Blame it on the Rain

 This could otherwise be titled "How my off season is going?".  You know right away its going to be a smashing success.....don't the best laid blog posts profess a dedication to Milli Vanilli?  And with that, you know you're about to read a train wreck.  Which is highly appropriate for this season (yay for trains!), slightly eye roll inducing, and yet you know - you're gonna read it anyways.  Here we go!

So what does one do when they hit all their goals?  It's a mixed bag, folks.  I walked (yes, I walked - albeit slightly frozen!) away from my marathon in an odd state - I have never finished a race where I would not have changed a single damned thing.  There were small tweaks I suppose I could have made, sure, but in the big picture, I really couldn't have improved in terms of execution, training, or anything else given the variables race day presented.  It ended the season on a wicked high note, with the promise of Boylston St in 2024 (see what I did there) the pinnacle of my quest and the perfect end to a crazy successful racing year - one I could have never even imagined even last year.

And that was the moment when the proverbial kool-aid man kicked down the door and reminded me that while I had been so one dimensional in November chasing a dream (I admit it) that there was actual life going on outside of racing.  I knew this going in - I had blogged about it and luckily, most people in my life understood the few weeks prior to such an A goal were a little pre-occupied.  It was time to re-focus.  Big time. No more "blaming it on the rain"....errr...race (whomp whomp).

My body weighed in first and reminded me that not only had I just spent 8 hours in frozen windy weather prepping and running 26 miles and change - I also had been in training for some sort of endurance event for 11 months.  It rebelled. Hard. 

 I spent of the week post Philly a mess - I couldn't eat, had body aches and chills, and struggled to just be able to function.  Two ish weeks out, I'm happy to say I finally am on the mend - recovery took a bit longer than I expected just due to race conditions and the fact that I couldn't take any real recovery steps until last week.  I think I lost five pounds alone the week after the race - which I really couldn't afford to lose.  I've wisely (hey, sometimes I can do that!) put off starting the training for the 2023 season for a few more weeks and have spent lots of time resting and re-connecting with the rest of my life.

The latter really was the next step - it seems that the whole concept of "not cutting my bangs" pre race really caught up with me (as in, I knew I wasn't myself and refused to make any big decisions - about anything).  Last week, finally out of my fog, I sat down and asked myself some big questions about where I was with a lot of things in my life - myself, family, friends, and work.  And I made some decisions. Some were about me getting off my own ass.  Some were taken entirely out of my hands and I was forced to acknowledge them. 

Most people take stock of these things at the end of the year, but as a triathlete (we are such assholes, arent we - always gotta be switching things up - weeks start on Mondays, everyone has a birthday on January 1, and the "end of the year" is usually October or November) my year end was now. 

 The 2023 season starts December 19th, and I'm gonna need all my shit together, so this four week block is a big focus on all the things that I feel fell below the "line of suck" during my major build.  I'm a big fan of this way of looking at it - in life, you have so many different areas that you need to pay attention to - your physical health, your mental health, your relationships (family, friends), your obligations in terms of adulting (work, chores, paying bills) - that its impossible to always "be on top of" everything.  The trick is not to let anything get too far below the line of suck for too long.  

While I do a decent job of juggling as a whole, I had some major catch up to do at work - which I have been paying the piper back for in terms of paperwork and reporting.  Major household tasks and holiday prep that fell by the wayside (SO much cleaning and grocery shopping to do, along with "making christmas"). All the doctor's appointments in the world - and- shudder- the dentist (when gu is a major food group and you grind your teeth...well...lets just say my dentist might prefer I take up yoga).  But that's the easy stuff.  The hard stuff....was the people. 

Usually, I'll fall into a funk after an A race - which was not the case this time.  I have 2023 planned out, and while that's hit a few snags, (thanks Ironman)  I'll be ready to rock going into the new year to hopefully kick a little ass, doing what I love.  I'm good with that.  My proverbial shit hit the fan when I took a good look at the people I was surrounding myself with-  the ones that have been in my life for decades, years, or months.  And I needed to really look at a few things - where were they at, where was I at, and how did they fit into my life...if at all?

I tend to throw myself into things (duh, we know this).  A few years ago, one of my buddies (god, he's a pain in my ass) called me "highly suggestible".  And in Rae fashion, I took offense to it.  Then I thought about it and realized he was right (I hate when that happens).  And in the last 3 years, being highly suggestible has led me to some amazing things - even if it scares the shit out of me, I go for it.  It's led to some incredible highs and experiences that I'll never forget.

It's also led to me falling flat on my face.  After my last A race, one of my athletes commented on how
things just happen for me.  Spoiler alert - they don't.  I might showcase a funny, shit pulled together, all the workouts are easily, smiley race persona but - its hard work.  Sometimes I doubt myself.  Sometimes that tempo run is REALLY hard.  And sometimes those highly suggestible plans and people....well, I fall flat on my face and epically fail.  Not many people see the tears, but a few do - and I love them to bits for letting me show my weakness. 

After really thinking on it, I was able to identify some things I was doing and some people that just didn't belong in my life anymore.  Some have been around for a very long time and were really hard to let go of. Or at least - to alter how they fit into my life.  Without a doubt, there is nothing sadder than someone that you used to be close to...that is now basically a stranger.  For those of you that know me - I tend to go all in on something believing it to be the very best and take it at face value.  And - if I may- that's sorely bitten me in the ass this year more times than I can count.  I have two choices - I can either change me or change the situation, and since I like me, I've opted for the latter. Some - I had zero choice on - when someone walks out of your life, you have to shed a few tears, write a few letters you'll never send, then put on your big girl panties (well, if you wear underwear) and move the hell on. And some - well, you just need to reframe how you look at them and meet their energy.  There's nothing wrong with it - its life.  And now that my head's clearer, it was time. 

While I've "cut my bangs" a few times in the last week, I can't say I'm sorry I have.  They will either grow back...or they won't.  One of my mantras in the past few years is that every time I think I've figured it out - life surprises me.  I still laugh about it - things that I thought were in the past resurface.  Friends that I could have never imagine pop up.  I've learned to enjoy it all to the fullest and allow that it might not last.  But I'm pretty confident either way, I'll roll with it.  Some things were meant to occupy your life for just awhile, and some forever.  And there's a reason for everything, even if you don't know it at the time. 

I'm lucky enough to have both. This past Sunday, I met a newer friend "Dumpster Fire Dave" (really, do you need more than that??) for my first longish run since Philly.  On the way to the run, Siruis XM (free trial yasss) was playing the top 40 hits from 1989 and as I pulled into the Fairport Landing, Milli Vanilli's "Blame it on the Rain" came on.  As I was trying to get this ever loving SHIT off the radio, Dave called to tell me he was almost there and somehow he got put on speaker.  "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT??" He goes - laughing - as usual - at me.  I begged him to come save me from myself.

And he did.  Somehow in a run that was closer to 10 miles than the planned eight....and a trip up Loud Rd where there was a "little hill" (302 ft gain in 1.03 miles- I now have a new goal) - there were a lot of laughs, some yelling, and a lot of emotions as we worked our way through 80 minutes of running and two lattes post run.  Two giant fuck ups with a love of a certain amount of being uncomfortable, four letter words, and absolute no bullshit keeping it real with each other.  He somehow helped me screw my head on straight, pick myself up after this dumpster fire of the past few weeks, and leave me FINALLY feeing like myself after a month of floundering in my own headspace.  

And on my way home from the best Sunday I've had in five weeks (the last long run with Dave - coincidence?  Mayyybe) Sirius XM was once again on three hours later - apparently, cycling.  You know it.  As I drove through Penfield, Milli Vanilli once again reminded me to "Blame it on the Rain" - and of course I called Dave in hysterics, singing (lip synching?) like a damned fool.

Somehow he answered and two days later, is still speaking to me.  I think I've found a new friend.

And so we learn - that even though there are endings, whether its a season, or an experience, or a friendship - that they are beautiful and amazing in their own right. And if it ends - we gotta blame it on something....blame it on the rain, right?  (I'm sorry, please don't stop reading, I didn't turn on audio LOL)

There are always new adventures around the corner - and that some of those new adventures might turn out to be something pretty amazing.  2023....is going to be epic. I cannot wait to bring along some of the friends and experiences that have been so wonderful over the past year, years, decades....and to the new, beautiful ones that have just started and also the ones that await!