Well here's a little known one from Jewel. I'm not 100% sold on the lyrics for the meaning of this post, but the title fits, so we're gonna take that one and run with it.
Clearly, we can see that the nature of this blog has turned from the "You can do anything and go get it now!" to...."What happens when x, y, z gets in your way and you can't see beyond the mountain of doubt in front of you?"
Somehow, I always thought kicking ass and taking names was the way to go. Now I see that the real beauty behind it IS the struggle, that it's totally okay to admit that the inertia of your life can sometimes be completely overwhelming. It's humbling, thought provoking, but sometimes really hard to find your way out of.
I just start to wonder, when did I become this crazy person that is afraid of everything? Sometimes the idea of taking even one simple step seems overwhelming, and I've never felt quite so susceptible to failure or judgment in my life. I really wonder, at times, have I just decided to get my mid life crisis over early, or has the idea of these big, scary goals really totally overwhelmed me?
I don't think it's either. I think it's more of the fact that when you take a long look at your life, it's easy to see where you want to become a better person. And chipping away at those goals takes not only time, dedication, and hard work, but a healthy amount of letting go of the perception of the way "things are supposed to be" and moving on to the zone of the "unknown".
It's been a really deep few weeks. And the crazy part is, none of these reflections actually came from running. I've taken the space to heal my foot, and stayed off of it for ten days - which might seem silly, but seeing as its my longest running hiatus since 2013 and my main source of therapy, I'm proud of the fact that I've not checked myself into the Betty, started wearing a straight jacket, and have any friends left at all.
As a matter of fact, I feel like I'm finally digging myself out of a hole. Thank god. Work is better, friendships are better, my personal relationships are better, family is better. It's a healthy combo of shifting things back to the priority of where they should be, taking myself a hell of a lot less seriously, and stepping into that learning zone to become the person I truly want to be.
Don't get me wrong. The fear is still there. The fear of rejection. Of failure. Of not being the person I want to be. But that fear can also be a good thing - sometimes you have to look at it, acknowledge its there, and use it as a tool to move beyond your comfort zone.
And lest you think I forget my roots, its coming back to racing - this time multi sport. This Sunday marks the start of the 2019 Tri season with a familiar home opener - The Keuka Lake Tri. I haven't had a good race at Keuka....ever. I raced it in 2018 to prep for Placid (which was apparently so depressing I never even wrote a race report), and also in 2006, 2008, 2009, 2010 , and 2011. I've done the Olympic every year, save for 2006, and this year opted for the sprint (.5 mile swim, 14 mile bike, 5k run) both to preserve my foot and give the bike some hell. I really have no race goals other than to give that bike my best damned shot (well, and see what I can do on the swim and the run, which should be good if my foot allows the latter!) Basically, the last tri I raced was Ironman Lake Placid 2018, and we all know what that did to me....I want to love this sport again and Sunday is the day!
It's time to move beyond the fear zone here. To take all the lessons I've learned, the work I've done, and to literally mount the beast and move beyond my lack of confidence, excuses, and...well....I suppose other people's opinions of me (though I rarely think of them as negative on the race course....my tri support is strong and I love it).
Clearly, we can see that the nature of this blog has turned from the "You can do anything and go get it now!" to...."What happens when x, y, z gets in your way and you can't see beyond the mountain of doubt in front of you?"
Somehow, I always thought kicking ass and taking names was the way to go. Now I see that the real beauty behind it IS the struggle, that it's totally okay to admit that the inertia of your life can sometimes be completely overwhelming. It's humbling, thought provoking, but sometimes really hard to find your way out of.
I just start to wonder, when did I become this crazy person that is afraid of everything? Sometimes the idea of taking even one simple step seems overwhelming, and I've never felt quite so susceptible to failure or judgment in my life. I really wonder, at times, have I just decided to get my mid life crisis over early, or has the idea of these big, scary goals really totally overwhelmed me?
I don't think it's either. I think it's more of the fact that when you take a long look at your life, it's easy to see where you want to become a better person. And chipping away at those goals takes not only time, dedication, and hard work, but a healthy amount of letting go of the perception of the way "things are supposed to be" and moving on to the zone of the "unknown".
This....is scary as fuck. I've made some good strides, but once I got over the anger of my injury that sidelined me from running, I've realized that it happened for a reason - to remind me that there was way more to life than those big scary running goals. Both in terms of sport (hello, two week bike and swim focus) and in terms of my other life struggles - work, my relationships with my family and friends, and my ambitions of what the hell I want to do with my life...are finally getting clarity.
I am 100% on the road of the "learning zone", but in the past two weeks, I've taken a big step of going beyond the "fear zone" to tackle some of these big scary goals that exist in other areas of my life. I've hit on a major goal of shifting perspective to allow space for other's thoughts and feelings, and that while in some instances I think I have the right idea, that I really only know the part of the picture that I bring to the table. (More on this one later).
I've accepted that some people in my life just aren't what I need and to not only stop judging them for it, but to accept them for who they are, realize that I can't change them, and fit them into my life accordingly. I've also realized there are some pretty damned terrific people in my life that I have not given nearly enough credit to, and that its time to step up and be a better person to them. I've learned with both of these that the best friendships aren't always equal and that there's a delicate balance of who can lean on who and when, as long as it's not always one person doing the leaning and one person doing the giving.
It's been a really deep few weeks. And the crazy part is, none of these reflections actually came from running. I've taken the space to heal my foot, and stayed off of it for ten days - which might seem silly, but seeing as its my longest running hiatus since 2013 and my main source of therapy, I'm proud of the fact that I've not checked myself into the Betty, started wearing a straight jacket, and have any friends left at all.
As a matter of fact, I feel like I'm finally digging myself out of a hole. Thank god. Work is better, friendships are better, my personal relationships are better, family is better. It's a healthy combo of shifting things back to the priority of where they should be, taking myself a hell of a lot less seriously, and stepping into that learning zone to become the person I truly want to be.
Don't get me wrong. The fear is still there. The fear of rejection. Of failure. Of not being the person I want to be. But that fear can also be a good thing - sometimes you have to look at it, acknowledge its there, and use it as a tool to move beyond your comfort zone.
And lest you think I forget my roots, its coming back to racing - this time multi sport. This Sunday marks the start of the 2019 Tri season with a familiar home opener - The Keuka Lake Tri. I haven't had a good race at Keuka....ever. I raced it in 2018 to prep for Placid (which was apparently so depressing I never even wrote a race report), and also in 2006, 2008, 2009, 2010 , and 2011. I've done the Olympic every year, save for 2006, and this year opted for the sprint (.5 mile swim, 14 mile bike, 5k run) both to preserve my foot and give the bike some hell. I really have no race goals other than to give that bike my best damned shot (well, and see what I can do on the swim and the run, which should be good if my foot allows the latter!) Basically, the last tri I raced was Ironman Lake Placid 2018, and we all know what that did to me....I want to love this sport again and Sunday is the day!
It's time to move beyond the fear zone here. To take all the lessons I've learned, the work I've done, and to literally mount the beast and move beyond my lack of confidence, excuses, and...well....I suppose other people's opinions of me (though I rarely think of them as negative on the race course....my tri support is strong and I love it).
Just a swim, bike, run, right?
Well, and the transition. We can't forget that, right?
Well, I know where I'm racking my bike.
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