You Can't Stop Me

Boy, tapering gives you time.

Time to pause and think about things.  About your training, about the color of the walls in your kitchen (really need to redo those....shall I run out and do all the projects now that I have time?), about life. It's such a dangerous thing.

This year, I decided to make some big changes in my life.  With that, I've been looking back at the first 3 months of the year with some wonder, some amazement, some regret, and some plain disbelief.  As most people do, I started off the year with some goals.  Really, one goal.

To do big, scary things.

Many people would posit that big scary things is a terrible goal to have.  Its ambiguous.  Hard to pin down.  What the frig does it even mean, Rae?

I'll explain.

The past few years have been pretty crazy for me.  Even in the best world, as a person at a pivotal age (I just made that up - does it sound good?) trying to figure out life through some pretty big milestones - becoming a mom (twice), a pretty big career transition, a total game changer with Greg's career, paying off the house, and some insane by the "average bystander" athletic goals - first ultra marathon - followed by two more, breaking 4 hours in the marathon, and doing an Ironman with two young kids - add in another dozen marathons, countless triathlons and shorter road races.....my life in the last 6 years has been nuts.

There have been great achievements.  I have some damned amazing kids.  A solid career path.  A wonderful husband that is a great life partner.  And some pretty sweet achievements as a runner and triathlete that, when I take stock of, I'm pretty damned proud of (57 mile PR in 12 hour road race, a 3rd Ironman finish, and a new marathon PR of 3:53).

But why settle? It's not in my nature.  And the past two years (2017 and 2018) laid down a few massive challenges where I failed epicly simply because I got too comfortable. A set back at work because I buried my head in the sand and went with the flow.  A fail at home because I rested on my laurels and didn't speak up. And Ironman Lake Placid 2018 was a huge cluster fuck because I let the fear of the bike go to my head.

As I took stock at the end of the year in 2018, I knew that I needed to stop complaining and start doing.  To stop being a passive bystander to  the circumstances in my life that I disliked, and to step up and do the things to make them change.

The big, scary things.

I started off with swimming and running.  Because even though I have not been a lifelong athlete, over the past ten years of endurance training, running (and biking and swimming) have almost become a microcosm for my entire life - it seems that the truths that happen during my workouts seem to mimic my life on a smaller scale with frightening regularity.

Swimming came naturally and easily.  I've blogged before about the serendipitous meeting at the Y with one of my now training buddies that turned around the way I look at swimming - and 6 months later this new way of thinking and training has shaved 4-5 minutes off my mile swim time.  All it took was the humbleness to accept that my way of thinking might not be the best and to open myself up to someone that perhaps might know better.  Out of it I have a better swim skill, and just as importantly, a whole new cast of friends to train with and race with in 2019.

Running has been another huge area of doing the big scary things in 2019.  I've blogged quite a bit about the IRB runs, the new PRs on training runs set, and the fabulousness of getting outside my element to train and race with those I never would have before.  I've mastered the fast race simulated training runs with the Rabbit and the Escort.  I've done tempo and long runs with the Pace Man.  And I've even learned how to do recovery runs from the King of Slow.  (Seriously, does anyone go by their real name anymore?  No?  Well thank goodness.  Let's continue to keep it interesting, folks).

Aside from multi sport (I swear I do have a life) I've applied this logic to two more places - work and home.  At work I've started stepping up and taking on more - of not being afraid to speak up for what I believe in, to make a leap that possibly might not end well, and to step back and consider ideas I might have written off.

The same applies at home.  We have a pretty good family dynamic, but there are ways in both my marriage and parenting skills needed some reflection.  Through mutual discussion and support, Greg and I have really looked at what we do well, at what is missing, and have had some serious heart to hearts about how we want to be as people, both together and as individuals.

So, whats the final verdict, Rae?

There have been some snags, as there always will be.  When you attempt to turn the way you view your role in life on its head, there always will be.  Runs where I have completely bonked and hit the wall because I refused to acknowledge a defined limit.  Swims where I have hit failure mid set and did the doggy paddle of shame to the wall.  Humbling apologies to my funder for screwing up.  And a few tense situations where I have had to let my guard down and not be afraid to have a real discussion or admit failure or misjudgment.

There also have been beautiful butterfly moments of emergence from a self constructed cocoon.

This past week, I've felt pretty vulnerable in a few situations that I normally would not have been.  Affected by words or actions that normally wouldn't affect me.  Allowing other people to set the bar for how I feel about life and myself.  It hasn't been pretty.

I can blame it on the taper, lack of sleep, this shitty weather, or do the right thing.  And accept that I am not a product of life circumstances, but how I handle them.  And how I feel about myself is really up to me, and no one else.  It's about surrounding myself with people that lift me up as much as possible, and not allowing those that don't to get to me.

And that this life is about taking the bull by the horns and going confidently in the direction of my dreams.  And pursuing them with all I have.


And, as it usually does, that starts out with that running thing.....which is in 4 days.  And 26.2 miles.  I'm not afraid to chase those dreams.  And even if I fail trying, I'm excited to throw my whole self at it and see what I can actually do.  As I prep for the race, I'm pulling together my epic 26.2 play list, which includes a new song that seems to be the best summation of how I feel about life right now
 - Andy Mineo's "You Can't Stop Me" - "I got two choices when I do this - make moves or make excuses".


Big, scary goals.  Watch out.  I'm coming for you.