I swear, I didn't forget this post. It seems with the end of tri season 2019, life intervened with a vengeance, and I haven't really found the time or dedication to give this post the attention it deserved. I mean, this is the Zenith, baby. The post season pulling together of my months of pithy rambling on this whole "I jumped off a cliff and did scary things" experiment. I know. You are on the edge of your seat.....
In case you missed it, part 1 and part 2 of our adventures in this mini series dealt with with the pinnacle race of the 2019 season, Barrelman 70.3. You can go back and read it, but if you want the cliff's notes - I came, I saw, I effed it up a bit, rallied, and conquered with a finish time of 5:18 - a new shiny PR of a day and a fabulous end to tri season 2019.
Which was the whole basis of my year. The pretty part that everyone gets to see is... I laid siege on the race course circuit this year - with run PRs in 5 mile, 10k, half marathon and marathon. On the tri side, PR's in both the Olympic and Half Ironman distance. Significant, "revisiting my whole mindset as an athlete PR's". It's been mind blowing, to say the least, to see what I'm capable of.
It, without a doubt, answered a few questions I had going into the year- namely, do I still love racing? YES. Do I still want to be a triathlete? DOUBLE YES. (I sure hope so, or the Ironman I signed up for in 2020 was a huge mistake). Did I have FUN? Absolutely.
So, was the whole big, scary goals thing a success? Partially. And there's the one you didn't see coming. How could I not define this year as a total success? Well, I'm oh so glad you asked! (I know, you didn't. Humor me, people. You clicked on the damned link to read this crap).
So, the last few weeks have been tough for me. I got out of what was undoubtedly the best race season I have ever had in my life, and I went through the predictable stages of post-season bullshit - wanting to race all the races to ride the high of success, dealing with post season sluggishness and failed workouts, and getting totally restless with the "whats next". I planned fall races with my friends. I planned 2020 races with my friends. I tried to take some time off (and found out rather quickly that my definition of "time off" wasn't quite the same as how other people define it. Whoops). I then over reacted to that and started training again. I failed at every workout that was pre-defined for me and got really pissy about it, reacting with the grace of a 4 year old.
So then, I stepped back. And with the help of my awesome circle (I do not deserve the friends I have) I found the answer. Oddly enough, one of my newer buddies, who has not only been epically supportive of all my training craziness and other life woes craziness, gave me the answer. He just didn't know it. In one of our conversations about racing and 2020 goals, he let me know he had read my blog for all of 2019 in an effort to get to know me better. I thought that was pretty sweet of him, and the other night when insomnia reared its head at 3am, I decided why the hell not, and started reading...my own story of 2019.
Guys, do you ever look back at your life and go WTF. How did I miss that? I sat there for over an hour, reading through the words I had penned months earlier- and had two thoughts.
1. I'm kinda funny, with a total twist of sarcasm and self deprecating humor that is mildly entertaining. I can see why all 5 of you read this stuff (or you are just that bored. Either way, you're welcome).
2. I'm a total idiot. Legit 100% that horror story chick that runs straight into the biggest mess ever where the bad guy is waiting to slash her to bits. As I read through my entries, I desperately wanted to just shake the protagonist (that would be me) and go ....Rae - you moron!!! Don't do that!!!! You're gonna regret that decision!
But. Hindsight is hindsight for a reason, right? And because I like to broadcast all my stupid life choices (well, ok, most of them) on the internet, I was able to look back at exactly where I went wrong. And I'm not sorry I did it. Lesson learned.
Oddly enough, it was January 1. (And here I thought I was oh so damned good at the New Years resolutions!) Nope. When I revisited this post, I knew my real intention was to take who I was and to look at the places where I was getting in my own way of being the best me I could be. But I forgot. That I'm not so bad as I was. How did I forget I was good enough in so many ways? In my whole "Big Scary Goals" year, I went out of my way to do intimidating things. To try new things that I never would have even thought to have the guts to do. Basically, I threw myself out there.
And it was awesome. Eye Opening. Really indicative of what I can do if I put my mind to it.
But it was also a lot. Throughout the year, I had friends and family that remarked "I don't know how you do it". Admittedly, they were looking at the one specific area of my life that I was excelling at through rose colored glasses. And they were right. I don't know either. But the real answer is.....you can't do it all. You can lay it down in only so many areas, and they definitely come at the price of others. And without even knowing it, I forgot about many of the areas of my life that are pretty damned great to begin with. And over the past month, I've made it a point to do that - whether its time with family, my friends I haven't seen in forever, exploring other hobbies I had totally forgotten, or planning some crazy moves in other areas of my life for 2020 (yes, more on that in time), I've stepped back to really look at who I was, where I've come, and where I want to go in 2020. But this time, I'm gonna remember that I'm walking into it with a pretty hefty aresenal of areas that I really feel good about and that are absolutely way more than "good enough"....they are damned fantastic.
Do I regret any choices I made this year? Absolutely not. Our life choices define us and we either learn and grow from them or we run from them. And even though running has totally been a large part of my life over the past 9 months, it has decidedly been running toward things full tilt - and either crashing and burning or learning to run higher, faster, or farther....and most importantly, with all the excitement and enthusiasm that life has to offer at every hill, valley and twisty turn..
It's been a full year. And I can say one thing. I truly lived this year. Head up, eyes open, and unafraid to make any mistakes. To be vulnerable. To look foolish. And I learned exactly who was my soft place to land when I made those mistakes. And who wasn't.
And who was in my life for a reason...a season, or.... hopefully.... for a lifetime.
Oddly enough, I didn't find inspiration from Imagine Dragons for this post - it was One Republic. f you roll your eyes at all my songs and move on, I respect that. But if you listen to one song, this should be it.
If I can say anything about this year, I lived. There are just over 2 months left in the year, and I expect to embrace it just as fully as I have the first nine and a half. Just with a little more gratitude and a little less with an eye on what looks like greener grass on the other side of the fence.
In case you missed it, part 1 and part 2 of our adventures in this mini series dealt with with the pinnacle race of the 2019 season, Barrelman 70.3. You can go back and read it, but if you want the cliff's notes - I came, I saw, I effed it up a bit, rallied, and conquered with a finish time of 5:18 - a new shiny PR of a day and a fabulous end to tri season 2019.
Which was the whole basis of my year. The pretty part that everyone gets to see is... I laid siege on the race course circuit this year - with run PRs in 5 mile, 10k, half marathon and marathon. On the tri side, PR's in both the Olympic and Half Ironman distance. Significant, "revisiting my whole mindset as an athlete PR's". It's been mind blowing, to say the least, to see what I'm capable of.
It, without a doubt, answered a few questions I had going into the year- namely, do I still love racing? YES. Do I still want to be a triathlete? DOUBLE YES. (I sure hope so, or the Ironman I signed up for in 2020 was a huge mistake). Did I have FUN? Absolutely.
So, the last few weeks have been tough for me. I got out of what was undoubtedly the best race season I have ever had in my life, and I went through the predictable stages of post-season bullshit - wanting to race all the races to ride the high of success, dealing with post season sluggishness and failed workouts, and getting totally restless with the "whats next". I planned fall races with my friends. I planned 2020 races with my friends. I tried to take some time off (and found out rather quickly that my definition of "time off" wasn't quite the same as how other people define it. Whoops). I then over reacted to that and started training again. I failed at every workout that was pre-defined for me and got really pissy about it, reacting with the grace of a 4 year old.
So then, I stepped back. And with the help of my awesome circle (I do not deserve the friends I have) I found the answer. Oddly enough, one of my newer buddies, who has not only been epically supportive of all my training craziness and other life woes craziness, gave me the answer. He just didn't know it. In one of our conversations about racing and 2020 goals, he let me know he had read my blog for all of 2019 in an effort to get to know me better. I thought that was pretty sweet of him, and the other night when insomnia reared its head at 3am, I decided why the hell not, and started reading...my own story of 2019.
Guys, do you ever look back at your life and go WTF. How did I miss that? I sat there for over an hour, reading through the words I had penned months earlier- and had two thoughts.
1. I'm kinda funny, with a total twist of sarcasm and self deprecating humor that is mildly entertaining. I can see why all 5 of you read this stuff (or you are just that bored. Either way, you're welcome).
2. I'm a total idiot. Legit 100% that horror story chick that runs straight into the biggest mess ever where the bad guy is waiting to slash her to bits. As I read through my entries, I desperately wanted to just shake the protagonist (that would be me) and go ....Rae - you moron!!! Don't do that!!!! You're gonna regret that decision!
But. Hindsight is hindsight for a reason, right? And because I like to broadcast all my stupid life choices (well, ok, most of them) on the internet, I was able to look back at exactly where I went wrong. And I'm not sorry I did it. Lesson learned.
Oddly enough, it was January 1. (And here I thought I was oh so damned good at the New Years resolutions!) Nope. When I revisited this post, I knew my real intention was to take who I was and to look at the places where I was getting in my own way of being the best me I could be. But I forgot. That I'm not so bad as I was. How did I forget I was good enough in so many ways? In my whole "Big Scary Goals" year, I went out of my way to do intimidating things. To try new things that I never would have even thought to have the guts to do. Basically, I threw myself out there.
And it was awesome. Eye Opening. Really indicative of what I can do if I put my mind to it.
But it was also a lot. Throughout the year, I had friends and family that remarked "I don't know how you do it". Admittedly, they were looking at the one specific area of my life that I was excelling at through rose colored glasses. And they were right. I don't know either. But the real answer is.....you can't do it all. You can lay it down in only so many areas, and they definitely come at the price of others. And without even knowing it, I forgot about many of the areas of my life that are pretty damned great to begin with. And over the past month, I've made it a point to do that - whether its time with family, my friends I haven't seen in forever, exploring other hobbies I had totally forgotten, or planning some crazy moves in other areas of my life for 2020 (yes, more on that in time), I've stepped back to really look at who I was, where I've come, and where I want to go in 2020. But this time, I'm gonna remember that I'm walking into it with a pretty hefty aresenal of areas that I really feel good about and that are absolutely way more than "good enough"....they are damned fantastic.
It's been a full year. And I can say one thing. I truly lived this year. Head up, eyes open, and unafraid to make any mistakes. To be vulnerable. To look foolish. And I learned exactly who was my soft place to land when I made those mistakes. And who wasn't.
And who was in my life for a reason...a season, or.... hopefully.... for a lifetime.
Oddly enough, I didn't find inspiration from Imagine Dragons for this post - it was One Republic. f you roll your eyes at all my songs and move on, I respect that. But if you listen to one song, this should be it.
The only way you can know
You gave it all you had
And I hope that you don't suffer
But take the pain
Hope when the moment comes,
You'll say
I did it all
I owned every second that this world could give
I saw so many places, the things that I did
Yeah with every broken bone
I swear I lived
How bout you?
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