
Ive been spinning out with this lately and not doing a darn thing to help myself in any way - dealing with it in a very reactive kind of way. Sign up for another race. Hit that training every day. Take on a new work project. Do the school function. Grocery shop, laundry, bills, parenting - complete with at least 3 nighttime wake ups and a freak out because we spilled juice on our favorite pants. Get it done. On 4 hours sleep. Now. And even when I'm exhausted, I wake up at 3am in a panic, unable to calm myself and focus with all the mind clutter.
The other day, while travelling for work, I had the opportunity to pull off the side of the road and just stop. To enjoy the beauty of nature at its simplest. I stood there for a few minutes, completely unaware of anything else around me but the dance of the wildlife. There were three geese hanging out in a pond, squabbling over god knows what. They flapped around and squawked, and then as suddenly as their feathers were ruffled, they settled back in and glided in perfect formation down the water. And as they swam by, I watched the water ripple up the banks and seamlessly flow to the shore.
For some reason, this really affected me - the wild dance of controversy in nature and a return to equilibrium. As I made my way back to my own crazy dance of life, I thought about the importance of stopping and "smelling the flowers", or "watching the geese", and realized that I really needed to make the time to step back and enjoy. To realize that I don't have to do all the things, or fix all the things, or achieve all the things ALL of the time.
I was talking to a friend the other day about life in general, and how we were both really overwhelmed with "adulting". Of things breaking in our houses. Of random unexpected bills. Of the stresses and worries we had about the things that were most important in life. And as we ruminated and shared our worries, he started to talk about how maybe 2019 just wasn't our year. That maybe their were already things in play in early May that made it so that all the effort we were putting in just wasn't going to happen the way we wanted it to. And that maybe we needed to re-assess our goals or realize that we might not fulfill our dreams right now. As a friend, I completely sympathized and did what a friend needed to do - I kicked his butt and reminded him (and myself in the process) that if we wait for perfect conditions, we will never get anything done. And how easy it is to line up reasons why not rather than just taking that one step to getting what you want, even if its taking the time to get your mind right to figure out what that even is.
For now, that's where I'm at. I still have every intention of kicking some butt this year, and going and getting those scary goals. But perhaps with a little more purpose. A little more clarity. A little more time to think. And I little less fear of "straying" off the path as I go for them, even if it seems counter productive to do so.
Time to dive in. But tomorrow. Today, I think I'll stop for a few minutes and do some bird watching.
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