So....I'm still here. In case you were worried... I did not, in fact, pack it all up and move to Tahiti after my last post. I thought about it though. Not gonna lie. The drama of January continued right until it's sorry end yesterday, when thankfully we closed the door on that miserable month and can now properly begin 2020. Whew. It seems, in fact, there was some sort of full moon for the entire damned month - there is not a single person I know who didn't look at January and go "What the f*ck was THAT??"
I suppose that should be comfort.
It really wasn't. But, thankfully, its over. And while 2020 did not have the most auspicious start, I'm confident that it still will be a damned fabulous year. Let's do this.
This. Spot on. In 2020, it seems that the issues have come fast and furious from so many different areas. That can't be helped. Sometimes people get sick, work sucks, the kids have school issues, your training isn't going well, and friends and family members are not the supportive loving units you hope.
I can't control that. What I can control is what I decide to battle over. And I led swinging into so many battles in January it not only completely defeated me, it robbed me of any joy, inertia, or the desire to do anything really. I was defeated. And it totally sucked. And unlike 2019, I think the combo of the January funk, the moods of the people around me, and general life malaise just sapped any energy I had to feel any better about anything.
Yesterday, as fate would have it, I snapped. One too many things went wrong with my world, and the one piece that I had left - my escape hatch - my training - crapped the bed. I wasn't injured. I wasn't physically hurt. My mental state had so far gone that the simplest things - actually remembering what ride I was supposed to do (and having to stop mid way because I'm an idiot and can't read time properly) - or the fact that I could not, in fact, breathe underwater - completely escaped me. It. sucked.
So first, keep in mind, right now most of my problems right now are admittedly first world - but they are the proverbial straw that broke the camels back. Nothing is "easy" these days. I know that in life, there will always be things above the "line of suck" - places we excel at. I also know that there will inevitably be things that fall below the line and well....suck. So if you are having a kick ass time at work and with your kids.....your marriage might be going through a rough time and you have no time to workout or eat well. Life happens. The trick is.....not to let too much fall below the line of suck...or the same things for too long. It's ok to immerse yourself in work for a big project and then pick back up on running later. It's also ok to train for an ultra and let a few things slide for a time. But it's MOST important to not let the big things fall below the line for too long - family, friends, and your health. I'm glad to say that I never let it get too far - but there were times when those hovered below the line....too far below the line. And lately, it was mostly my health taking a toll - my emotional and mental health hit a new low this past month - and with the help of simple carbs and other shitty junk food, my physical health was going with it. Yikes. That stuff adds up.
I have no magic bullet to fix any of these things. But, as always, I am somehow damned lucky enough to have amazing people in my life that step in just when I need them the most. Luckily, this time around, I was able to get back on my own two feet with a few things - a hefty swing up from wonderful friends and a new mindset.
Yesterday, when I hit rock bottom, one of my buddies patiently listened as I bawled to him about all of my life "problems"...without a word, he just sat and listened as I vented. I heard none of "this too shall pass" crap, or any life advice (he really is a good egg, despite all the shit I give him). At the end of it, he took a deep breath and said "Rae...you're training...no....you're in the middle of an ironman. Right now, this is an intense spot in your life and it's the part when it's not if something's going to go wrong....it will. You are not out of the woods yet. You haven't even hit the marathon. You're on the bike. You're spinning out. Keep your head in the game, your heart in the game, push through that marathon, and as always, you will come out the other side stronger.". Damn. All the feels there. And he's right. I hit the dark spot that every athlete hits at some point during the Ironman - and relying on my strategy of mental fixes was what was going to get me out. But how do I do that? Last year - the "Big Scary" year - reminded me that shit can be frightening, but I can do it. I'm past that year. And my self proclaimed mantra of "Clear Vision" was not only the hallmark shtick card of 2020, it didn't fit. How was I going to get where I needed to??
I should know better to answer that one alone. While my one buddy gave me an arm up to find the answers, another one actually gave me the answer, they just didn't know it. As always, in the course of inside jokes, nicknames, and anything worth holding onto, the 2020 mantra came out of pure happenstance. It's simply put. Keep Going.
When you want to to quit. When it seems hard. When it's 5am and time to swim. When you got no sleep and are surviving a presentation on 3 cups of coffee and sheer will. When the school calls you for the millionth time that week. When you get into a giant fight with your co-worker and have to keep the tears out of your voice so you don't seem weak. When you let go of a relationship that you've held onto for too long because it isn't healthy anymore.
You. Just. Keep. Going.
And while this particular mantra was passed off in the most casual, joking, random way, I woke up this morning with it right behind my eyes, ready. I got on my bike, which has been extremely aggressive and power based lately - its my kryptonite in the multi sport world, so under the guidance of my coach, we are fixing it. Today's ride featured four 8 minute segments and near full power, with 4 speed bursts in each set at 200% power. I had slept for 4 hours. I ate like shit last night. My anxiety woke me up in a cold sweat at 3am, and I had not been back to sleep since. I looked the workout dead in the eyes and got on my bike (snacks by the wayside to toss at kids, since I was on parenting duty). And I kept going.
Every time it got hard, I would repeat the words "Keep Going. Keep Going. Keep Going". It wasn't an option. There was no calling a halt. No bailing. No words to indicate "stop" in my vocab. None of that shit. Just. keep. going.
I climbed off the bike with a grin on my face and for the first time in a long time, a smile in my heart. It's not the end of the Ironman - I still have ways to go before my life will calm down. But I have the the will to move forward. A shift in mindset. A deep breath.
I suppose that should be comfort.
It really wasn't. But, thankfully, its over. And while 2020 did not have the most auspicious start, I'm confident that it still will be a damned fabulous year. Let's do this.
I also think I figured out the problem - a hangover from 2019, in fact.
This. Spot on. In 2020, it seems that the issues have come fast and furious from so many different areas. That can't be helped. Sometimes people get sick, work sucks, the kids have school issues, your training isn't going well, and friends and family members are not the supportive loving units you hope.
I can't control that. What I can control is what I decide to battle over. And I led swinging into so many battles in January it not only completely defeated me, it robbed me of any joy, inertia, or the desire to do anything really. I was defeated. And it totally sucked. And unlike 2019, I think the combo of the January funk, the moods of the people around me, and general life malaise just sapped any energy I had to feel any better about anything.
Yesterday, as fate would have it, I snapped. One too many things went wrong with my world, and the one piece that I had left - my escape hatch - my training - crapped the bed. I wasn't injured. I wasn't physically hurt. My mental state had so far gone that the simplest things - actually remembering what ride I was supposed to do (and having to stop mid way because I'm an idiot and can't read time properly) - or the fact that I could not, in fact, breathe underwater - completely escaped me. It. sucked.
So first, keep in mind, right now most of my problems right now are admittedly first world - but they are the proverbial straw that broke the camels back. Nothing is "easy" these days. I know that in life, there will always be things above the "line of suck" - places we excel at. I also know that there will inevitably be things that fall below the line and well....suck. So if you are having a kick ass time at work and with your kids.....your marriage might be going through a rough time and you have no time to workout or eat well. Life happens. The trick is.....not to let too much fall below the line of suck...or the same things for too long. It's ok to immerse yourself in work for a big project and then pick back up on running later. It's also ok to train for an ultra and let a few things slide for a time. But it's MOST important to not let the big things fall below the line for too long - family, friends, and your health. I'm glad to say that I never let it get too far - but there were times when those hovered below the line....too far below the line. And lately, it was mostly my health taking a toll - my emotional and mental health hit a new low this past month - and with the help of simple carbs and other shitty junk food, my physical health was going with it. Yikes. That stuff adds up.
I have no magic bullet to fix any of these things. But, as always, I am somehow damned lucky enough to have amazing people in my life that step in just when I need them the most. Luckily, this time around, I was able to get back on my own two feet with a few things - a hefty swing up from wonderful friends and a new mindset.
Yesterday, when I hit rock bottom, one of my buddies patiently listened as I bawled to him about all of my life "problems"...without a word, he just sat and listened as I vented. I heard none of "this too shall pass" crap, or any life advice (he really is a good egg, despite all the shit I give him). At the end of it, he took a deep breath and said "Rae...you're training...no....you're in the middle of an ironman. Right now, this is an intense spot in your life and it's the part when it's not if something's going to go wrong....it will. You are not out of the woods yet. You haven't even hit the marathon. You're on the bike. You're spinning out. Keep your head in the game, your heart in the game, push through that marathon, and as always, you will come out the other side stronger.". Damn. All the feels there. And he's right. I hit the dark spot that every athlete hits at some point during the Ironman - and relying on my strategy of mental fixes was what was going to get me out. But how do I do that? Last year - the "Big Scary" year - reminded me that shit can be frightening, but I can do it. I'm past that year. And my self proclaimed mantra of "Clear Vision" was not only the hallmark shtick card of 2020, it didn't fit. How was I going to get where I needed to??
I should know better to answer that one alone. While my one buddy gave me an arm up to find the answers, another one actually gave me the answer, they just didn't know it. As always, in the course of inside jokes, nicknames, and anything worth holding onto, the 2020 mantra came out of pure happenstance. It's simply put. Keep Going.
When you want to to quit. When it seems hard. When it's 5am and time to swim. When you got no sleep and are surviving a presentation on 3 cups of coffee and sheer will. When the school calls you for the millionth time that week. When you get into a giant fight with your co-worker and have to keep the tears out of your voice so you don't seem weak. When you let go of a relationship that you've held onto for too long because it isn't healthy anymore.
You. Just. Keep. Going.
Every time it got hard, I would repeat the words "Keep Going. Keep Going. Keep Going". It wasn't an option. There was no calling a halt. No bailing. No words to indicate "stop" in my vocab. None of that shit. Just. keep. going.
And I totally did.
I climbed off the bike with a grin on my face and for the first time in a long time, a smile in my heart. It's not the end of the Ironman - I still have ways to go before my life will calm down. But I have the the will to move forward. A shift in mindset. A deep breath.
And, of course, with a song. Who actually knew something simple would be a song?
You'll keep going on, cause it's what you've always done.
Damned right I will. 2020 - Keep Going. No bailouts.
It's time to take a deep breath, stare it right in the eyes, and keep going.
And with that - Happy New Year to everyone. It's gonna be a FANTASTIC YEAR.
I'm ready to tackle this year - let's do this!
Rae, you've got this. Sometimes life sucks, but you just keep swimming. I'm proud of your attitude and your determination. If you want to talk, or just vent, call anytime
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