Whatever it Takes

OK, so clearly, I'm a little obsessed with the new Imagine Dragons CD.  There are worse things.  Greg actually turned me on to this song first, which is truly a perfect running song, then it all sort of fell in place from there.  It's not often I take to a whole CD, so good job, Dan Reynolds.
Much respect.

It's about time to do the whole shit sandwich compliment shtick, so hang on to your handbags, ladies.  Pre CFC, I used to work at a battered women's shelter, straight out of college.  It was touchy feely, burn out work, with little pay and many returns.  I'm not sorry I left, for many reasons, but it really laid a foundation for the work that I do now and in some ways how I live my life.  First of all, I've never appreciated my life full of first world problems until I worked with the women in the shelter.  Heart breaking.  Second, I've never appreciated the men in my life quite so much.  Third, and oddly enough, I picked up on quite a few work etiquette and supervisory lessons while there, which is only odd because the woman that supervised me, quite frankly, hated anyone not African American or with anything higher then a high school education.  And no, that was not in my head.  She did teach me two things though, that I carry to this day - 1. Don't ever bring a problem to someone that you haven't at least considered a feasible solution to (something I torment my employees with to this day) and 2. If you're gonna hand someone a shit sandwich, at least use good bread.  In other words, may sure you buffer that shit with something edible.

So here's my edible.  And I am remiss in the fact that I didn't start with this post, so sorry Carolyn, wherever you are!

While I was busy poo pooing my sad little circumstances (see what I did there?) I neglected to even mention the good.  And there IS quite a bit of good.  Sometimes you just have to dust off the crap (fine, I'll stop) to really see it.  Sometimes it's just harder to recognize.

Truth.

It's always easy to react to toxic people. To internalize their negativity and let it affect you.

But how often do we really, truly believe those that build us up?  Almost never.  And it's really easy for me to brush off the kind words of the people that do believe in me.  I have the best husband, who listens to my tales of woe and tells me to either get the eff over it, or to get the eff over them (after hugging me and handing me chocolate, of course).  I have a pretty stellar circle of friends that also listen to my BS and help walk me through the problem, in general reminding me that haters gonna hate (in PC terms).  I have a pretty excellent family that also bends over backwards to surround me with love. I also have an awesome team of co-workers, that, even though far away, know how to make me laugh and get through the day.  All wonderful people.

So why is it so easy to listen to the negative?  I don't know.  But I'm done with letting salty people get to me, as much as I can, at the very least.  Baz Lurhmann, childhood icon for pithy phrases, said it best "Remember compliments you receive.  Forget the insults.  If you succeed in doing this, tell me how". Well, probably someone said it before he did.  But back in 1999, we all thought he was a genius song writer that said everything that every world wise seventeen year old needed to hear.  And I guess it somehow, someway, it stuck, right?


So, it's time to move on, folks,  Just do it.  Whatever it takes.  To climb out of that hole and "take me to the top".  Gotta love song inspo. ( I know you just you tubed the song.  You're welcome.)

And, as my buddy Dan might have intended, that song really is a runner's love.  I burned it on my running play list Friday night for the Walworth 5k, a little race Greg and I run every year that coincided with his birthday this year. Yesterday, on a humid as mofo morning, of course.  I'm not going to bore anyone with a full race report, but I managed to shave 30 seconds off my time for a respectable 24:12 on a hilly as hell course, 3rd OA woman and a nice age group win.  GOOD THINGS.  Remember the good things.

Then I came home and promptly signed up for a marathon.  Because, adrenaline.  I'll be racing the Northern Ohio Marathon on October 1, a tribute to saying adios to my early thirties and the 30-34 age group the day before my birthday.  It'll be epic.  Can i break 4 again?  Stay tuned.  The pressure is on,  To train.  And ya know, actually write about it :-P

Walking the Wire

Life.  It's such a  balancing act, isn't it? Imagine Dragons said it best.

 I remember being sixteen years old, when life stood before me, unabashedly making plans for how I was going to take over the world.  Mind you, in my naive teenage mind, that consisted of besting my parents, getting my own way, telling my teachers to take a number, and doing what I wanted to.  Finally.

Eighteen years later, I realize that this whole "adulting" thing has larger ramifications than choosing to eat pop tarts and diet coke for breakfast (which are delicious, but you pay for it later).  And so it goes.  All of those wonderful things that were going to be mine for the taking...they have consequences.  And not exactly in the way I had thought it might.

For those wonderful friends that have followed me with any sense of regularity (what's that Rae, you never blog), you know I've been struggling lately.  Which, to be frank, has baffled me.  When I look back at my sixteen year old self, I see a teenager that took life by the horns.  That didn't give a shit what anyone thought.  That loved a boy with all her heart (even if he didn't know who she was).  Who had the best gang of six buddies who not only totally got her, but would beat the shit out of any guy that messed with her (all my "older brothers", if you will).  Who knew who she was, without reservation.

Who also dreamed of big things.  A great career, a beautiful family, two kids, a white picket fence, a funny, handsome and loving husband.  And undoubtedly a famous thespian or dancer.

Things change.  But not too much.  As I hit my mid thirties, I realize that I have everything I want right now, swapping out marathon for dance, triathlon for theatre.  I have such beautiful kids.  And my husband is undoubtedly the most perfect man for me.  I have a great career. A wonderful family.  Friends. And a basement full of Age Group medals that confirm that I am an athletic success - healthy, happy, and successful.  Everything but that picket fence.

So what's wrong?  Why am I mechanically attending to things?  Checking it off my list?  Missing the passion that I know my teenage self would be horrified to find missing?  I wanted to find out.  With the last few months a hectic and frustrating mish mosh of increasing stress at work, holding down the fort while Greg worked two jobs, and some health issues that are probably due to the first two, I have found myself becoming more and more annoyed with everything around me.  I am not a happy person to be around.  I've dusted off my resume and considered strongly the possibility of leaving a job I've loved for the last ten years.  I've even sat down and reconsidered base things that I am passionate about that don't seem to be so amazing any more.

With that, I knew I needed a reset.  I took the week off from work, and have re-connected.  With my kids.  With my husband.  And mostly, with myself.  Through some long, forgiving runs, a few naps, a pedicure, and even (gasp) retail therapy (yes, I went shopping for things other than running shoes.  If nothing else shocks you in this post, this should).  And I have thought.  And thought.  And thought some more.

And I've realized quite a bit.  Put simply, I've managed to let other people affect me way too much lately.  Energy vampires, if you will.  And I'm disgusted with myself for it.  I've listened when people criticize the way I parent. The way I work. The way I eat. The way I run.  The way I write.  And, no, I am not kidding, the way I send emails.  What in the actual eff is that all about?  I know.  I've sat there and taken a bunch of crap from people that are 100% pot calling the kettle black, and I've stewed in my own juices about it until I have emerged a bitter, resentful person.  Who not only took in their unnecessary, and not helpful words, but allowed them to define me.  And that's just sad.

When I was a kid, the famous phrase quite a few authority figures used on me was "Do as I say, not as I do".  Which we all know is just a shitty way to let an adult explain away bad behavior without feeling any of the consequences because, ya know, adulting, man.  When I became a parent and a boss, I swore I would never project that image to anyone that answered to me.  It creates an environment that fosters forced discipline, but never will foster respect or a good relationship.  Ever.

I managed to walk away from those "do as I say"  people for so long.  And now I find myself seeing it almost on a daily basis, either at work or in certain social circles.  And, much like a kid going through adolescence, it's set me back into a world of uncertainty, of faint dissatisfaction that festers, and lingers.

It's easy to point a finger.  To place the blame on someone else.  To let their insecurities and bad nature leech onto you and define you.  But I'm done with that.

The way I have been has been...safe.  Full of defined, easy actions that have been set forth by society and deemed appropriate.  Pay your bills.  Put in your forty hours. Do the laundry. Give the kids a bath.  Run for exactly the 60 minutes to fulfill your "10,000 steps".  Yada yada yada.  They are also boring.  And my sixteen year old self shakes her head at me.  So does my twenty five year old self, who stared at Mirror Lake in 2010, the morning her her first ironman, 3000 people strong, facing 140.6 miles of uncertainty and....jumped in.

Know what happened in 2010?  I crashed.  Yep.  Crashed my bike at mile 42.6.  I cried for 2 minutes, stood up, took inventory of body and bike parts, and rode the last 80 miles of that course with a bent frame.  And then ran the 26.2 mile marathon dirt streaked and bloody.  And I fucking finished with a smile on my face, having taken my own world by storm.

Take risks.  Be alive.  Be uncomfortable. Just DO IT.

This is my new mantra.  (With some help from Nike).

So look out down below!

Fantastic Four

Ok, I'm back.  You knew I would be.  But today, it's not about me (thank goodness, Rae, you're such a narcissist!).  It's about a boy.  Specifically, this boy that has my heart.  And always will.  He's funny.  He's a snuggle.  He gives the best hugs ever, and he likes chocolate the best (who doesn't?)  And, you got it, he calls me mom.

I can't call him a baby anymore cause...today he is 4!  What a kid.  It's wild to know that four years ago, this lil firecracker made an appearance, and that life has changed forever in the best way possible.  Today, we are celebrating with lots of cake, swinging (put together by the best team ever - Thanks EJ, Jeff, John, Drew, and Daddy!) and a Red Wings Game later.  What a day.  What a guy.

A blast from the past....when Rob was Born...One...Two...Three...

And 4!!!

 Size - 36 pounds.  Right smack where you should be.  You are 41" high, which is slightly taller than average, but of course, perfect.  You have long legs, a super strong tummy, and a big boy buzz cut.  Not a baby.  Not a toddler.  A little boy.  Be still, my heart.

Likes: You still love cars with a passion, and asked me for 10 Lamborghini's this year.  Real ones.  Ill get back to ya, bud.  You also are obsessed with "Secret Life of Pets" and also would like a mastiff, JRT, and Pomeranian for your birthday.  And while I am sure your Aunt Shel would help you out with the last one, Daddy would kill us both.  So, keep dreaming dreaming big, bud.  You also love playing car racing games, jumping in bounce houses, riding your big boy bike with training wheels, and playing in your pool. Seems like a pretty good life for a 4 year old!
  

Dislikes: Eating meat.  When things don't go your way.  Being told "NO".  And when Biz tries to play with your toys and you don't want to share.  Aside from the meat eating thing, I currently deal with these issues quite a bit at work, so I don't know what to tell ya, bud.  Suck it up, buttercup.  And enjoy the flinging yourself on the floor and screaming thing while you can.  It stops being acceptable when you turn about 6.  Well, maybe.  I might try it at my next staff meeting and see what happens.

Sleep: Aside from when you have bad dreams and need snugs (hey, not complaining), once we get you into bed, you sleep like a champ.  10-11 hours a night.  It's the 437 easy steps to get you there that we are working on....

Eating: Still adore fruit, pizza, anything chocolate, beans and rice, "golden cereal" and "talking cereal" (honey nut cheerios and rice krispies) and turkey dogs.  Sometimes it's a struggle to get you to eat, but you do well.

Milestones/Firsts:Preschool.  Riding a bike with training wheels.  Becoming fully potty trained.  Counting to 30.  And your use of astronomically grown up words like "transparency" and aerodynamic" (cause when you have triathletes for parents...) correctly.  You are pretty much off the charts in intelligence...now it's time to get your emotions there with ya.  Hang in there bud.  Equilibrium happens (see what I did there??)

Best Moment: I can't even improve on my 3 year old sentiments = Watching you and Biz.  Buddy, when you were born, I truly did not believe I had a bigger capacity for love.  I was wrong.  Watching my big boy and my baby....the two of you are just simpatico.  It is amazing.  I love you both to buts and pieces, and my life is so much better because you are in it!! 


Edited to add at 4.....the two of you are so amazing.  you teach your sister so much, and you are her biggest protector.  Watching my first baby grow into such a caring, intelligent, lovable boy is indescribable.  I love you so much, my ro-bear.

Looking Forward To: All the cool things we get to learn and do every day....the zoo, swimming, running together (you want to do a 5k!), riding bikes, swinging, reading, snuggling, a few upcoming vacations....everything.  From the mundane to the exceptional, my life with you in it is astronomically better then I ever could have dreamed.  I LOVE YOU SO MUCH BEAR (hands raised in the air)..  And that's a lotta muches!!!