Ironman Training block #2 : The Middle

Well, hello friends!  It's about time for a little Ironman recon - I'm absolutely late for a block #2 recon (Jan 24-Feb 20) but since this is my show, my rules, I'm still gonna do it.  (Thanks for hanging in there with me)

Going into this block, I was super amped - I had a wildly successful block #1 and was riding a high on the whole thing - I felt amazing physically and was mentally focused, and emotionally ready to go slay 140.6!  

What's that saying, make plans and God laughs? Seems accurate now.  As any of you that regularly read my blog or follow my Facebook bullshit know a little bit about the month of February - namely, what kind of shit show it was.  Seemed like everything just sort of smacked me in the face - work, family, and other interpersonal stuff - and my ability to juggle it all spectacularly collapsed.  Usually I can train through this stuff as a stress relief, but this time I was not as lucky - along with all the mental stress, the second week into the block, my training took a turn for shit and started to suck as well.

When I say suckage, there was a level of suckage that fluctuated - most days I got the required amount of work in, but anything having to do with intensity I spectacularly failed at.  Off of block 1 I had a new FTP and could hit none of the paces for tempo or V02 max.  I bailed on two speedwork sessions for the run, and became the Queen of slow, easy work - when I could handle it.

I'd like to say I handled this with grace and looked at the big picture, but I don't make a habit of lying to you - the whole concept of this blog is an honest snapshot of wannabe athlete of a certain age (lol) trying to navigate the whole messy process of life.  So let's take a look in depth of what a true shit block looks like...and what to do about it. 

Physical

Going into block two, I felt reasonably decent - rested after recovery week and ready to rock.  I nailed my paces in week one then completely blew most of them in weeks two and three.  My long stuff equally suffered - one long ride was cut short due to a life emergency (now sort of resolved) and one long run interrupted due to weather and begrudgingly finished on the treadmill.  My intense work began to suffer in weeks two and three - I could not wrap my mind around a totally normal run speedwork set (kilometer repeats) and blew it two weeks in a row.  For my V02 max work on the bike, I would nail it for the first minute then die the second minute.  Was it my new FTP?  Lack of sleep?  Life stress?  Less of a desire for eyes on the prize?  Well, the last three are all mental and emotional, but for the first piece, I'm not sure.  At the time I felt like I could give no more, but as I was conceptually aware (post tantrum throwing) that physical and mental work together, I reverted to "just get the time in" for this block.  I'm fortunate in the fact that my first A race is not a high intensity race, and for Ironman training, base trumps speed.  It was, in fact, the only thing I could tell myself to feel any better about the situation whatsoever.

Mental

This was my key player.  When life hands you a lemon, you can possibly make lemonade gu and work through it.  However, when there's a gigantic lemon tree in your front yard producing a bumper crop, after awhile - you catch as many lemons as you can and then dodge the rest.  Such was training.  No loner could I shelf a problem and go for a run, or even work the problem out during the run.  It was a logistical nightmare to try to map out the training and I went into most sessions being depleted - of either sleep, nutrients, or the ability to focus on the execution of the workout.  And this was really very evident.  After many, many, struggling thoughts of WTF is wrong with me, I finally gave up and said to myself....self (and I knew it was me, cause I recognized my voice) you are doing the best you can.  Its February.  You have almost four months to go.  Take the setback now, do the best you can, and work through this block.  If it still sucks next block, we can talk about it then.  But now...one step. at. a. time.

And once my kinder self took over, I embraced that strategy and limped through the block.

Emotional

In this case, most of my emotions tended to align with my mental state - which was completely hopeless.  I talked to a friend of mine about the process and he asked a key question - Did I still want to do Ironman?  Or was I burned out?  and I unequivocally answered "of COURSE I want to do it" and had no qualms.  I wish I could say this came about in the beginning of the block - it didn't - but once I had that answered, I remembered my purpose.  I took a little break from my kick ass run playlist and played some old throwbacks - including one from my college days - Jimmy Eat World's "The Middle" - and this became my anthem for the rest of the block

Hey, don't write yourself off yet

Its only in your head you feel that odds are looked down on

Just try your best - try everything you can

.....

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle

And that reminded me - hey - you're trying your best.  It's ok.  You're doing all you can.  And In week 6....7....of a 24 week plan....you're (not even) in the middle.  Get this shit out of the way THEN go kick some ass when it matters!

***

Once my recovery week came along, I was more than ready for it.  It was a week pre winter break, where my mom was scheduled for surgery (she is in physio rehab now and ok), both kids were off school (yay for enough vacation to cover childcare needs) and a bunch of work went wild.  I took the week to step back from training and into life and hit Block 3 on February 21 with all the verve and a clean slate, ready to rock.

How did it go?  You'll find out in two weeks, but let's just say....a shake up was never a bad thing, and sometimes the motto really is....two steps forward and one step back.  Either way, its relentless forward progress. (An excellent book, in case you were looking for one!)

Cheerleader

 Wow.  Just...wow.  Sometimes you sit down and put things into the ether and wonder...is there anyone out there actually reading?  Does this mean anything to anyone? 

And yes....yes, you are.  The amount of responses I've gotten via text, Facebook, and phone about my last post are...staggering.  And they really come down to two main camps:

1.  Girl, are you ok???  Let's talk.  Sorry I've been so busy dealing with my own seven million things - I'm there.  Let's go sledding, have a glass of wine or scream together in an open field.  

2.  Girl....same.  Same.  Luisa was made to make us realize that we ALL are going through this shit - we are all completely overwhelmed and no, it's not all sunshine and rainbows.  This shit is HARD.  And I'm also struggling, too.

For those of you in camp 1 - I love you guys.  Really, I do.  I'm not jumping off a bridge and even though I'm totally overwhelmed with life, this was not a cry for help.  It was an honest assessment of where I'm at and, quite frankly, the necessary prerequisite for some much needed change in my life.  This is where it starts.  And I would LOVE to catch up on the phone (yes, even though I jest, I do talk on the phone), go play in the snow, or have a beer.  I also want to hear about YOU, give YOU a hug, and remember how even in all the mess of the world right now that we have each other.  Even though its been days, months or even years, we do have each other. 

For those of you in camp 2 - I feel ya.  Really, I do. I'm aware that as the requisite shit poster on Facebook, all you ever see from me are crazy memes, kiddo pics, and annoying posts on how I went out and did so many damned miles at o crazy time.  It's easy to assume that I have all my shit together and this post was also meant to show that...I don't.  It's easy to post things through rose colored glasses or goofy things but - I don't have it all together.  And...it's ok if you don't either.  Let's lean on each other and have that drink, throw snowballs, or help each other out when we can.  This shit is HARD.  We are stressed, we are overwhelmed, and I am here if you need me.  I love you!

Either way, its given me plenty of food for thought about mental health and the idea of cheerleaders.  I mentioned it last post, and I'll say it again - especially right now, we all need them. Cheerleaders.  Possibly the males reading this post are envisioning cute little skirts and hey, whatever floats your boat - but for the rest of us, what I mean is...someone that encourages you, supports you, and wants you to succeed. 

I used to go through life just assuming everyone was in my corner - now that I'm a bit older (perhaps not that much wiser TBH) I realize that's not necessarily the case.  But I also am learning that I really do have those special cheerleaders out there that really, really want to see me succeed.  Some of them show up when I least expect it, some are there when I really am ready to throw in the towel, and some of them are always quietly there for me.

They are special people.  For the longest time, I also felt like I had to be a cheerleader for them as well.  And as I continue to go through this crazy rollercoaster, I'm learning that that isn't always true either - there are some people that cheer me on and are there for me that have their own cheerleaders or don't need that from me in our relationship.  Likewise, I have some excellent friends that I am a cheerleader for that I don't go to when the goin' gets rough.  They are such fantastic people in so many other areas of my life and are EXCELLENT friends, but that's not their role in my life.

And that's ok.  Any great relationship is never going to be equal on all fronts - as long as it balances out with the give and take in the end and you both feel like your life is better for having them in it - that's phenomenal.  Sometimes they evolve and those relationships are kept, and sometimes they dissipate as the world changes and we change.  

Either way, especially right now - when we are all feeling so much, so much of the time, and it's hard to see out of it - give yourself grace.  And deep breaths.  And even as someone that's feeling that surface pressure so hard core right now - I know - we WILL get through this. Even if it doesn't look like we thought it would, or we come out the other end a little bit different (which, to be honest, isn't always a bad thing) we will. 

And I'm here for you.  Truly.  I'm sending out love, hugs and that invitation for coffee, wine, beer, runs, or a hug.  I love you all. 

Surface Pressure

One of the best parts about having kiddos is definitely the cool pint sized culture perks.  You grown ups can have your craft beer, comedy clubs and new clothes.  I'll take sizzle water (Rob's name for seltzer), my running hoodies, and Disney.  namely, Encanto.  This movie's been all the rage among the littles for the past few weeks, and while there are certainly people we don't talk about whose names begin with the letter "B", there are definitely  characters we DO talk about.  Like Mirabel - Rob identifies with her and likes her better than any other Disney character.  Me?  I'm in love with Luisa.

This "muscle lady" is unlike any other female character I've ever seen Disney put out and I am absolutely obsessed with her.  She's the requisite "strong one" of the family - not only handling all the heavy lifting of objects, but...all of the heavy lifting.  Her anthem "Surface Pressure" is one of the most relatable Disney songs I've ever heard in my life - I found myself playing it on repeat for my long run last week and jamming out and nodding with every beat.  She sings about the crushing weight of expectations, worries about carrying it all, no mistakes - just pressure, and how people never have to wonder if the same pressure would have pulled them under.  

Typical.  Uplifting a bunch of asses.

Guys, I feel like she's singing to me.  And I'm sure so many people feel the same way - fellow parents, bosses, athletes, all of us.  And, especially this week - it really got me thinking - how do you deal with all that surface pressure?

Answer?  You don't.  And the past week has absolutely taught me that.  I usually am on here talking about digging deep and getting it done, making jokes about when the going gets tough and touting the mantra that "you CAN do it!"

But sometimes...you can't.  You just can't.  There is, in fact, a line of "suck" in your life and there's no way that everything can always be wonderful all the time.  And I think most of us accept that - even as reticent as we can be to admit that our healthy diets get derailed by a busy week with takeout, our training goals sidelined by a sinus infection, or our perfect family and personal life balance takes a dive with a call that tanks your life at 10:00am on a Monday.  It happens.  And we move on.

But sometimes - that surface pressure - makes you crack.  And you need to step back and say, "Guess what, I can't do it all" - and hand the ropes off to someone else - or just flat out walk away.

This was that week for me.  I was the one with the sinus infection - which made me feel like crap.  I got the call at 10:00am Monday that completely threw us as a family, as parents, and as far as life goes in the near future.  I finally called the audible at work after keeping quiet about my struggles for years.  And I was in fact reminded that the idea that people are good - even ones I consider friends - isn't always the case.  

It's been a hell of a past six days.  For some of it, I could find a way to pivot - my speedwork became a tempo run, my long ride became...not so long.  A pool session derailed by weather became an easy run.  Fine.  I'm not a damned pro and my A race isn't for four months - swim, bike, run might be my sanity saver, but even I know when a workout isn't in my best interest.

For most of it though....I couldn't pivot.  I've cried more in the past week than I have in the past year.  I've said things to people I never dreamed I would have the nerve to.  And I've put my head in my hands so many times and wondered what, exactly, the hell I'm doing with my life.  

It's been....awful.

But...lest I dwell on that portion...I've also really found out who is in my corner.  Some of these angels have shown me time and time again that they really are there for me, no matter what.  Some of them, I never expected it from.  And while I spent most of today in a people coma, trying to breathe out of my nose and just be still and recover....and not have to fix any problems for once....I remind myself that even though the surface pressure is there and I feel like I'm going to crack....I do have people to catch me when I fall.  And even if I identify with Luisa...Mirabel, who is struggling to find her place in life...does so with her family.  And even though half my "family" isn't related by blood - they are 100% there for me.  And I'm so grateful.

So - here's hoping some of this settles.  One thing I'm learning, slowly but surely, is I can't do it all.  And....I don't want to.  Finally admitting that has been a pretty huge relief and while I have no idea what's in store, that surface pressure is abating.  I don't have to juggle it all.