Amendment

 So, here's a curveball you didn't see coming.  It's time for a serious post.  I know, we don't do serious here, but I'm going to rely on a few things  - again, the concept of balance - and also - I can't stay silent about this one.

My post about the Roc tri felt a little forced, to be honest - I had it mostly ready to go, and planned to publish it Wednesday.  As I proofed it (and did a shitty job TBH) I hesitated on the "publish" button.  Why?  Eliza Fletcher. 

 As many of you know, the woman that disappeared last week during her morning run in Memphis was identified on Wednesday - I hate that word.  Identified.  You can't say found, because she wasn't really found - at least, not in the sense that gives anyone anything other than closure.  And while we don't have all the answers yet, it's pretty clear what happened - she, like so many of us, went out for an early morning run - was abducted, and killed.  

It makes me sick.  And I've been feeling heavy about life the past day because of it.  I'm mad, scared, horrified, and mad all over again.  I took the past few days to process it - I won't say I have fully - but on my ride yesterday, I started to conceptualize the  feeling in the pit of my stomach. 

Like Eliza, I'm a runner.  I'm a woman.  I'm a mom.  And I fit my training around my other life commitments.  Sometimes that's an early morning run - I've gone out at 3am to get a run done well before the sun comes up. Why?  It was the only time I could fit it in while being a boss, mom, wife and friend.  And I was perfectly fine with it. I thought nothing of it beyond getting my butt up, caffeinated, and being able to see and be seen. 

What did I wear?  Shorts and a sports bra. I don't think about what I'm wearing when I run beyond functionality and comfort- is there more to think about? I don't wear a lot in the summer - know why?  It's f*cking hot out\.  When it's dark, I wear my Nox vest - so I can see and cars can see me.  I don't carry mace - I'd be just as likely to accidentally set it off on myself (I know, thats a me problem, but i own it.)  I run with music,  one bud popped in to hear my surroundings - but I run with music because I like it.  And when I see a man running or walking the opposite direction, I wave.  When I go around one, I say hello.

Am I an idiot?  I don't know.  Maybe I am, or I'm sticking my head in the sand. It seems like this is happening more and more lately to women, and I have zero solutions for it. Is it happening to men and we just don't hear about it?  I don't know.  I would think not - but again, I don't know.

 I think about being a female in sport - and all I want is an equal shake at it.  I don't want to have to think about what I'm wearing to go run.  I don't want to have to think about the time of day I'm going.  I leave a note - just like Greg does, with my ETA  - but I like to decide on my route as I go. I want to be able to have music at a level where I can hear my surroundings - because I like running to music. I run to clear my head - and to think through problems. It's my therapy.  I run to train for races- because that's my hobby and I love it.  I don't run to have to think about what to do if I'm approached and live in fear of trying to decide if it's a safe time to run or if my clothing is appropriate.  I run to....run.

I train mostly with men.  I've spoken to some of them about this and they are just as sick as I am over it - but they also admit they can't live in my shoes - they don't fully get it - and they are right.  What's going on in my brain - and many women runner's brains right now - is foreign to them.  I train with men for several reasons - most of my friends are guys.....and most triathletes - are male.  They make me laugh, they help me go faster, and they don't put up with any bullshit.  If I'm slower than them I either go faster to keep up if its a zooms workout or I do my own thing.  On a group workout, we all keep pace decided prior to the workout.  Nothing special, nothing extra, and no favors because I wear a sports bra.

 I have zero problems with the fact that it's a male dominated sport, and actually get frustrated when artificial incentives are given to women to participate.  I want an equal playing field.  That's all. No  special treatment because I'm a woman just - the same race and the same expectations.  I appreciate competing against women because we all compete against our own sex and age group, which seems fair.  But I want the same race, the same expectation, and the same settings.  I'm a triathlete - let's go!

As I sat last night with my daughter in our family room, I snuggled her tight.  I'm not sure how to explain to her what's going on in this world - especially this year.  I want to tell her she should live life fearlessly and without boundaries, but there are limitations being set down in the current environment that prohibit that.  And it's sad.  As I held her, my eyes roved to our "Racing Wall" that stores our plaques, medals and race accomplishments.  My gaze landed on an award I won for a race.  It said "1st overall female".  Cool . I bet the male winner's plaque said "1st overall male".  Which is accurate. The one next to it said...."1st Overall - ladies race".  I bet....the men's race did not denote "gentleman". I bet it said.... "Ist overall - men.  Or male."   And that's...a problem.  A microcosm, yes, but a problem.

How to address it?  I don't know.  When I was out riding yesterday, I saw about 20 people out on their bikes as well- and all of them were men except for one.  What did I think about this?  Two things:  It was awesome to see riders, and I waved, as they did, and we smiled our mutual understanding of people out getting in a great bike ride - and two - I wasn't afraid of them.  It never occurred to me that it was a problem that there weren't more women out riding - just as it never occurred to me that the men were a threat.

Its a lose lose situation right now - for both men and women.  This morning was the event to "finish Eliza's run" and I was... torn.  It was at 5:20am and the run distance - 8.2 miles. You could do it anywhere.  One of our local running clubs  sponsored an event to run 5 miles at 5:20am. That's awesome.  It's also downtown, and not conducive to my morning commitments.

 I wanted too head out my front door at 5:20am and go for a run to honor Eliza and "finish her run".  Then it occurred to me that it might be stupid to do so alone and in the dark. I wondered - should I ask a guy friend to run with me? Wait, what?? No! That....got me mad all over again.  Why should I have to do that?  What's the right answer?  I don't know.  I talked it over with my best friend, who has the most level head on his shoulders that I know and he reminded me that...this was something that could happen anytime.  Anywhere.  And that if I wanted to run at 5:20am to show my support, solidarity, and we run to run spirit....then I should.  I love that man to bits, and he was right.

So this morning I woke up, donned my Nox vest, and wore my pink sports bra and....ran for Eliza.  Alone. Just me...the stars, and a few other bikers  out doing there own thing.  I ran to... finish her run.  Because she is me.  She is every runner, out there, doing what they love, for the love of the sport.  And that's what I'm going to tell my daughter.  #finishelizasrun.