And once again, it's time to intermingle life and sport - are we surprised? Nah. Recovery week is almost to a close for Block 2 (and what a recovery week!!) - and this block brought a little dose of reality into the dreamworld that I constructed at the beginning of this whole new way of training.
Sounds about right, when you think about it. I started off the first month of training like any new relationship - everything was bright and shiny. So much excitement! All the new things! I love it! Full steam ahead with a bouncy ponytail and into everything head first- some parts were different, some were scary, some that were OMG just what I wanted. Mindset - I'm killin ' it. This is AMAZING. And everything just clicks! (Insert girl giggles and fairy tale vomit inducing Facebook posts).
And it was. Such a great first six weeks. Everything worked. Fast miles. Long bike rides. Swim sets off the hook. Dancing and laughing. The workouts were hard - but I was on fire!
A frostnipped big toe (this was my own damned fault, but come on). An annoying cold that forced some workout shifts during week two - can't hold power on a bike when you can't...breathe out of your nose.
And so it goes.
Some of this stuff was workable - as I have said before - Ironman training is not sexy. It's the repeat of the daily grind - fitting it in at 4am or 8pm when necessary, forgoing lunches and flexing wherever you can to preserve what really matters in life - and when things go wrong (and they will), learning how to fix it. How to pivot and try something different on the fly. How to adjust and get creative to solve the problem. During race day - things will go wrong and you need to be able to flex your game. It's all part of the day.
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And I hit that wall where I had to make a decision - where are we gonna go with this? Can we move past that shiny infallibility and dig into the real stuff? - which, you need to in order to go anywhere for anything real btw - otherwise its play or just potential unrealized. No one is shiny all the time, and when you dig into really getting to know a person - you're gonna have to admit that.
....that's hard. Speaking from experience, whenever you let someone or something new in your life, especially when it means a great deal to you - the day of reckoning will come. When you have to call the audible. Can you show them the unpretty you? Can you move past the surface stuff - the funny jokes, memes, and playfulness - the kicking ass stage - and really let them in? In my personal experience, this usually falls about six weeks to eight weeks into something new. Until then there is almost a "fake it till you make it" shiny exterior where you can push through and show the persona that you want the world to see - whether it's to someone in particular or yourself. And until then I was....super athlete! Do all the workouts. Hit the numbers. I am killin it.
Until I wasn't. And much like the 2nd season in a show...or that sophomoric music album.... it was a make or break moment. Can I step back - and admit where those non shiny parts are creeping in? That I can't kick with my toe because its still kind of whitish? That I struggled during that ride? That I need to scrap a bike because I can't nose breathe or my anxiety is so high I can't hold recovery HR??
Turns out, I can. And when I admitted it - something wild happened. As you can tell by now, one my my biggest assets is my tenacity and stubborn "get it done" or "fix it" mentality. Turns out, that's a huge weakness as well. But for someone that routinely struggles to admit fallibility or needing help - it's really hard to admit it. And...quite honestly, the last few times I have admitted needing help from people - I've been completely shut down. Dismissed. Burned badly. That shit sticks. And it hurts. And it tells you - to just suffer in silence. Figure it out. And show those shiny parts to the world and hide the pieces that you're struggling with.
But...that doesn't work. You can only hide it for so long before you break - and thankfully - in this case - once I owned up to it, and changed a few things about the way I am training, with the help of Mean Dude (who I really think we might need to rename) - I am back on an even keel. Sometimes....taking that leap to trust someone is so incredibly hard. But if you don't do it - you're never going to evolve as a person or athlete.
And so....I rested my toe. Cut a few workouts when I was sick. And scaled back to remember to wisely use recovery - so I could kill it when I needed to. It's a back-and-forth relationship with Mean Dude - he will absolutely tell me exactly how it is when I'm executing something perfectly - and when I need to rethink things - because both of us have the same goal - to see Texas be a giant success. He has the faith in me, and equally celebrates my success and helps me work through those "Needy Rae" moments when I need to step back and be soft and say "I need some help- can you please be that person?" . It's pretty awesome. It's a friendship I never saw coming - we help each other out in so many ways, and I can't wait to see where this journey goes.
And so, the last week of this block was a pretty giant success - I nailed the long ride and hit standalone marathon pace for my long run - woah - and once again, I'm back. Thank goodness!
social media because - to be honest with you - this go around has been the most fun I've ever had training for an event. Last year brought so much to the table, but the most important thing I learned - from the wildest most unexpected source - was how to play. How to just throw your whole self at something and jump in fully.
The goals are big, the work is hard, the juggling is crazy - but - I have my people. My new swim buddy (and the return of one of my favorite bad decision makers!). A fantastic new runny friend that likes to meet at 7:36 (odd # joke) for some too fast miles and smiles and jokes. And of course - my favorite players that keep coming back to laugh, joke, and tick those miles off as we pursue the ultimate adult playdates that are reminiscent of when we were kids - lets go jump in the water, play at riding bikes, and race each other around the bay!
And even last week, during the swim when nothing was going right - my cap broke, my splits were dragging, and I felt like hell - I was reminded that - you never know who is watching. Or who YOU inspire. After what I would consider a failed set, I climbed out of the water and a lifeguard I don't even know looked at me and goes "Wow - you are so good. You were speeding along for over an hour - you are amazing!" (No, I did not pay him, and he must have been fifteen years my junior). And it hit me. Again. How lucky I am to do this, and how it's not always about my perception of the execution. It's about the journey. The fun. The dancing. And enjoying every step. Splits are great, but this is all about the fun along the way pursuing something I love. And a lifetime of learning as I go.
And honestly, the real parts. The ability to....Be Brave. One of my current running playlist songs that I am loving - Sara Barielles sings -
To say....what you wanna say...and let the words fall out
Honestly...I wanna see you be brave
And knowing that yes - its a risk to open and you might fall, but that it's a risk worth taking. You can't do it all on your own, and it's okay to open up and show someone those pieces of you that you aren't proud of. It's not easy being brave. Not easy admitting that I don't have it all together and might need some help figuring it out. But - as I've found out quite a bit through some spectacular moments of bravery - the right ones show up when you need them to. Oddly enough, most times when you didn't know or ask. And the ones that can't or won't - are probably on their own journey of trying to be brave.
As we wind down block #3, I'm currently in the weirdest recovery week I have ever had. But that's a story for another day. Two more main blocks to go and Texas is just 8 weeks away....it's on to the next stage of this journey!
