Whew. This is a tough one to write. So...I know I pride myself in being fully honest with you, even if its painful. I've sat down to write so many times in the past five weeks and just couldn't get the words to flow. Truth is, it's been a really really rough go for me the past month or so. It started mid September and every time I work myself out of it, something else slams me in the face and I just can't seem to recover from any of it. This isn't a pity party - it's just the truth. I absolutely know I've got many things better than a lot of people, but I know myself well enough to understand that it's time for me to re-assess certain things in my life and move forward with where I want to be (as much as anyone can this year!).
This is not the post to discuss it, though when I can finally pull together the words to do so, I'll certainly share. The beauty of a "real blog" is to share the pretty unicorn moments and the ugly times too. Either way, I know the stumbling blocks will make me stronger and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I haven't found it yet, but it's there.
However, today is the day to talk about "racing". Yep, I air quoted that. Much like a rare unicorn sighting, 2020 served up the opportunity to race in person again, and I chose to take it. Was it a wise choice? Read on!
Over the past year I have had the pleasure to get to know an amazing woman named Lauren. I met her through a mutual friend at a wedding last summer, and she's become a great friend, a like minded person to run things by, and she bravely took a chance on me when I decided to delve into run coaching in 2019. I coached her through her first 5k last December, we've run several iterations of virtual races in 2020, and she recently placed first female overall in her first 10k last month (she is a beast. I cannot wait to see what she does next year). Through all of it, her desire for 2020 was to run a half marathon. We trained for a spring race, and that fell through. We set our sights on some soft summer goals, and then looked to see what the fall had to offer. Last year, she spectated at the EVL half marathon, minutes away from her house. Would it actually happen this year? Why not train and find out??
So, in addition to coaching an athlete to run the race, I eyed it with the thought that I might run it as well. I left a lot on the table last year at this race, but after Cassadagaman and then the shitshow of life the past month, I was on the fence and leaning towards no. I reviewed the race guide and noticed that it was set to go off in waves (every fifteen minutes), trickle start, self serve aid stations, and no spectators allowed, with masks at start and finish. While I certainly appreciated the attention to safety, I couldn't decide if this was a race I wanted to do. In the end, I opted out.
Then, of course, life happened. Through a series of random events, I found myself signing up for the waiting list on a whim. And, of course, I got in. While I was still on the fence about the actual event, I decided it would be fun to drive down to see Lauren (it had been four months since we hung out!), cheer her on at her first half marathon, and to give the course a whirl. #baddecisions2020
In the two weeks between sign up and race, of course, 2020 reminded me it was still...2020. I've made it through the year without injury (knock on wood), so of course, seven days out, my calf started to niggle. I cut out running for a few days and took it easy. The few runs that I did gave me the impression that the calf was probably tight and overused, but not injured. I did a few tempo miles for fun to see what I could expect from race day and left them no wiser than I started. With a few days left to go into the race I still had no idea what I wanted to do with it and can describe the idea of the race with no other word than ambivalence. I literally gave no f*cks if it happened, what I ran, or how I handled it. Hell, I didn't even feel like running (WHO AM I?)
That was weird.
Prior to the race, my coach and I discussed my off season plans. His thought was to take two weeks off from training totally. My thoughts....led elsewhere. In 2020, I can't imagine another restriction on my life, let alone one that took away my favorite thing to do. I argued that without an on season, there was no off season. He spouted some kind of gibberish involving words like "Goggins challenge 4x4x48" "42 mile run in one day in July" and "half ironman". We settled on some kind of truce that I'm not clear on, except he wants me to be happy, while doing exactly what he expected me to do anyways. Cool. That makes perfect sense.
I mention this because a few days before the race I debated just canning the whole thing. I blew off a run and gave no f*cks about it, which hasn't happened in about five years. I just....didnt want to. I'm not sure if it was the fear of not being in shape, COVID, the whole feel of the year, or what. But....nope.
Race morning I headed down to Ellicottville about 8am - Lauren went off at 11:45 and I was slated to go off at 12:15, so I wanted to get there early to walk her through a few things, gab, pee, and warm up! It was so awesome to see her - and she was so giddy and excited/nervous/scared about her first half! THIS is what you go into a race with. I really hoped it would rub off on me. I tried. I swear.
We discussed racing strategies - while we had prepped for a 1:51 (8:30 pace) she confessed she really wanted to try to go under 1:50. I talked her through it - she DEFINTELY had the talent to do it, and it depended on weather, nutrition, pacing, etc. I told her to go for that 8:20 pace and see what happens - to remember that a 1:51, 1:54, or any finish for a first half marathon was amazing, but to shoot for the stars!
With my fail safe plan, I was encouraged to go sub 1:42 by both Ryan and my coach - one offered up some pricey running goods, one offered up a partner run. These guys. I knew I liked them. Also, one of them has the edge on incentive offering. You decide which.
Once we arrived on site, Lauren and I checked out her brother's new wellness center (he is the one I ran 42 miles with in July) and got down to business. We got her to the start corral right at 11:45 and she was ready to go!! I had a half hour to kill, so I did a nice easy warm up. My calf felt ok (I KT taped it) but I felt kinda flat. My HR was a bit high for a 9 minute mile, but I finished the warm up and did a few strides and called myself ready to go. I hit the bathroom, tucked in my gu and mp3 player in my bra, and looked down to see a ton of blood. WTF? I didn't feel anything, and after a quick search noticed I'd somehow gouged a big chunk out of my pinky and it was bleeding uncontrollably. Oh WTF. This did not bode well. Greg and I always joke about how even if our quads/feet/calves/shoulders/legs hurt pre race, at least our PINKY is ready to race.
At 12:10, they called my corral up. We trickle started, which meant a runner started every 15 seconds. I'm pretty sure I screwed up my watch start, but with little fanfare, was off.
The 12:15 corral was slated for those that hoped to run a 2:30 half, but since I got in the wait list, it was the only option left. Since I had warmed up, I started right off with a 95% effort and passed people left and right. This course last year was pretty flat with a few rollers the first 10k, hilly miles 6-9.5, then flat to mostly downhill to the end. Last year we had a headwind for the last 10k - this year the headwind was on the first 10k (though, to be fair, I'm not sure we ever got a tailwind. Thanks, 2020!) The first mile definitely felt tough, but they usually do. I hit mile 1 in 7:16 and then encountered my first aid station. I learned really quickly you couldn't run through these (damn) so I stopped got water, drank it, and was off again. Protocol for the LT test had me hitting the lap button ten minutes in, but I screwed it up and hit lap in 12 minutes. Whoops. At this point I was running uphill, and was now supposed to go 100% effort. Well, that worked until I found a friend on course (actually, she recognized my ass as I passed her, which I'll take as a compliment). Smart Rae would have kept going. IDGAF Rae stopped mid LT test and ran back to say hello. While I can't regret it, I think I knew at this point that my head had said "nope" to this whole race. I managed to finish the LT test and hit mile 4 in 31:xx, which was actually horrible time for me. Alright. I let go of a 1:42 right there and aimed for a 1:45. Hit a GU at mile 5 and kept truckin'.
The next 3 miles were pretty uneventful. I was clocking in 7:45-8:00 miles without much effort and passing people. No one seemed super amped to be running and being in the wrong corral, I was doing a lot of passing. (I got passed exactly once in this whole race by a dude that was also in the wrong corral). Honestly, this didn't help my mental state a ton. It just...didn't feel like a race. Hit mile 7 in 55 and change and the uphill portion started. I ended up leap frogging with a guy here - he was trying to pace 9 minute miles and we were running 8:30's. There was a little back and forth at the beginning, but I ended up pacing him through mile 10, probably a bit slower than I would have run, but again, my motivation was somewhere back in Webster (maybe?) Miles 9-9.5 I had the dreaded "dead leg" feel and this was my slowest mile in 9:41. I'm not sure what happened here. I stopped for a GU to try to rev up, but I honestly debated walking the rest of the race in. Jogged it to mile 10 and then realized we finally had a tail wind. Hit mile 10 in 1:21:45 and change and realized that I could probably hit a 1:46-1:47 which would stupidly be a course PR. It wasn't too far of my 1:45 goal, but in my head, I knew I was totally phoning the whole thing in. At this point, I decided against running by time and just tried to enjoy it. I looked up at that point and saw all the color on the trees....the prefect 45 degree day and....
Nope. Nothing. Here I was, out, RACING in 2020. My calf was a little sore, but not hurt. I was in fine shape. My head just did not want to be there. Guys. You know me. I'm the one sailing at mile 12 of a half ironman run with a dopey grin on my face. So happy to be there. Out like a shot any time I can run. LOVE IT. And there was NOTHING. NADA. This was not good. Not good at all.
Post race I caught up with a few fellow triathletes and we discussed the day (both also had tough days on the course but finished strong - and Bert (R) is the RD for a new tri series in Wyoming County, which I'm pretty sure I committed to in 2021. Welp. Sure, why not? :-D
I also found Lauren, who CRUSHED the race in 1:48:51. She was all smiles and shivers, and I am so incredibly proud of her. Not only did she slay it, but she followed the race plan to perfection, which led to pretty perfect splits and effort. She is a coaches dream. (Perhaps I should start listening to the stuff I spew. Though, to be fair, my "plan" was different.)
The field was really tough this year - neither of us placed in our Age group (I would have needed that 1:40 to do so!)but we both shook out in the top 25%, which was great for a first half marathon (Lauren) and for a basically non present athlete (me). I think they did a great job with the whole thing, although I will say that this just didn't feel like a race to me. The trickle start, masks at start and finish, lack of post race anything, and DIY aid stations that were impossible to run through were a little tough. I say this with no criticism at all - the presence of an on site event is always awesome, this just didn't feel like a race, where Cassdagaman did.
Post race we hung out at Lauren's, ate pizza (with pineapple - her son has good taste!) and plotted out her 2021 list of goals. Seriously, that girl is going places. I am so incredibly excited to have a front row seat.
I'm lucky enough to have a great support system to do so. My husband is unfailingly there for me and listened as I vented for for hours Saturday night without the slightest judgement. My coach did the same yesterday. Both are concerned and allowing me to the "unfiltered Rae" - the one that's raw, real, and doesn't always make sense, but is authentic. I also have some pretty great friends, two of which stepped in and offered exactly what I needed post race without even knowing the state I was in. They gave me hope and something to look forward to, something that's sorely lacking this year. I love you guys. More on that to come.
So....not the race report you are used to. But the one that happened. And with every race, I always learn something, and this was no exception. Am I sorry I did it? Nope. I got to see my friend and athlete slay her first half marathon, and that was priceless. But I forgot to bring Rae with me - the Rae that loves running and is always amped to jump into a fun run, workout, race, or anything. and I needed her this weekend. But....I'll find her again. I always believe that the tough stuff is what makes you stronger- its easy to kick ass when everything is going right. I'll be back. Watch out.
