Life is a Highway

And here we are, in the first recovery week of the IMTX build - which means a few things.  It's not quite time for a Block 1 recap (I know you're on the edge of your seat here, but Mean Dude has me doing a few fun workouts this week that I'll want to encompass in that post, so stay tuned - this road to Ironman is the wildest yet so far!)

This post is oddly more about that whole "balance" act that seems to be so precarious lately.  I'm not gonna lie, guys, I'm sure if you read between the lines, the last few months have been incredibly rough here - I've included enough reality in between the expected jokes and silliness that it was evident that I've been on the struggle bus, trying to right myself for awhile.  And most of it, I couldn't put my finger on the exact "why" - which was frustrating as hell.  Was it the holidays?  Family Stuff? Friend Stuff? Overtraining? Off season? Winter?  Who knows.  But I won't kid a kidder, there were many days filled with apathy and just a lack of desire for anything...more days than I will care to admit it in a short period of time.  I was just not myself.  And the part that pissed me off was that I knew it, and had zero idea how to fix it.

The key was time, patience with myself, and the company of a few really good people that weren't afraid to call me out on my bullshit, but follow it up with support.  I'm not saying life is perfect, but in the past few weeks, it's absolutely been looking up, thank goodness. I at least know where to go with some of the struggles, and know who's gonna be there to support me if and when I need it.  I'm not great with the patient thing or the time thing - once something goes wrong, I want to be able to hop in and fix it, dammit.  

Which led me to the ironic part - throughout the whole ordeal (how long can I milk this mid life crisis around my 40th birthday - asking for a friend??) I was truly annoyed with the idea that while my life was falling apart, there was one constant to where I was kicking ass - and that was training - marathon, Ironman, you name it - the workouts were mostly nailed and checked off and I was getting it done. 

Sports, and in particular, long distance triathlon, are such a tricky thing.  They can be a great outlet for mental health, staying active and healthy, and goal setting.  They also can quickly get out of hand and suck you into a world of obsession.  While I've been a triathlete for almost two decades now, I really have been focused the last few years at a different level, and I've noticed that the admiration for dedication and achievement comes with a second helping of judgement - how much time do you spend training?  Aren't you a little obsessed?  What does your family think?  Are you ever there for your kids? Maybe your life would be better if you just took a break and focused on other stuff. 

The answer is - I love this sport.  Truly, I do.  But its a hobby.  While its my favorite hobby, I'm always
careful to make sure that the training happens early, or on lunch (when I can) or in conjunction with something else - a kid lesson, a half day I took at work, or if I'm lucky enough - with my kid!  I have full support at home and am super careful not to screw with that.  And in terms of that obsession....its no moreso than a normal hobby.  I'd function without it.  I have other interests and likes. But in the past few months of uncertainty, I've used it as a grounding mechanism for many reasons - namely - because I can figure it out.

And that's huge.  When I look at my training - it all makes sense.  Whether its me penning the effort or my coach - the workouts have a purpose and a goal.  It's a clear cut goal and purpose that if I'm not sure what it is - I can as - and there are ANSWERS! (Which, let me reiterate, even though we call my coach Mean Dude he is literally one of my favorite people right now - I'll wax poetic about him next week, but lest he get a big head - he always explains, keeps the big picture in mind, and makes me laugh and feel proud and motivated all at once.  He's a keeper and I already love him for putting up with my shit.  And for me to say that on a recovery week is BIG TIME PRAISE.  Go Mean Dude!).

Each training session not only has a purpose, it leads to a bigger goal - there is a clear 16 week plan for this.  The finish line in X amount of time is the goal.  Each day, when I execute - I know what I want.  I see it.  Even if its 5am on a Sunday or shivering at the pool at o dark thirty, I can repeat the goal in my head and have direction.  I have control over the sessions and am not relying on anyone but me to achieve the outcome. 

If I fuck it up - I usually know why.  It could be lack of sleep, nutrition, anxiety (tough to hold ZR heart rate when life is fucked) or the weather.  But its usually easily pinpointed and can be righted.  And when it gets messy, you can either recognize the roadblock or call the audible and try again tomorrow.  There IS a do over, unlike in life, with a lack of time machines and corrector fluid. 

It all makes sense.  And with so much uncertainty lately, the road map that training is right now - is comforting.  

Once I figured that out, it made me feel better.  It doesn't negate all of the messy stuff that doesn't have a clear answer right now, but it at least gives me a space to go to where I can be calm and in control of it for a little bit as a "time out" from life. 

Oh - and I love it.  Did I mention that?  I love every workout, even the hard ones.  Even the ones I fail or need to tailor expectations to.  And they make me happy - I dance, sing, and enjoy every second (as any of you that see the shit I post on Instagram and Facebook can attest to - sorry not sorry!) And I've been lucky enough the past few weeks to share that with people that make me laugh, listen to me cry, and make me feel like the best version of myself.  And that part is huge.

I was out for a run the other day, thinking about the past year - recently, I've reconnected with a wonderful friendship that I thought I lost last winter.  And I laughed to myself, remembering the struggle I had back in January 2022 about this friendship - the times I spent worrying, being sad, and wondering where I went wrong with it.  

I also thought about what I had wished for 2022 and I realized that January 2022 Rae would KILL to be January 2023 Rae.  And it's not just all about racing - that BQ was sweet, as were the tri accomplishments, but the things that kept me up at night a year ago - have either worked out, are better now than ever - or - are no longer anything I think about. I literally have everything I wanted last year at this time, so why was I feeling the way I did? That friendship right now - is better than ever.  He's a 3am ride or die friend and I never thought that would happen.  I'm not saying it always works out but...sometimes it does. It does when it needs to.  And the rest - we move on from. And head on to the next adventure. 

Because we always want more.  We always want to reach higher.  And that's laudable - its what its all about.  But its important to remember that progress isn't linear - it can be messy, complicated, and not always have a clear outcome.  And that's okay too.  I think.....most of us are feeling this right now.  

So, as this unfurls, I don't expect 2023 to be all magic and cupcakes.  It's gonna get messy, and there will be tears with the laughter.  But I finally feel like me again - and as much in the drivers seat of this highway of life that I can be.  Who wants to join me on the road trip?