IMTX Taper/Reflections: Unstoppable

And, after four months of training, eight months since I hit "submit" and ten months since I crossed the last Ironman finish line, its here.  Race week.  The day after tomorrow is the big two (okay, three) step - Ironman Texas.  So much has happened in the last three weeks and as I look at the bigger picture that its pretty much impossible to sum it up, but I'm gonna try.

The taper, as expected, was a giant shit show.  They always are.  I had the standard loss of energy,
coupled with lack of caffeine (OMG this was the worst part!), and then added in a dash of equipment problems - thank goodness for the heat wave in NY that let me get out on my bike.  I had issues with my chain dropping (limiter adjustment), issues with my power meter (it went from 0-13000 watts in 30 seconds, and no, I am not that good) and I was averaging about 2 mph less on every ride than I should.  Which, for the mind job of taper, OMG.  After four rides and a serious reconsideration of race goals - turns out my saddle has shifted back a half inch and down.  Welp, that'll do it.  FINALLY, my last brick fell into place before leaving NY - whew. I also had some foot issues stemming from new shoes, which is finally resolved.  Gotta love the last few weeks of this stuff!!

With that in check, my personal life also turned to shit AGAIN, with more ups and downs than I have space to talk about here.  The skinny is - a few roller coaster announcements that threw me for a loop (see what I did there), a pretty massive shake up with an existing friendship, and with 3 days left until departure - I had no idea who was even going with me to Texas. (Note that I have some amazing people that offered and I thank you.  While I have spent the last 4 months in such a weird shift of places, I have had one constant - and thats my tribe.  I love you guys).  Thankfully, it all got sorted, and with a fun new twist on my way out the door that's made me smile most of this week (thank you for that vague blogging Rae, you suck).

FINALLY on the road and somewhere around Cincinatti, our Air BnB cancelled.  WTF.  Again, a deep breath and a few hours of phone calls and frantic searches, and that got settled.  With past reflection, I am glad everything has worked out as it should, but I sincerely hope the drama is done until after Saturday!!  It reminds me that you just never know with Ironman - I've been pretty up front this time around with the whole process - both in a "this is how it is" with a twist of humor.  Ironman....is freaking hard.  It does not go to plan.  It demands a ton of work and discipline and is un-sexy.  And its always WHEN - not IF - something will go wrong.  You have to be able to handle it, and move on. But damn - is it fun.  And despite all of the craziness it brings, I am so grateful and happy to be doing something I love so freaking much. 

And if that isnt a microcosm for the last ten months of my life, I dont know what is.  I have changed so much since toeing the line of IMDSM in June 2022.  Some record highs, and some record lows.  And this past stint of training has taught me so damned much about who I am both on and off the race course.  I can't say it was all fun.  To be very honest, 2023 to date has hands down been the most challenging year of my life.  I have never cried as much as I have this year.  I have never hurt so much.  I have never, ever, been faced with so many things that are just giant question marks or unknowns where I have no idea which first step to take. And so, as I always do, I take the first step.  Sometimes its shaky, sometimes its right, and sometimes its jumping off a cliff.  And thats life. 

And I hesitate to write it, but its the truth.  At the gym in early January, I finished one of my 5am swims and as I walked into the locker room, Sia's "Unstoppable" played through the speakers.  We all know the lyrics - I'm unstoppable - I'm a porsche with no breaks - and you inevitably feel the power of this unstoppable woman. And as I drove home and relistened to the song, I heard the different lyrics I never noted.....

"I'll smile I know what it takes to fool this town"

"Ill tell what you wanna hear, leave my sunglasses on while I shed a tear"

"Breakdown, only alone I will cry out loud, you'll never see whats hiding out"

"I'll put my armor on to show you how strong I am"

And I cried.  Because this...was me.  And in the last 3 months....I've been unstoppable...on the outside.   I've cried on the inside and to those few close people I trust.  To everyone else - I'm invinsible.  I'm confident.  I'm unstoppable. Working through the hurt for some accomplishment has been the most productive way I know to channel it - to bring some positive to all the challenges that aren't.  And while it doesn't fix everything, the genuine love I have for this sport has absolutely helped a ton, along with those people that see through my armor and sunglasses - and have been there for me every single step of the way.

And on Saturday, I'll be thinking about those amazing people that helped me get here - and continue to show me such amazing love with whatever capacity they have to do it.  I'm doing it with the support of an amazing coach and some absolutely wonderful friends and family that I could never imagine the past few months without.

And as I think about it - its the essence of Ironman.  It somehow strips you raw and demands of you -
what are you made of?  Can you shed a tear then pull yourself up and go after what you want - even if it means a 4am wakeup?  If it means training through tears?  If it means being frozen, too hot, running after 19 hours in a car, or when your entire life is falling apart?

I can.  And while I hate one of the reasons it went so well - the respite of training when your heart hurts so much that pushing through the pain seems a much lesser evil - its not the whole essence.  It's also a time of change in my life - and I know this.  And right before that change is when its the hardest - when you have to look at where you are, where you want to be, and who is there next to you.

I don't have all the answers, but I'm grateful for each day that I get to wake up and do what I love, be with the people I love, and take a deep breath and look up at the gorgeous sky and say "Thank you".  And then....dive into a pool.  A Lake.  Ride my beautiful bike.  Or lace up my shoes and go for a run.

Ironman Texas is....a race.  But it's also the culmination of some pretty sweet work, some pretty hard days, and the finish line of chasing my best self.  Let's get it started!!