It has to be said. It doesn't matter what I blog - I've always been honest, real, and unafraid to express things to you guys. What I forget sometimes is how very okay it is to flat out admit I'm struggling with things that I convince myself aren't struggle worthy. Yet, every time I pour out my heart on this blog with my failures....you guys catch me. Your words of support mean the world to me, and I sincerely appreciate you. Thank you.
After last weekend's massive setback, I took a little time away. Time off from running. Time away from certain stressors (well, the ones that allowed me to take a break - still gotta pay the bills, y'all!) and a lot of time for self reflection. I allowed myself the space to be honest about a few things in life I had been either sticking my head in the sand about or coping with in horrible ways ( lack of attention to diet, sleeping, overtraining, and basically sabotaging the ability to be my best me). I realized that my tunnel vision was really hurting me - I can't control what this dumpster fire of a year throws at me. But i certainly can control the way I react to it.
I've often wondered if 2020 was really here for a reason. Instead of being one shit show or another....was it meant to teach us mental toughness? Humility? Better communication? Flexibility? (Basically, this is one whole Friends Episode of the "One where they Pivot", right?) What was it??
I feel like I've spent the whole year with one mantra...."Well that didn't f*cking work".". Every time I feel like I have a handle on something, it changes. And finally, running changed. It was no longer what I remembered and loved so much. It was a chore. A "Do I have to?"
That...scared me. For the past fifteen years, running has been my mainstay. I realize I am so darn lucky to do it. But hell if I wanted to.
So, I waited. I started to notice little things that I hadn't in the past few months. Upon hearing of my crappy race, I had a few friends step in and make me smile right away. They offered hope and love, and a way for me to look forward to something. That was amazing. I reconnected with some old friends that I had lost touch with. I started chatting with some of the people that made my early 2019 so amazing....it's crazy to think that was less than two years ago....when the world was different, all hopes lie ahead, and I felt unstoppable.
I realized a few things, guys. I realized that I had totally forgotten the sheer giddiness of a fun run - of going out there and (yes, sorry) doing those big scary things with a sense of adventure and the knowledge that I might fail. I had attached way too much pressure on myself this year - in a year that really couldn't take any more. And while you can certainly turn coal into a diamond with the right amount of pressure, I forgot that the process requires a certain amount of heat and cooling to be successful.
The seed was planted. I went five days with absolutely no desire to change anything....just to step back, think, and analyze (yes, with science. If you got that, I'm proud). It was complete kismet that on Friday my friend Boots (yes, that awesome RD and Fleet Feet owner) texted me to see if I was interested in the new Saucony Ride Thanksgiving day shoes. I've never been a themed shoe runner. I actually hate Thanksgiving (this is another story). But for some reason.....I wanted these shoes. I saw the fun design, the fall colors, and the concept of being thankful....it was exactly the right tone I needed the most. I made the split second decision to "regret nothing and buy the shoes" (such a girl) and immediately formed a plan. These were my new November shoes. It was time for a change.
Years ago, I started an "attitude of gratitude" for the month of November. The idea was to remember all month the things that I was grateful for in my life. One a day, if you will. THIS is the part of Thanksgiving I love, and I feel always gets missed in the massive orgy of food and Christmas shopping. The fact that we really do have so much to be happy for in our lives.
I don't know a year where we need it more. Today, on November 1, I laced up my shoes for the first time since my race and went out on a race to once again, enjoy life. I knew I was grateful for every step. And for the first mile, I ran with a smile on my face. At mile 1, I saw another runner approaching and got my friendly wave on. As he got closer, I realized it was my friend "Ironman Joe" who I swam for years with at the Downtown Fitness Club during my first Ironman days....2008-2012! I've seen him out riding since I moved to Webster, but never on a run. I went to school with his kids. We acted in the theatre guild. His wife directed our productions. This family is amazing and I haven't had a chance to chat with Joe in a decade. I immediately ditched my run and turned around with him - he was in the middle of a long run and welcomed the company to chat on a three mile stretch. He apologized for his pace, which was slower and run/walk. Did I care? Not at all! My whole goal was easy, comfy, and happy. It was the perfect and I came home with the biggest smile on my face and a spring in my step that had zilch to do with pace, HR, cadence or distance. I had found my running zen again.
Today's thanks could be about great friends (which I have such an abundance of in a variety of ways - I love you guys). It could be about being thankful for running. But today is about....being grateful for chances. For serendipity - things that are beneficial and happy that happen purely by chance.
Serendipity is such a beautiful thing, and I believe we often don't think much of it. Of when life gives us the opportunity to take a chance. When we make a leap. Ditch a plan and jump to something that randomly comes our way. I think of the many things that I would have missed out on in my life if I went about my way with what made sense at the time. My husband...and obviously my kids! Many of my close friends. Definitely my athletic career. Our recent move. I often find that this whole "the best things happen when we aren't looking for them" idea shapes my life in ways that I forget are some of the most important.
Too often I get caught in a tailspin of expectations that might not go the way I planned....especially for someone that so often enjoys "the plan". It's a great idea to put in the work. To be ready to go. But often...the things that make me laugh, gasp in awe, and blow me away were all happening when I didn't march forward and force them to happen - I just....lived.
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