So, here's the thing. I did a race last weekend. Not 4 days ago, but 11. I know I "owe" a race report. I've sat down several times to write it. I intend to write it.... and I will.
But right now... I don't want to. Like most things I know are worth doing, it will happen, if only for the epic photos I have to share.....but I've been wholly uninspired to pull up the ole bloggy and give it my all...which seems to be a microcosm of a lot of things in my life lately.
I went out on a bike ride yesterday. It 's a long ride that's been delayed for one reason or another for a good week - a 50 mile ride, outside at an "enjoy the ride" pace. Not stressful, just requires planning, right? I was supposed to ride Monday. Work intervened. I was supposed to ride Sunday. Parenting intervened. Since Sunday in the tri world was last weeks training week.... it was my last weeks long ride that now got shifted to this week, which means technically I didn't ride long at all last week. And because I raced the weekend before, that weekend too. And because I transitioned to a new training plan the week before, that "long ride" was 30 miles. And the week before that....well thank god, that was Musselman. In case you got lost in that round about story (I would have) it's been almost a month since I've had a long ride. Yesterday was the day to make it happen!
No it wasn't. It was 75. Gorgeous. Slightly breezy. My legs hurt becauseI'm a fool and did core fitness Tuesday I did a leg workout with my buddy that was totally worth it, but whatever. I've done long rides with leg soreness. It was windy as f*ck out, which scared the hell out of me I can deal with because I've been taught how to embrace the wind. The cars were total shits and I had to slam on my brakes twice for idiots backing out of their driveways and not paying attention also enjoying the sunshine without a care on this gorgeous day.
I pulled out my ammo for when things don't go as planned. I altered my route of one long out and back to two out and backs. Then I ditched that idea and decided to make the 50 mile ride 8 6ish mile loops. (Stop groaning. This is my fix it box and I'm ok with it). And then, as I was starting the second loop, I realized something. I was not into this. My body wasn't. My head wasn't. And most of all, my heart wasn't. I was coasting downhill on Lakeside Rd, a pretty little side street, when I realized that my head was so foggy and I was so damned unpresent, that a motor home zoomed past me and I almost ended up in a ditch because I was paying absolutely no attention to what was going on around me. I called the audible. Pedaling back home, I was so out of it that I passed two streets that would have taken me right back to my start because...I was so out of it. I finally had the wherewithal to turn right at the third street. My fifty miler became a sad 18 miler that left me annoyed, dejected, and frustrated.
I wish I could say this was the first workout I've felt this way with, but to be honest, the last two and a half weeks have been a complete struggle. I feel like I have nothing to give - and that its all a huge effort to exert exert the easiest swim, bike or run.
I went for a walk after the failed ride and ended up at the lake. For awhile I just sat, watching the waves crash up on the rocks, and tried to step back and figure out a way out of how I've been feeling. I called my best friend and he let me just vent - all of it, without any judgment or "fix it". I'm pretty lucky that guy married me, come to think of it....
I told him I felt like a dollar store puzzle - all the pieces are there, but right now they just don't fit together the way they are supposed to. And even though they look good to the casual passerby, I know a hell of a lot better that they....just aren't right.
I think its a combination of things: I've been training for one race or another with lots of intensity since December - first for a BQ in April, then a redemption BQ in May, then a month of wasted foot injury.... then for tri season. I've also set the bar ridiculously high this season...with a string of early season PR's, including a dizzying marathon PR and an insane 70.3 PR, I've been drunk with success but also in a spot where I now have a crazy high expectation for myself.
My "A" race of the season is 5 weeks away, and I have a huge pressure to not only do well in it, but since it's an "easier" course, I fully expect to set a new PR, which, when my 70.3 PR is one of those "how the hell did I even accomplish that" things, I have set the bar so crazy high that I'm starting to have many doubts about leaping over it.
Us triathletes. We are such a silly bunch. Once you add in the fact that I'm not a pro - and even if I was - wouldn't have the luxury of a nanny, sponsors, lack of a day job, or all the massages and perfect nutrition to boot (yeah, so I'm average Joe - you get it) that fitting in the training stresses and the mountain of life stress....well, its just not working.
I could do what most sane people would tell me to do. Just ease up. Stop training. Take a break from racing. It;s so simple, Rae.
No it's not.
This sport....no, scratch that. Running....is so freeing. To just abandon reality for awhile and pound the pavement without life hounding me is so epically wonderful, I could never give it up. Swimming....is so cathartic. Jumping into the lake, or a pool, and letting the water wash over me, is cleansing and therapeutic. And (I said it!) cycling is also becoming a love. To jump on my bike, feel the wind (at my back, while I'm wishing) and enjoy the beautiful lake roads I train and race on, is a such a blessing unto itself.
I could never give that up. Not even for a few days.
But maybe I need to revisit the beauty of it and stop putting so much pressure on myself. At least for a few days. I am super conflicted. I just hired a coach. I'm riding on the tails of a season of awesomeness. But to steal a line from a pretty great guy I know....it seems I have a case of the "blahs"....something I can't seem to shake. Luckily, I have a few people in my life that sense when the "Rae o meter" is off and will make the time to be there for me when I need it, even though I might be a damned train wreck. You know who you are. And you are the damned best friends a girl could ask for.
So, I'm gonna take a few days. I won't roll over and play dead...that's not my style. I actually went out for a run today - a beautiful, hilly 8 miler than had no pressure to exert any type of pace - just me, the rolling farmland, the sunshine, and my buddy Joe Elliot, Jr. We rocked out to Hysteria, Love Bites, When Love and Hate Collide, and my new fave Two Steps Behind.
Cause thats how I feel. Right now I'm basically two steps behind the 8 ball with a lot of things and I'm playing catch up to get where I want to be. I know I'll get there. And that its totally ok to have these down times (I had one in May when I had my injury, and I bounced back from that one!). But theres also wisdom in allowing yourself the space to not put pressure on doing all the things, all the times, at full tilt. Especially not for things that for all intents and purposes, are supposed to be fun.
So, Barrelman. Yeah, we are totally on for a hot date. But for right now, I'll be two steps behind...just waiting for that magic in my soul to re-ignite. Then, watch out. I'll be back with a vengeance.
But right now... I don't want to. Like most things I know are worth doing, it will happen, if only for the epic photos I have to share.....but I've been wholly uninspired to pull up the ole bloggy and give it my all...which seems to be a microcosm of a lot of things in my life lately.
I went out on a bike ride yesterday. It 's a long ride that's been delayed for one reason or another for a good week - a 50 mile ride, outside at an "enjoy the ride" pace. Not stressful, just requires planning, right? I was supposed to ride Monday. Work intervened. I was supposed to ride Sunday. Parenting intervened. Since Sunday in the tri world was last weeks training week.... it was my last weeks long ride that now got shifted to this week, which means technically I didn't ride long at all last week. And because I raced the weekend before, that weekend too. And because I transitioned to a new training plan the week before, that "long ride" was 30 miles. And the week before that....well thank god, that was Musselman. In case you got lost in that round about story (I would have) it's been almost a month since I've had a long ride. Yesterday was the day to make it happen!
No it wasn't. It was 75. Gorgeous. Slightly breezy. My legs hurt because
I pulled out my ammo for when things don't go as planned. I altered my route of one long out and back to two out and backs. Then I ditched that idea and decided to make the 50 mile ride 8 6ish mile loops. (Stop groaning. This is my fix it box and I'm ok with it). And then, as I was starting the second loop, I realized something. I was not into this. My body wasn't. My head wasn't. And most of all, my heart wasn't. I was coasting downhill on Lakeside Rd, a pretty little side street, when I realized that my head was so foggy and I was so damned unpresent, that a motor home zoomed past me and I almost ended up in a ditch because I was paying absolutely no attention to what was going on around me. I called the audible. Pedaling back home, I was so out of it that I passed two streets that would have taken me right back to my start because...I was so out of it. I finally had the wherewithal to turn right at the third street. My fifty miler became a sad 18 miler that left me annoyed, dejected, and frustrated.
I wish I could say this was the first workout I've felt this way with, but to be honest, the last two and a half weeks have been a complete struggle. I feel like I have nothing to give - and that its all a huge effort to exert exert the easiest swim, bike or run.
I went for a walk after the failed ride and ended up at the lake. For awhile I just sat, watching the waves crash up on the rocks, and tried to step back and figure out a way out of how I've been feeling. I called my best friend and he let me just vent - all of it, without any judgment or "fix it". I'm pretty lucky that guy married me, come to think of it....
I told him I felt like a dollar store puzzle - all the pieces are there, but right now they just don't fit together the way they are supposed to. And even though they look good to the casual passerby, I know a hell of a lot better that they....just aren't right.
My "A" race of the season is 5 weeks away, and I have a huge pressure to not only do well in it, but since it's an "easier" course, I fully expect to set a new PR, which, when my 70.3 PR is one of those "how the hell did I even accomplish that" things, I have set the bar so crazy high that I'm starting to have many doubts about leaping over it.
Us triathletes. We are such a silly bunch. Once you add in the fact that I'm not a pro - and even if I was - wouldn't have the luxury of a nanny, sponsors, lack of a day job, or all the massages and perfect nutrition to boot (yeah, so I'm average Joe - you get it) that fitting in the training stresses and the mountain of life stress....well, its just not working.
I could do what most sane people would tell me to do. Just ease up. Stop training. Take a break from racing. It;s so simple, Rae.
No it's not.
This sport....no, scratch that. Running....is so freeing. To just abandon reality for awhile and pound the pavement without life hounding me is so epically wonderful, I could never give it up. Swimming....is so cathartic. Jumping into the lake, or a pool, and letting the water wash over me, is cleansing and therapeutic. And (I said it!) cycling is also becoming a love. To jump on my bike, feel the wind (at my back, while I'm wishing) and enjoy the beautiful lake roads I train and race on, is a such a blessing unto itself.
I could never give that up. Not even for a few days.
But maybe I need to revisit the beauty of it and stop putting so much pressure on myself. At least for a few days. I am super conflicted. I just hired a coach. I'm riding on the tails of a season of awesomeness. But to steal a line from a pretty great guy I know....it seems I have a case of the "blahs"....something I can't seem to shake. Luckily, I have a few people in my life that sense when the "Rae o meter" is off and will make the time to be there for me when I need it, even though I might be a damned train wreck. You know who you are. And you are the damned best friends a girl could ask for.
So, I'm gonna take a few days. I won't roll over and play dead...that's not my style. I actually went out for a run today - a beautiful, hilly 8 miler than had no pressure to exert any type of pace - just me, the rolling farmland, the sunshine, and my buddy Joe Elliot, Jr. We rocked out to Hysteria, Love Bites, When Love and Hate Collide, and my new fave Two Steps Behind.
 |
| I wonder if they misspelled because to prove a point? |
Cause thats how I feel. Right now I'm basically two steps behind the 8 ball with a lot of things and I'm playing catch up to get where I want to be. I know I'll get there. And that its totally ok to have these down times (I had one in May when I had my injury, and I bounced back from that one!). But theres also wisdom in allowing yourself the space to not put pressure on doing all the things, all the times, at full tilt. Especially not for things that for all intents and purposes, are supposed to be fun.
So, Barrelman. Yeah, we are totally on for a hot date. But for right now, I'll be two steps behind...just waiting for that magic in my soul to re-ignite. Then, watch out. I'll be back with a vengeance.
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