The Gambler- An Update on Kona

 

Oh, friends.  I've been sitting on this post for awhile, but its time. Time to come clean.

This is possibly...one of the toughest posts I've ever written.  And it's fitting with 2023, which has been, without a doubt, one of the toughest years of my life.  You see me on here in a form of balance - I've always promised to be honest with you, whether its killin' it on the race course with a win, a "Q" or a PR - or on the days when life is tough and hands you a shit sandwich.

My 40th year on this planet has absolutely been one of those years.  A year of incredible accomplishments - some amazing PR's, a Boston Qualifying Marathon, and a Kona Qualifying Ironman. Epic new friendships and amazing experiences. 

It's also been a year of incredible lows, that have left me crying in a corner, sobbing through a run, or sitting on my best friend's couch, working our way through chocolate and wine. 

It's not the balance I had in mind, but it's life.  And it's real.  And I know that whatever the outcome of this stage in my life is - that I'm strong enough to handle it.  Even if it doesn't feel that way right now.

It's hard to share life when you aren't killin' it.  Yesterday, I had a talk with a new athlete and we got into social media - how what you share isn't real.  How its covered with a layer of shine.  I...don't do that, but I do cover it with a layer of humor that works equally well as a defense mechanism.

And if you dig through the humor, especially in the last month, you'll see the truth.  I've been flat. I've been struggling.  I've been going through the motions of heading toward the finish line for the biggest race of my life.  I've hit the numbers, and I've completed 95% of the metrics mean dude sends to me.

But a few weeks ago, I realized that...a huge piece was missing.  I'm not injured - my body is still going.  But its not going well, because I'm missing a much bigger piece. My heart - is not there.  My brain- is not there.  Where I am in life right now - its not a time to go to Hawaii for ten days to finish a 140.6.  

And that's the distinction with a race like this. It's not a race to "finish" - to go through the motions. When you get to mile 90 on the bike, and you're in the middle of a lava field, and its a million degrees out - your legs will want to quit.  And you need to find a way to keep them going.  With your mind.  And your heart. When you look at the finish line - especially the iconic end of a race you've been eyeing with longing for 18 years like a kid in a candy store - knowing that Ali'i drive is right now....just a road...why go?  Not for a race like this.

I remember the last half mile of the Philly marathon so well.  The tears in my eyes as I knew I was going to hit a BQ.  And the last mile of the Ironman at Texas - the emotion was just so incredibly real.  I wanted to be there. Those were....amazing days. I won't forget them.  And for months ahead of time, for both races -  while up at 4am, on the trainer, or in the freezing cold - I saw those moments.  I saw my loved ones at the finish line, waiting for me.  I saw the medal.  I saw the dream. I knew what I wanted and I threw my whole heart, body and soul into those races.

I don't see that right now.  And, along with a lot of life things going on - that made my choice.  I can't do that for Kona.  Not this race. This race means too damned much to just be "a race".

It's heartbreaking, and I am sad.  But I know I made the right choice.  And since the moment I made this decision four weeks ago....I haven't doubted it once.  I made it as an athlete.  As a person.  As a mom.  And as a family member.  On every level - it was right.  Even though it hurts - in my heart, I know it was right. 

In the past five years, I have learned so many lessons about life and this sport. After Lake Placid 2018, I sat down and thought really hard about what I wanted out of myself as an athlete (check it out). I had hit rock bottom and knew I needed to make some changes.

And the one line that jumped out at me that 2018 Rae wrote was this....

Because I am afraid.  I am afraid of speed on the Keene descent.  I'm afraid of not holding the brakes in aero.  And I sat myself into a huge nutritional hole because I am afraid to eat a clif bar on the fly.

If 2018 Rae triathlete could see 2023 Rae triathlete....she would never believe it.  In the past five years, I've learned to throw caution to the wind.  I've learned to run fast, and with people I have "no business running with".  I've learned to love my bike and be comfortable - in aero - one handed, and yes, flying downhill at 50 mph. (I haven't learned to swim, but hey, everyone needs goals).  I learned...to jump in and take a chance.  To go for it and give it my all.  And the rewards on the race course - and the friendships I have made off the course - are immeasurable. And I am so damned grateful for all of them. 

And maybe this was the final lesson.  To learn when to call the audible. I never thought it would be for Kona, but then again, when do we expect life lessons.  That's what they are there for. They aren't easy.

But it's different this time.  I don't have the doubt for myself as a person or as an athlete.  I KNOW that I can qualify again, and I will.  When the time is right.  I'll be back.  With my whole heart, body and soul.  I'll be back.  And with the grace and love of the people closest to me who have been absolute angels through this difficult chapter - I'll get through it.  I love you guys so damned much. You have no idea. You know who you are.

Everything in life is somewhat of a gamble.  You gotta know when to hold 'em.  When to fold 'em. 

This time - it was time to walk away.  (Probably also time to run - you can roll your eyes now, it's okay). 

But I'll be back.  And next time - it'll be right.  And the comeback....it's gonna be spectacular.

Right now - it's time to take life as it is.  To step back, and re-affirm that balance.  It's not always easy, but I know it'll be worth it.  Thank you guys.  For your support.  For believing in me.  And for being there.  You'll never know....how much it means to me.  Truly. 

So whats next?  Well, you know that I'm not the type of girl to just throw down without something in my back pocket.  I'm off to find my heart.  And this weekend, I'll be on that path.  Stay tuned.