Well hey there! While I've totally dropped the ball on this whole marathon training (really, how much navel gazing can one do?) I seem to be making up for it with my honest posts on late season struggles, my nerves leading up to this season closer, and, to keep with the theme, I figured I'd give you an update with the latest - taper week!
If you aren't a runner/triathlete (and it's shocking how many of you follow this crap that aren't into the dumb shit I do the race life (I love you guys)), the taper is a super important part of training that's often overlooked. It's not exciting. It's not sexy. And most athletes, myself included, despise it. After weeks and/or months of build and training, the taper is the part where you allow your body rest to absorb the training, shed the fatigue, and get ready to do all the zooms on race day. You still train - but the duration is much shorter and is mixed easy effort with a few speed pieces interspersed. You'd think the opportunity to kick your feet up and chill would be some sort of reward for the hours of hard work we put into this.
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taper is the worst. mind. job. on. the. planet. You have more time that either gets devoted to the less fun stuff (oh right, I have a job and house chores), too much time to be anxious about your training, and every tiny tweak is cause for worry. It's a mess. And while this is all totally normal, after a decade of going through it...I'm no better at it. I know the signs, what it all means, and rationally, I accept it. But damned if its not tough anyways - and the more important the race is, the worse it is.
Don't worry. I'm here for you. As always, my helpful nature wants everyone to avoid the week I've had - so with three days out from the big race, I give you my best taper tips. Enjoy!
Ten Taper Tips for Race Week
1. Take your last longish run no closer than a week out - for the marathon, I ran ten miles. Use the ten miler to get all the shit out of the way. Drop your nutrition without noticing. Charge your MP3 player beforehand and watch it die 3 miles in. Spend the last half of the run doing marathon mental math about the pace you need to hold to acheive your time and simultaneously tell yourself its impossible...while holding marathon pace. Grimace at cars. Throw dorky peace signs at passing runners. You are so cool.
2. Second Guess every portion of your training. Scoff at anyone that thinks you can meet your A
goal. Get pissed at everyone who thinks you can't. Read into everyone's emails, texts, and words that you talk to. Overreact. Yell at your phone (probably its a good idea to make sure you've hung up before doing this). Text back...delete....text back...delete....and then maybe send. Screenshot the offending texts that read " Whats up?" and send them to your bestie with the caption "WTF IS WRONG WITH THIS DOUCHEBAG". Clearly, this text has some serious hidden meaning that is dark in nature. Hell, maybe I should make some big decisions about life while I'm at it.
3. DO NOT GET FIRED OR ARRESTED. This has been a big goal of mine this week. My drafts folder of my email is frighteningly big. I've left people on read. Whoops. I have a loose agreement with a buddy of mine to bail me out if I call him. He's also racing this weekend too, though, so I might be shit outta luck. Dammit.
4. Go out for your last tempo run five days out. Control your pace. When you don't, marvel at how awesome you are during your cool down. Immediately crap your pants with no trees in sight a mile from home and do the run of shame with your shirt tied around your waist (What, this happened to that friend of mine. I swear, it wasn't me).
5. Treat every tweak as a re-affirmation that you'll never be able to cover the distance. My glute is twingy - how can I be expected to walk let alone run 26.2 miles? Give up immediately but plan to attend the event anyways for the swag and post race food. Remind yourself that you'll never hit the pace you need to for that long anyways - what the hell were you thinking? Make stupid bets with people you can never catch that have undefined winning stakes and think "How bad could that be"? ( Probably bad).
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7. Check the weather to make sure you're prepped for race day with your running gear. Pack your snowsuit in case there's a blizzard. Pack your bikini for the inevitable lava explosion that will make it 200 degrees out. Do NOT, under any circumstances, pack the tights you wore for your tempo run that have a hole in a very bad place. (That you found out about in the worst way. What? It WAS A FRIEND!).
8. Ask your husband to review your race packing list. When he mentions you forgot hair ties, remind him that he's bald and doesn't even need them, so what does he know. Mention sweetly that if he kills you in your sleep for being such a bitch so helpful with regard to his hairline that he will be found out and will not get the life insurance you just bumped up. Sleep with one eye open anyways, gripping your pillow tight. EXTRA ...oh wait, where was I.
9. Double and triple check your hotel reservations, race registrations and directions. Mapquest that shit and print it in case your phone dies and your car accidentally brings you back to 1995. Add in that discman for good measure to rock out on the race course - it's retro, baby!
10. Get ridiculously sappy with those that have put up with your shit, been there for you during training, and have not managed to kill you during your idiocy during taper. Tell them how much you love them and how awesome they are. Repeatedly. Make it weird. You're basically a college kid at a frat party who's drunk and needs to go home. DO NOT DRINK. You are crazy enough sober right now. (This does not apply post race - beer me.)
And after all that, remind yourself that you invested a ton of time, energy and resources in chasing this big dream of yours and how much you love it. Then go enjoy the hell out of that race!
I ran 3 miles fir my taper week.... run more than 3 miles during your taper week.... just sayin
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