You Gotta Have Heart

As I hit "publish" on the Kona post, a million emotions went through my head.  Sadness. Heartbreak. Relief at being able to share.  And a sense of trepidation - as to what the response would be.

You guys.  I am crying.  And I have been crying off and on since yesterday.  They aren't the tears I have shed in the last week - the last month - or the last year.  They are tears of someone who feels so incredibly loved and supported.  I cant thank you enough. Truly.

The loving texts and messages poured in yesterday - both from people who have been experiencing a similar year of struggle and doubt - and from people that reminded me that they have my back, no matter what I need.  Anytime. Always.

From my mother in law.  From my athletes.  From my coach. From my best friend.  From my running and triathlon buddies that I have known for years.  From my family. From the triathlete I met in JUNE - THIS YEAR.  From the runner I met LAST WEEK.  Reminding me that - I mean something to them.  That - I have been there for them (even when I had absolutely no idea - and was just being me).  From a woman I met twice - 3 years ago - and have not seen since that told me "I always thought your life was so amazing.  I never knew....that you struggled too".  From several fellow parent athletes who relayed their struggles to balance parenting and sports.  

There was not one single "Rae, its Kona.  WTF are you doing.  GO. You're an idiot".  

You guys.  I love you.  I love you so damned much.  And, as I read through every message with tears in my eyes, I feel so incredibly cared for and loved and I had no idea....that existed. I screenshot.....every single one.  To save, always. To remember that when life hits hard...I have people that care.

It gives me strength. And courage.  And in a year where that has been in very short supply, this means more....than you'll ever know.

As most people understood, I only scratched the surface in that last post.  There's a whole "under the iceberg" to this part of life right now that has been so incredibly hard to carry.  But with the help of so darn many of you, it feels a little more manageable.

It's been a hard month.  A hard week - watching all of the Kona emails come in, seeing my bib number (1286, baby) and knowing that Saturday will be really, really tough.

So a few weeks ago, I did what I do best - and made lemons out of lemonade. When something happens - all the power you have is in how you react. While a trip to Hawaii isn't feasible right now....a day and a half...was.  I had no desire to sit at home Saturday and moan about this, sadly watching the Kona coverage.  I also knew I had to do SOMETHING with my training.  So with the help of the internet, a consult of the 36 states I have left to run a marathon in to hit my "50 state goal", and a few handy "dumb decision" friends, we found a winner.

And in the vein of being oddly fitting, a place to go find my heart....errrr..."hart".

This Saturday, I'll be tackling state #16 in Hartford, Connecticut by running the Hartford Marathon.  I'm armed with road snacks, bad music, and the aid of a friend that I can call and say "hey - wanna run a race this weekend in the middle of nowhere?" and the answer is, "HELL YEAH!"

We all need those friends.

And I am so lucky to have those in spades.

The outcome isn't important.  At all.  It'll be a weekend of laughs, of tears, and of looking up around
me, being grateful for what I have, what I can do, and the people beside me. 

I won't forget what happened when I was at my lowest.  

You were there.  

And now, while I go find me....I know I have all the support and the love in the world.  Thank you.  So damned much.  All of you.